To think Dsis is overeacting after SS hit niece?

[PapaSteel]

I've been with my partner for 8 years and we have dc together, he has a son from his previous relationship. He's 15 and not his bio son but he's been in his life since he was young and he sees him as his dad

Alot happened when we got together as his ex would tell SS that DP didn't want to see him anymore now he was dating me which wasn't true at all. She was physically & verbally abusive towards him and he's been living with us since he was 13 (after he told school about howHe has a lot of trauma and anger which school are supportive about and outside of school he gets help on how to manage the anger and he is a lot better than he was but the anger is still there so we are just patient with him

We're currently on holiday with my sister and her 2 dc and have been here since Monday. There was issues almost straight away as ss got angry at the claw machine but he and dp left the arcade and went for a walk to calm down as the arcade was busy so there was no way he'd have been able to calm down whilst in the arcade. My sister described him as a tantrumming toddler who didn't get his own way and said partner wasn't doing him any favours. I ignored her

He loves drawing and usually if you ask he will show what he's drawing but earlier he was at the table drawing and my niece (10) kept asking what he was drawing. He told her but she kept saying “show me show me” despite him saying no, she pulled his sketch book away from him which caused him to shout at her and she “accidentally” spilt her water on it. He was clearly very angry/upset and walked off to go to his room and she followed him and called him a baby, asked if he was going to cry etc, and he turned round and hit her and now he's being made out to be the bad guy

During this my sister was out with her other dc, my dp was in the shower and I was telling her multiple times to leave him alone and do something else even when she was repeatedly telling him to show her his drawing and she ignored me

My sister is now back and furious, she said she doesn't want her children to share a space with a “violent man”, and has even mentioned going to the police and social services on us if we're happy to have him around our children as he's not related to us when asked where he should go she just replied care

AIBU to think she's overreacting? I know SS shouldn't have hit her and he knows this too but she hasn't apologised for her part in deliberatly winding him up and sister says she doesn't need to as she's a child and he's nearly an adult

Worse is what way?

Also there’s been an awful lot more expectation on the 10 year old child. She SHOULD know better, that’s the behaviour of a toddler etc.

plus, there’s all the name calling.

Yes I have seen her referred to as a brat. Not surprised because generally this forum shows disdain towards children. But the other poster said she’s being treated worse, not that she’s also being spoken about negatively. Most of what I have seen is being dismissive of the girl’s actions.

The problem is that many posters are looking at this as a man vs child situation that is abusive rather than two children/young people.

I suggest you read a little more thoroughly if you’ve missed that, and found her actions to be dismissed. Lots of ‘she was asking for it’

she’s been called a brat, a cow, a bitch and a psycho!

she’s vile, and I think gobby and spoilt.

lots more disdain towards a 10 year old than him.

That’s nasty and you must not know be on here because I do not fuck about when it comes to being mean to children.

But I am not wrong that many posters have said he should be able to brush off her actions because he’s 15 and practically an adult and that he is showing that he will be an abuser. If you read my first comment you would see that I said OP was being dismissive of her SS hitting her niece. But I also said that her sister absolutely needs to correct her daughter about how she treated him. I don’t know why on this forum it’s so challenging to imagine guiding children without demonising them.

The way I see it is if one of my DC had the 15 year old as a classmate I'd feel like I could explain that he is struggling and that I would tell them to give space and leave him alone when he seems upset.

I would be far more concerned if they had the 10 year old as a classmate. I think I'd be telling them to try and avoid their attention or showing any kind of weakness in front of her.

At their current ages?

you would feel like your 15 year old was more at risk with the 10 year old than your 10 year old would be with the 15 year old?

If my 15 year old was vulnerable then yes I would be very concerned about them being around someone with that ability to sniff out a vulnerable target. I am hoping he will get the support he needs to cope with people like that.

Insane.

in all honesty, if I got back from popping out and my 15 year old nephew had hit/shoved (I don’t believe the OPs version of events weren’t given to attempt to shine a light on the girl and defend the boy) my 12 year old girl, I’d die before I thought to get her to apologise.

if he’d shouted at her? Sworn at her? 100%, she’s be making an apology. But to strike out in some way and use his strength against her? I’d be so furious that her actions would be far from my mind.

thankfully, I know the very last thing my sister would be doing would be ‘oh, she should apologise too’

I am not insane. I have been to school with people like her that once they've found out a person's weakness will then relentlessly go after them for pleasure. My blood ran cold reading about what she did.

He shouldn't have hit her but he's got the support of multiple adults who are aware of his problems and are trying to help him grow and learn. No one seems to be trying to help the 10 year old become a better person here.

I disagree that 10 year old has been described more harshly than the 15 year old. Yes, she's been called a brat, but he's been equated to a wife beater.

I think it comes down to some posters viewing deliberate cruelty as nastier behaviour than lashing out due to frustration and other posters seeing the lashing out as worse. And obviously our opinions are all coloured by our personal backgrounds.

I do think it's important to remember that he pushed her shoulder, he didn't punch her. That does make a difference to me in how I view him. His instinct appears to be to get her out of his way, not to cause her actual physical harm.

She was called more than a brat.

I don’t think OPs a reliable narrator.

it turned it to a hit/shove. It was just hit in the opening post

So you are in line with most other posters with adultifying him. Why even pretend you were any different?

I haven’t adultified him.

He’s 15, he’s not an adult.

but he is an older, bigger, stronger child.

that’s enough of an issue for me.

Exactly he’s 15. You should be able to take into account him being bigger than her AND that he himself is 15, and a vulnerable one at that, so won’t have mastered controlling how he reacts to being wound up at that age.

we’ll have to agree to disagree there.

lots of 15 year old boys (probably the majority, actually) vulnerable or not, neuro diverse or not, know not to physically harm girls (or anyone) 5 years their junior.

I’d feel the same way if it was a 12 year old and an 8 year old.

I’d feel the same if the sexes were reversed.

Sorry but I don’t believe that for a second and you keep saying you aren’t adultifying whilst carrying on to do so. But yes, we disagree; let’s leave it at that.

I’ve literally just said I’d feel the same if it was younger children, so believe what you want.

So if you're a girl you can do whatever the hell you want. She was told to stop and then was being incredibly nasty to him with what she said. She should apologise for ruining his drawing and saying he was a baby etc.
No he shouldn't have hit her but if she hadn't been such a brat it wouldn't have happened. I do agree he probably does need therapy as he's been through a horrible time.
I wouldn't punish him by coming home. Your sister can go home and take her brat with her. If she wants to call the police let her, they won't do anything.

There's a big difference between "do whatever the hell you want" and not expecting to get hit for doing unpleasant but fairly developmentally normal (if infrequent) 10 year old things.

Her behaviour was not developmentally normal and I’m really surprised by how many people seem to think it was. As a previous poster has said, it is acknowledged that the step son has difficulties with emotional regulation and possibly impulse control, which is expected given the adversity he has experienced. He is getting help, both from his family and from professionals. He is well supported at school and has a good group of friends who look out for him. Nobody seems to be either acknowledging or supporting the niece with her difficulties; from what is described she appears to have poor social and emotional development, a lack of empathy, poor impulse control and struggles to follow spoken instructions even when given multiple times. She also isn’t able to accept ‘no’ or respect/understand common social boundaries.

I think it depends, if a 10 year old does this all the time, then maybe there's something more to it. However, occasional unpleasant behaviour such as name calling, pestering and even a one off incident (albeit really quite mean if it was on purpose) of destroying special property can be developmentally normal. This is particularly true if out of routine, e.g. on holiday. Even "typical" 10 year olds can do some quite horrible things, they are much, much further behind in their social understanding even than a 12 or 13 year old.

I don't believe it is in any way acceptable for a 15 year old boy to hit a 10 year old girl. Almost no 15 year old I have ever worked with would think that was OK either (in mainstream, prus or SEMH schools).

So we expect a 10 yr old girl to be mature and aware enough not to tease an older child with difficulties. But we don't expect the 15 yr old boy to be aware enough not to hit a younger girl. Righto. We cannot see the hypocritical mismatch here? This is not a learning disabled 15yr old. No wonder society (women) is so fucked.

A 10 year old should be mature and aware enough not to destroy something and if it was an accident they should be mature enough to say sorry instead of continuing to wind the person up.
It doesn't mean it was okay to hit her but I can understand why he was so wound up it happened. I wonder if this 10 year old goes around destroying things at school and then bullies the child afterwards. If she does there is an issue if she doesn't then she knows better.