9 year old can’t come to play until he’s done the housework

[NotsureifIwantsummertobeoverornot]

Dd usually plays with a few children from our neighbourhood at the weekend. She’s just been to call at her best friends house. He said he can come, but only when he’s finished doing the housework (mum, dad and him seem to be cleaning)
Do you do this with your Dc, it seemed a bit sad for him or is it in fact good to start children early?
How much tidying/chores etc do your children do, of a similar age?
I ask Dd to tidy up after she’s had toys out and to tidy her room. Sometimes she does it without issue, other times arguments/complaining.

Where do you stand on this?

I wish id been given more variety of chores as a child rather then just tidy your room and wash up as i was seriously lacking in cooking and cleaning skills when I moved out

i never did that with my children. Never gave them any chores. why? Becuase running a house shouldn’t be a chore. It’s our home. Not a place of work.

What I did was make it clear from very early age that we all live together and we all have a responsibility for keeping things clean and tidy. If dishwasher is full, empty it. Learn to cook and prepare the odd meal. Keep rooms tidy. Nothing should formal job just day to day life.

I wouldn’t not go out if the hoovering wasn’t done and therefore would never have prevented my child from going out if it wasn’t done. I wouldn’t ever have wanted my child to feel resentful and being at home.

anyway worked for us. Kids aren’t perfect but they can clean up after themselves and keep the place clean. One child is an amazing chef- far far better than me, the other can hunter gather a ready meal at Tescos should they need to.

If I ask them to do things they generally get done. We never argue about it and they don’t have any issue helping out when asked. But we just don’t make a big deal out it.

For goodness sake he just said he'll be playing a bit later that's all.

It'd be all the same if he had a dental appointment to go to, or if his gran had popped in to say hello.

Sounds absolutely fine. I think my DS was a little older when he started helping with jobs but it's the right approach, helping to start build their own independence for when they eventually have their own place and appreciating that it isn't the cleaning fairy that magically tidies up.

One less future thread on MN about a lazy slob DH too!

I'd think nothing of this. Completely normal to teach children to contribute to cleaning the home young. It's an important life skill that parents need to teach.

My mum didn't expect us to do anything growing up- until we were teenagers and she's was working full time and needed help. By that point, it was too late.

Our dc have had chores, in some way, since they were small. Dh and I have always worked ft, so everyone has to pitch in. Now they're teens they:
Tidy own rooms and change own beds
Sort own washing into colours
Animal management
Hoover
Complete the odd list if they're off school and there are things to be done
Don't argue if asked to do a job

They know we all have to pull together. However, if someone ever called for them mid job, I didn't make them stay doing it.

I think making them do chores makes them have more respect for what you have to do.

My mum didn't expect us to do anything growing up- until we were teenagers and she's was working full time and needed help. By that point, it was too late.

Yes this was my colleague.

Every day during the school holidays she'd come home to a shit tip and washing up piled high, whilst her teenagers would glance up and ask what's for dinner.

A complete contrast to those of us who'd return home to a clean house and the dinner already started.

It's not even just about teaching the skills from an early age, it's also about instilling a non self-entitled mindset and a bit of thought for others.

I think it's too young for too many chores - mine are late teens and pretty good at cleaning, cooking etc but not because I made them do it aged 9. They usually do these things without asking now because they value having a clean house and nice food to eat.

I have also seen this backfire completely - my lifelong best friend was required to do lots of chores from a very young age and in adulthood completely went the other way - I know because we shared a flat for several years! Just remember that sometimes the way you bring them up can have the opposite effect!

What's wrong with that?

It was 12 when the OP posted. I wonder what time it was when this boy was cleaning. He might have been an extra half hour, got some lunch and then gone out to play. I can’t see the problem. As OP said, they were all cleaning. It’s not like it’s likely to take all day because he was doing it alone.

I would completely understand that. If you are made to do them at a certain time when you have the chance to see your mates and you can’t go out before they are done, you start to see them as a punishment and not just part of day to day life. Even the phrase ‘chore’ has negative connotations. I can totally understand someone who was made to stay in to do them sees them as something negative and so won’t do them when older. I would never have made my child stay indoors to do house jobs if they had a chance to socialise and make friends. The jobs will be there when they get back.

DSiL trained DGD to put her own nappy in the bin aged 1! He would change her nappy, tie it up in a nappy bag, give it to her and tell her to put it in the bin - which she did. Both the DGC help out at home much more than either of mine ever did - I think it is a good thing - although 'helping' with the washing up when they were younger did used to result in quite a bit of water on the floor!

My 11 year olds friend came to call for him the other day and I had no qualms telling him he couldn’t come out until he had sorted his bedroom ie tidied, hoovered, brought down his rubbish, washing and dusted it…
I had been nagging about it for a week!
My Son thought it was totally embarrassing but spurred him on to make a start, his friend went away and came back within in 20 mins having decided he would give him a hand so they could get out quicker (not exactly what I had in mind 🙈)
When I was helping him remake his bed with clean sheets/duvet cover he started moaning he couldn’t do it… I explained to him that no one is born knowing how to put on a fitted sheet and that it takes practice.
I asked him what he would do when he’s left home and I’m not around to help, he laughingly announced he’d get his wife to do it, knowing that that would start me with the lecture about how he wasn’t going to be a useless lump of a man.
All mine have been assigned chores since they were about 8, both my 11 and 13 year old know how to operate the washing machine, cook a basic meal following a recipe and operate a hoover.
If they had started helping to do something they wouldn’t be able to go until we had finished so I can see why your DD friend was kept in.

My mum did this with me and my sister not my brother he was the youngest.

We had to get up every day and tidy up the living room and kitchen, hoover and polish take out the bins and tidy the bathroom. Did this from such a young age. My mum was an amputee.

If was a good routine tbh!
Can't say its made me a tidy person though. 😂

Christ, life is bleak enough without sending kids up the chimneys too soon.

I think it’s good for kids to learn that play and leisure comes after tasks whether that is homework, music practice or chores.

I have recently been driven a bit crazy by by own primary aged children leaving stuff dumped wherever they go and have instilled some new rules about taking plates back to the kitchen and them sweeping up after themselves if they spill crumbs etc. That is a work in progress tbh but I want them to be capable adults. On Residentials at 9 my daughter was expected to be able to strip and make a duvet. We had to give that a good go at home before relalising that she was perfectly capable (although I have to admit I’ve reverted to doing it again). She’s also been keen to learn more cooking skills. She’s pretty good with supervision and I’d hope by the time she’s a teen, she’d be capable of making a family meal once a week.

If you had tickets to the theatre or a friend rings you up and asks you if you want to go grab a drink are you saying you wouldn’t go until you had done all the hoovering? I work my household jobs around my plans and not the other way around.

I was about six.

My children had to tidy their room but nothing else. They studied hard and I felt they were already working too many hours with school and studying combined. Luckily all that studying paid off and they can both afford cleaners. Of course I showed them how to clean and operate household appliances but it not something that you need to keep practicing. When one of my children was in hospital, the other one surprised us by cleaning the house from top to bottom. They had done everything. I thought I had walked in to a different home!

Apparently my 11 year old had to put on the duvet covers of the 4 other boys he shared a room with on residential a few months ago.
They had got themselves in a right pickle, he couldn’t quite believe they were so hopeless 😂

Children have always had to work in families until probably the last 30 years.

This results in entitled children who have no idea what it takes to keep a house and family clean, fed and supplied. Imagine you ask a child of 9 to help and you come up against a hard no. What do you do at that point? What about at 12? Or 14? The expectation has been set that they are indulged. It’s worse for boys who are often not expected to help at all while their sisters are toiling.

Then think about 2 and 3 year olds who really want to help mummy or daddy. Why not get them to help at that age, with tasks that are age-appropriate and particularly about them? Hanging their clean clothes, putting dirty clothes in the laundry basket, helping clean up their mess? By the time they are 9 they are doing all of that and more. They’ve learned they have to take responsibility for their mess and their possessions.

Let them be children and play all the time? Then you wonder why you’re washing all the sports kits and uniforms, cooking all the meals and mopping the floors while they sit on their phones and become resentful at being asked to share in the labour of the family.

I quite often (maybe once every 2 months or so) have a "housework day" and every child gets two or three jobs to do such as hoovering, mopping, cleaning windows, sorting laundry etc. I wouldn't let them suddenly leave halfway through to go and play out. In fact I'd say it's a great incentive to crack on and get it done. Everyone lives in this house so everyone contributes to it's upkeep

There's definitely a balance to be had, I never had to do anything around the house as a child, never learnt to cook or use a washing machine (and no I didn't have any inclination to learn it myself) when I moved out I was an absolute mess, couldn't do anything really. It took me years to learn things and get into a good routine, I can't help but think if I'd learnt these things over years when I was a child it would have made my adult life a whole lot easier.

Reading this as we all tidy up, 4yo and 7yo included. They know that movie night tonight depends on their rooms being tidy and them
having helped helped clean up the other rooms so they are hard at work! We’ve been out cycling all morning so it’s not like we haven’t done anything fun.

Keeping house clean and tidy is all of our responsibilities, it’s a family effort. They are perfectly capable of pitching in and it’s important they learn to contribute as early as possible IMO.

They’re both pretending to be tidying superheroes so I don’t think they’re that hard done by!

I think that's good OP