9 year old can’t come to play until he’s done the housework

[NotsureifIwantsummertobeoverornot]

Dd usually plays with a few children from our neighbourhood at the weekend. She’s just been to call at her best friends house. He said he can come, but only when he’s finished doing the housework (mum, dad and him seem to be cleaning)
Do you do this with your Dc, it seemed a bit sad for him or is it in fact good to start children early?
How much tidying/chores etc do your children do, of a similar age?
I ask Dd to tidy up after she’s had toys out and to tidy her room. Sometimes she does it without issue, other times arguments/complaining.

Where do you stand on this?

Whether it’s reasonable depends a bit on how often he’s having to do housework. If every day he’s not allowed out until he’s done a long list of chores then yes, I’d say that’s a bit unreasonable. On the other hand if every Saturday parents set aside an hour or so in the morning for everybody to sort the house and he’s involved in that then that’s less unreasonable. It also depends a bit on what exactly they are making him do, sending him upstairs on his own to deep clean the bathroom in silence for an hour seems a lot for a nine-year-old. On the other hand, putting some music on and having him do tasks like unload the dishwasher or use a feather duster whilst his parents do jobs like empty the bins and mop the floor, all the whilst chatting to each other and trying to make it an enjoyable activity, seems completely fine.

I can only presume his parents are raising a young man who will be able to live independently, or make a great partner for someone one day.
If only the millions of parents that have gone before them taught their little cherubs how to push a hoover round, and clean a toilet, I’m sure many of the women on here who seem to be married to children, would be absolutely thriving.

I think if they're old enough to take toys out of a box they're old enough to put them back in the box when they've finished and take it from there.

I’d have thought I’d got away lightly if I had to do a bit of dusting before going out to play. Instead I had to recite ALL my times tables, correctly, before I could go out. Sometimes whilst my friends were waiting on the doorstep for me! 😆

My siblings and I had to do these sorts of chores at that age, and our children have been brought up the same. Of course all members of the household have to do their part in the house and it's very sensible to teach children this from a young age. It's certainly not 'sad', I think you should get your dc more involved in household chores OP.

The boy's family are all working together as a team, he's learning how to clean and look after a house, and he understands the importance of dealing with responsibilities first and then having free time to play - that's good parenting!

Excellent! This gives him a good chance of growing into being an independent, capable, functional adult.

My mother would make me finish homework before I could play, but not chores. That didn't make me not to know how to run a household or budget as an adult. I do the same with my daughter. She knows what to do around the home. But if she has an opportunity to play with her friends, I let her play. She's not going to have this stage in life ever again.

We do a sunday clean. Everyone has to do their bit. Takes about two hours.

Just because they are cleaning nd tidying doesn't make them any less kids.

Wish I done it with mine...reaping that lack of parenting now!

Mine did age-appropriate chores from a very young age. In the long run it's much easier to start as toddlers while it is still a game and they're enthusiastic about it. I can't say any of them loved it as older children and teens. But it is less of a thing than if you start fairly suddenly when they're older or a teen because, understandably, then their reaction is more likely to be a version of WTF.

Assuming he’s not up sweeping chimneys or down the pit, I think this is great! He’s learning that everyone is responsible for taking care of the home they live in, and he stands a much better chance of not being one of the so-called male loneliness epidemic statistics we hear about!

Chores don't stop kids from being kids. You should have started teaching her at an earlier age and it just becomes part of normal life, children do their chores without complaint as they accept and understand it's what's required of members of the household, everyone has to chip in.

Yes, they should be doing this much earlier-even in children's books like the Faraway Tree, the kids know they don't go out until they've helped their parents. Any kids who don't do this tend to have an entitled attitude-one charmer came round, didn't clear up her plate or say please and thank you, and when the other kids, mine, and all the rest, were wiping the table after painting, she stood there like a little princess who expects a maid to do it! Apparently she is the same at school when the teacher tells her to do stuff.

I’m behind this 100%. His parents are preparing him for adulthood and ensuring he’ll pull his weight in any future relationships.

Can you send him round to mine?

Nope, very few of those things because he doesn’t need to be able to do them YET. He will make himself basic meals if he wants to but he doesn’t know how to operate the dishwasher or washing machine. I will teach him what he needs to know before he leaves for Uni if he hasn’t asked to learn before then.

FYI, we have two much older lads (& grandkids aged 1 - 12) and they are extremely capable adults who are very hands on with their own kids as well as good cooks etc. Chores seem to be split 50/50 in both households. One DIL is definitely a bit of a task master with oldest DGS so I let him chill when he visits us. 😂

There’s absolutely no need to make children do boring household tasks at a young age. It often breeds resentment and it definitely won’t make them superior partners, despite what you might think.

I don’t think any age is too young. Even toddlers can help load and unload laundry and dust on low surfaces. The earlier everyone has expectations in the house the easier it is to introduce responsibility. And it can be introduced as a fun way to help mummy and daddy, it doesn’t prevent kids from becoming kids.

The main role of a parent is to turn out functioning adults and it sounds like they are well on their way!

Yes, similar here, I worked from 14, had my own apartment abroad at 23 etc
I did make my own dinners etc from being a teen mainly and just knew how to do washing etc, I was v independent from a young age

I think it is good that children have a chore or two from about 6 or 7. Things like dusting, unloading the dishwasher, laying the table etc reinforce that they are part of a unit and that everyone pulls their weight not just mum. At 9 my chores would have included peeling the potatoes for dinner, dusting the dining room whilst dad hoovered, washing or drying up after dinner. My 7 year old brother would do the washing up with me, and dust the sitting room with dad and lay the table for dinner. None of it took that long.

I don't think its just about learning how to be an adult. There are many skills we can pick up when we need them even if unprepared. For me the most important elements are two fold, if a kid is doing a job then I am not. It not only reduces the workload but also shows them what I do. If they complain they hate a job or it takes too long, I'll say I agree with you, that's why it's so important to help me because I don't like it either and you understand it takes me a long time too. I hope if nothing else it will make them appreciate what I do. The second element is feeling useful and having a purpose. Children and especially teens often act out because they don't have a role in society. Even a simple thing like being responsible for something can really boost their self esteem and help them feel like they are more valued in the world.

Usually on these threads there are two camps, one extreme is that kids job is to relax and play, free from the stress of life, and enjoy themselves as much as possible. And the adults should do all the jobs in the house, sometimes including waiting on the children. Then the kids will just learn everything when they move out.
The other extreme is that kids are part of the family and should take on both the rewards and the grunt work, and they should have exactly the same hassle as everyone else.
I'm definitely more in the latter camp, the kids should do age appropriate family chores ad hoc and as much age appropriate of their own personal chores as possible as an expectation.
Our 3 and 6 year olds set and clear the table, put their own washing away (less about folding it though), tidy their own spaces (sometimes) and join in with shopping and "gardening" as well.
A lot of the time it's harder work to teach them than just do it myself, but it's part of their education and maybe even an investment!

A lot depends on the type of kids you have though, some are easier to get involved than others

I completely agree @Dontlletmedownbruce, it's about much more than simply learning how to perform certain tasks.

Start them young and it is just part of normal household life.

Wait until they are teens and 'capable' and the best of luck to you trying to persuade teenagers to do something that you have been doing for them up until now. If you could do it before, they will say, why shouldn't you carry on?

But if they've been doing it since they were physically able they are less likely to stomp and swear and refuse.

Don’t see anything wrong with kids helping. In nursery they are expected to help tidy the toys away and are very capable even at 2/3/4.

Im 47. At that age we had to keep our rooms tidy and help out so maybe do the polishing or hoovering or something. We also washed and dried the pots after meals.

As a teen if i wanted to go out i had to do my bit in the house beforehand. We all
mucked in. I was a very self sufficent teen by the time i was 16 and in college/doing apprenticeship.

sure, and they can have it. After they’ve emptied the dishwasher and hung out some washing on the rack. Mine is 8 and I ask him to do these things on the weekend.