9 year old can’t come to play until he’s done the housework

[NotsureifIwantsummertobeoverornot]

Dd usually plays with a few children from our neighbourhood at the weekend. She’s just been to call at her best friends house. He said he can come, but only when he’s finished doing the housework (mum, dad and him seem to be cleaning)
Do you do this with your Dc, it seemed a bit sad for him or is it in fact good to start children early?
How much tidying/chores etc do your children do, of a similar age?
I ask Dd to tidy up after she’s had toys out and to tidy her room. Sometimes she does it without issue, other times arguments/complaining.

Where do you stand on this?

I remember a time I couldn’t say hello to guests when they arrived, because I was standing in the corner (for something that wasn’t my fault). I had been taught that it was rude not to say hello to guests. That injustice still rankles to this day.

Another time when I was a teenager, my mum was talking loudly about what housework needed to be done (she could never relax in the summer holidays, she always had to be busy) while I was trying to enjoy a lie-in. I got the hoover out, and started using it, in my pyjamas. Far from being grateful, she wailed “that’s a horrible way of reacting!”

When I'm anxious I get on with cleaning as well but that's my problem- I wouldn't talk about it with my children nor expect them to do anything. Sorry for your experience.

At 9, he’s very much a child, with many years of boring adulthood ahead of him. Let children be children. Age appropriate chores should come after play.

All the adults I know with mental health issues are the ones who are struggling with the basic life admin, self care and regulation that wasn't expected of them by their parents.

My three year old loves helping to clean including the windows etc. it’s part of being part of the household, we all do things that we can see need doing so we can live in a nice place

From on the moment mine could walk they did age appropriate chores - such as putting their clothes in the washing basket and carrying their plastic plate or bowl to the kitchen after tea. as they got older obviously increased to harder things but I wanted mine to grow up learning and believing that we are a family and we help each other. Mum does not equal personal slave.

if mine were in the middle of doing homework from school or a chore such as unloading the dishwasher or whatever was their turn and a friend knocked for them to play , I would tell them once it is completed to usual standard (ie not hurried through and done half heartedly) they can go out. Would tell friend they will be out in about 10 mins etc (or however long task would take)

so important that kids learn to complete tasks and to contribute in their own little way around the house . Not saying they have a list of 20 things to do before breakfast or bring put to work with endlessly scrubbing and ironing and cleaning but learning to contribute to family life by putting away their washing or unloading the dishwasher etc is not taking up much of their time but teaching them a lot about living together, helping each other out and the reality that life isn’t all one big game. Biting stuff has to be done!

doing the drying up or helping to pair the socks may be dull but will not kill them!

From aged 7, I was cooking, cleaning, shopping and taming care of my siblings. Taught me vakuable lufe skills.

You should start getting them to help with chores from young, age appropriate chores of course then increase responsibility as they get older.

At 9 my daughter was emptying the dishwasher every morning so it was ready for the day and sorting the laundry into white, coloured and darks on Saturdays etc. she was soon after that folding and putting away her clothes after they were washed and dried.

Of course there are days she will skip or miss the chores but the important thing is she learned and her responsibilities increased as she got older. She still had enough time to play and study etc and "be kids". It's not like he's scrubbing floors all day like the Victorian age, and cleaning chimneys at night.

You labelling it as sad makes no sense, it's fine if you don't want your daughter to do chores at her age that's your perogative.

Frankly I would rather his parents thought him to do chores instead of raise a lazy man who expects his wife or partner to do everything while he practices weaponized incompetence.

And I see many mothers think by doing everything that makes them great mothers, no it's just taking the easy way out and pushing a problem to the future or for someone who else to deal with, usually another woman in the form of the wife or partner in the future.

Pathetic.

That sounds great particularly if he gets to do it with his parents. Family time can be working together to achieve a nice place to live.

If they are cleaning together as a family, I don’t see anything wrong with that?

From no age, really! My 4yo had to cook with me this week, 9yo helped me change out a tap, and 6yo was de-icing the freezer. I expect it, but they don't mind it. They like discovering how things work.

If they just get one with it, nothing takes more than one hour. That leaves 10+ hours to be outside and play.

I don't really care, certainly wouldn't expect that at nine, they are older teens and just naturally want to help. I think kindness and empathy were traits I was hoping they would acquire with my encouragement.

Wow. In my childhood, it was the norm for children to do a large part of the housework, gardening, farm work. At 9, my cousins were expected to be at the cowshed before 6 am to get the cows in and start the milking, and at 4 pm for the same. My brother mowed the half-acre of lawn at that age. I cooked dinner Tuesdays and Thursdays, including peeling potatoes, cut up raw liver for the cats every day, fed the chickens, and every Saturday, I weeded the vegetable garden for 3-4 hours. At 12, I was responsible for cleaning 2 bathrooms every Saturday, hoovering a 3000 sq ft house, doing more gardening on the weekends and I ironed my DF's work shirts and my school uniform on Sunday night. We never had time to go out on weekends because of homework and housework. Kids learned young ... and I hated it. But I knew how to garden, grow veg and make compost, clean a house, cook and iron at a very early age, so was capable when I left home. Before you ask...my mother was a lazy cow who preferred playing golf to being a mother.

Absolutely this. Op you're assuming this child doesn't enjoy it. Mine will argue over who gets to hoover spray and steam clean. They genuinely see some of the gadgets very fun. They use the polish as if it's spray paint and write their names! We have music on or all chat when we are doing it together. Mine get to decide shall we have another room lay out that could work better for games or for movie nights. It's all about being valued as part of a team. Mine get a real sense of confidence and achievement from it.

Mine also have a mix of autism and adhd. That means for us executive functioning takes a lot longer. There's so many skills being learnt. Time management, priorities. Taking breaks managing frustrations overwhelm breaking things down to smaller jobs. This skills are so vital in so many areas of life. It's also a lot easier to start younger before you've got hormones/expectations/entitlement in the mix.

All my kids by 9, emptied bedroom bins. Sorted washing into piles, put it away. Changed and made their own beds. Empty dishwasher. Dust. Clean windows etc. I don't have to tell them to tidy their toys or bedrooms that's just the norm to put stuff away when the game is finished. We often put loud music on and blitz the house together. Never had a complaint from them. They're often super proud and want Me to take photos etc if they've done something really well. Being tidy won't suddenly click in for them at 18 it starts as soon as they're old enough to make a mess

You don’t know the full circs. If he was told at 9am he had to tidy before he went out and it’s not yet done is that still sad?

my 5yo tidies after himself and is starting to help with table, dishwasher, washing etc. I don’t intend to raise boys who rely on someone else for this stuff, he lives in the house so does age appropriate things with support

My son and daughter had to do housework when they were in primary school. Before that they had to tidy their rooms. When in secondary school they had to put their washing in the basket or it wouldn’t be done. That would mean wearing used PE clothes or uniform. At 13/14 they had to iron their own clothes and help with the housework. I worked as a nurse and did 12hr shifts. When I was tired I would call them to make dinner for us all.
They didn’t whinge and moan they got on with it. They are both self sufficient adults now and my son does his own ironing still because nobody can ‘iron as good as him’ 🤣

Definitely this.

Im OK with that.
We used to say if we all do it now we can all get out soon.

Good for them for not bringing up a boy who will grow up into a useless man who does nothing around the house. You should have applauded them … let’s hope your daughter marries someone like him!

My DC had chores from about 8 year old nothing extreme but every Saturday morning they had to strip their beds and tidy their rooms they could then go out to play whilst I would do the actual cleaning and hoovering and remaking their beds as time went on the chores were increased slightly and now they are young adults they have that skill set and a routine it may not necessarily be a Saturday morning but they do it weekly (both boys)

Meh. I know it’ll be controversial on uptight Mumsnet but I would FAR rather my child was outside playing than doing chores. They are children for such a short time. There is plenty enough time to teach these things. Give them a few jobs sure, but not so much that it interferes with the more important work if being a child .

My 8 year old just straightens 3 pairs of shoes by the door (no indoor shoes in this house) and makes his bed. He does absolutley nothing else. I think its important to teach kids to contribute to the home with small tasks. My kids will hopefully have a family of their own one day or live i dependantly and I want to make sure they know how to look after a home. I think you are being unreasonable to think kids shouldnt be taught basic household tasks when its actually quite important.