To think Dsis is overeacting after SS hit niece?

[PapaSteel]

I've been with my partner for 8 years and we have dc together, he has a son from his previous relationship. He's 15 and not his bio son but he's been in his life since he was young and he sees him as his dad

Alot happened when we got together as his ex would tell SS that DP didn't want to see him anymore now he was dating me which wasn't true at all. She was physically & verbally abusive towards him and he's been living with us since he was 13 (after he told school about howHe has a lot of trauma and anger which school are supportive about and outside of school he gets help on how to manage the anger and he is a lot better than he was but the anger is still there so we are just patient with him

We're currently on holiday with my sister and her 2 dc and have been here since Monday. There was issues almost straight away as ss got angry at the claw machine but he and dp left the arcade and went for a walk to calm down as the arcade was busy so there was no way he'd have been able to calm down whilst in the arcade. My sister described him as a tantrumming toddler who didn't get his own way and said partner wasn't doing him any favours. I ignored her

He loves drawing and usually if you ask he will show what he's drawing but earlier he was at the table drawing and my niece (10) kept asking what he was drawing. He told her but she kept saying “show me show me” despite him saying no, she pulled his sketch book away from him which caused him to shout at her and she “accidentally” spilt her water on it. He was clearly very angry/upset and walked off to go to his room and she followed him and called him a baby, asked if he was going to cry etc, and he turned round and hit her and now he's being made out to be the bad guy

During this my sister was out with her other dc, my dp was in the shower and I was telling her multiple times to leave him alone and do something else even when she was repeatedly telling him to show her his drawing and she ignored me

My sister is now back and furious, she said she doesn't want her children to share a space with a “violent man”, and has even mentioned going to the police and social services on us if we're happy to have him around our children as he's not related to us when asked where he should go she just replied care

AIBU to think she's overreacting? I know SS shouldn't have hit her and he knows this too but she hasn't apologised for her part in deliberatly winding him up and sister says she doesn't need to as she's a child and he's nearly an adult

You sound like you have issues then to address with your 6 year old if this really is the case

@Andimpleased to add, a 6 year old is in Y2. When my son was in Y2 he could (and did) tell me which children were shy, which found school tough, which missed their parents, which found maths hard, which weren’t able to do certain things and why. He knew one child had recently lost a parent and that they were very sad and needed extra kindness. He knew which kids had two mums, which only had one parent, which ones lived with grandparents etc. He isn’t particularly emotionally mature - this is normal.

Of course it’s concerning that this 15 year old shoved/hit a younger child. NO ONE is saying it isn’t. The OP didn’t say it wasn’t. The child is getting additional support. They have endured years of physical and emotional abuse and that is a REASON, not an excuse.

I am genuinely more concerned by all the people who seem to think that the 10 year old niece’s behaviour was ‘normal’. Is that assumption based on the behaviour of your own children, or children in your family? I can assure you that it is not normal for a child about to enter high school not to know that tormenting and goading another person is wrong. So unaware was she that this was awful behaviour she was quite happy to do it in front of another adult, even after being told multiple times to stop. Imagine what she’s doing when the adults aren’t watching.

I don’t know if her behaviour is due to poor parenting or an underlying difference in her development (or both) but I am genuinely concerned that there might be parents on here who aren’t teaching their children empathy or that think a 6 year old can’t understand that people are different and need to be treated differently. I also find it interesting that those who are demonstrating a lack of empathy themselves also seem to be the ones who aren’t shocked or surprised by the niece’s behaviour.

The Op is clearly very sympathetic to the boy
this is all her version of the 10 year old

worth remembering the night before he’d lost it with an arcade game.
And the school don’t wish for him to be around peers

At no point during the supposed terrorising of the 15 year old by the 10 year old was the Op sufficiently concerned to put down her feeding baby and cross the… 5ft? (It’s a caravan) to intervene.

Curious

and rather indicates how bad this terrorising was

The parents ‘in all their wisdom’ decided to take their family on a caravan holiday. This was based on the fact they have raised their own children to show empathy and compassion and do what they are asked. The siblings get on well and there is no history of violence in the home.

The sister ‘in all her wisdom’ decided to leave her 10 year old who apparently has very little (if any) empathy, poor social skills, poor impulse control and does not do as she is told in the OP’s caravan. This was apparently because the niece ‘didn’t want to do’ the chosen activity.

I mean given that the niece’s behaviour that day is unlikely to have been an unprecedented anomaly, in the OP’s position I would have said no. However, I think she can be forgiven for not predicting that a 10 year old would take another person’s property, damage it and then follow them into their private space goading them and laughing at their distress.

The Op, spectating this ghastly bullying by this 10 year old against a much bigger male 15 year old… simply spectated. Unwilling to put her baby down and walk the 2/3 steps to intervene.

The boy had lost it 24 hours previously with an arcade game!!! To the extent he had to be escorted out by the DP!

My guess… the Op has massively exaggerated the behaviour of this 10 yr old.

You keep saying that the school doesn’t want the child to be around their peers. I’m not sure where you’re getting that from?? The OP said that her SS was considered vulnerable and as such spent some of his time in the school’s SEN hub. She also said he has a good group of supportive friends. I mean yes, the OP is of course reporting things from her perspective, that’s kind of the nature of AIBU, but that doesn’t mean you can just make stuff up to suit your argument.

1. he is getting help for his “anger” at school
2. *He has in the past shoved and been in fights with other boys who thought it would be funny to pick on him hence school being involved. He’s at a mainstream school but he spends a lot of time in their sen hub whether it’s going there to calm down *
3. *His school also gave him a timeout pass so he can leave the classroom if needs be*

Maybe she thought the niece would do as she was told? Like I say, the niece’s behaviour was pretty outside of the norm, I think it’s fair that she wasn’t expecting it. All her children were just sitting happily drawing and colouring until the niece started goading her step son. Maybe she’s just not used to that kind of behaviour?

But the evidence is… he lost it so badly he had to be escorted out of the arcade by the DP. What did he lose it? A claw game.

his tolerance level is obviously in the gutter

this 10 year old probably just had to say a couple of comments

and if it was so cruel and heinous why in god’s name did the Op not intervene. This must have taken place almost within arm’s reach of her!!

If he hadn’t lost it epically at the arcade centre 24 hours previously, I might be a touch more open to the idea the Op isn’t massively exaggerating the supposed torture of this boy but this 10 year old

I just don’t know where you’re getting this stuff from!? The OP said he got angry with the claw machine and went for a walk. Not that he ‘lost it epically’. Ever watched a professional tennis match??

I can see I’m wasting my time and energy here and need to walk away myself.

I fear we are only a couple of messages away from you revealing you ‘work with children’ and honestly I just don’t want that kind of depressing information on a Saturday morning.

There was issues almost straight away as ss got angry at the claw machine but he and dp left the arcade and went for a walk to calm down

again the Op is very very sympathetic to the boy.
But fact remains
he “got angry” to such an extent the DP has to take him out of the arcade to cool down

I am done with this. But this boy…. Well, as the mother of a teen girl I am terrified that these knife edge teens are wandering around with adults in their lives that seemingly have no grasp of how serious this is.

The OP sitting like a lemon watching this escalate a case on point

He didn't "lose it" in the arcade, he "got angry" which could mean words only or even just a facial expression and he isn't banned from being around his peers, he takes himself out when he needs to.
Which would you rather, a traumatised teen who does or doesn't know when he has had enough and needs to step out ?

Ops general downplaying on the lad and dramatics of the girl I reckon he was losing it angry not just eugh it’s so unfair I didn’t win grumpy.

Your SS shouldn’t have hit her. Great your DP continues to support him, sounds like he needs the support. Hopefully he can develop strategies to reduce his anger
distance yourself from your judgemental sister and her brat child. At 10 she knows not to annoy people like that. The brat child is not 4 she is 10 and equally knows not to behave like that. At least you realise your SS reacted badly and made him apologise. You sister seems to have zero insight into her daughters behaviour. I would have no patience for this and distance myself from the sister.
If a family member jumps to threatening police and SS I would grey rock and very much distance myself. I dont want that kind of drama and lack of compassion

I have no patience for this. I would have told the child to be quiet and leave my SS alone. If she didnt I would have said bluntly she is being rude and her behaviour is unacceptable. One more and I would have left. I dont tolerate this nonsense. Your SS is struggle to regulate his emotions and doesnt need this nonsense

Newsflash people dont have to tolerate 10 year olds being annoying. We can tell annoying children to stop and expect them to learn to be considerate of others

100%
i have two sins and a daughter. I try and hold them all accountable for their behaviour. I despise when people treat my daughter as a cheeky little princess able to get away with anything

No she's not over reacting. The little girl sounds annoying like my 10yo niece. My 13 year old son would never hit her. It's good that you're getting him help but your opinion is wrong about this.

Yeah I don’t like the way many posters are adultifying a 15yo just because he’s male.

It doesn’t work like that. Many of you are weirdly naive about the idea that kids should only be bothered by someone teasing them when they are the same age, especially when the boy in question here is in therapy. Yes, you as the adult need to observe the age differences when correcting the situation but a 15yo being automatically equipped to handle a 10yo being mean is not a child development fact.

True, but have you ever seen a 15 year old boy hit someone? I'm not sure I would win in a fight against the average 15 year old boy.

The way theyve spoken about a 10yr old girl is far worse IMO.