To think Dsis is overeacting after SS hit niece?

[PapaSteel]

I've been with my partner for 8 years and we have dc together, he has a son from his previous relationship. He's 15 and not his bio son but he's been in his life since he was young and he sees him as his dad

Alot happened when we got together as his ex would tell SS that DP didn't want to see him anymore now he was dating me which wasn't true at all. She was physically & verbally abusive towards him and he's been living with us since he was 13 (after he told school about howHe has a lot of trauma and anger which school are supportive about and outside of school he gets help on how to manage the anger and he is a lot better than he was but the anger is still there so we are just patient with him

We're currently on holiday with my sister and her 2 dc and have been here since Monday. There was issues almost straight away as ss got angry at the claw machine but he and dp left the arcade and went for a walk to calm down as the arcade was busy so there was no way he'd have been able to calm down whilst in the arcade. My sister described him as a tantrumming toddler who didn't get his own way and said partner wasn't doing him any favours. I ignored her

He loves drawing and usually if you ask he will show what he's drawing but earlier he was at the table drawing and my niece (10) kept asking what he was drawing. He told her but she kept saying “show me show me” despite him saying no, she pulled his sketch book away from him which caused him to shout at her and she “accidentally” spilt her water on it. He was clearly very angry/upset and walked off to go to his room and she followed him and called him a baby, asked if he was going to cry etc, and he turned round and hit her and now he's being made out to be the bad guy

During this my sister was out with her other dc, my dp was in the shower and I was telling her multiple times to leave him alone and do something else even when she was repeatedly telling him to show her his drawing and she ignored me

My sister is now back and furious, she said she doesn't want her children to share a space with a “violent man”, and has even mentioned going to the police and social services on us if we're happy to have him around our children as he's not related to us when asked where he should go she just replied care

AIBU to think she's overreacting? I know SS shouldn't have hit her and he knows this too but she hasn't apologised for her part in deliberatly winding him up and sister says she doesn't need to as she's a child and he's nearly an adult

Just like the neice doesn't have the guidance to behave in an age appropriate manner
Nor does DSS, he’s 5 years older, as we’re placing her near 11, how close is he to 16?

Again, nobody has said the SS was ok to do this. But unlike the sister, the OP and SS recognise the behaviour is wrong and are working hard to correct it.

He had already had a meltdown earlier and had to leave the venue to regain control, he has severe mental health problems due to his past, OP sat across from the incident using her soft voice. She should have told her niece to sit down or put the baby down and blocked her, knowing that he has a terrible temper, they allowed it escalate.
If I was her Dsis, I’d punish DD for being cheeky. I would leave and would never socialise and my sister again if she was bringing her DSS.

Ultimately, I don’t think he’s safe to be around smaller children, unless he is heavily heavily supervised, if a claw machine in an arcade gets him angry enough that he needs to leave and go for a walk to calm down then he’s going to end up assaulting someone again.

I appreciate he has a troubled background, but he cannot control his anger and small children will not understand that, hence, how this situation happened in which he hit a 10 year old girl for teasing him. The responsibility cannot be placed on much younger children to understand he is violent and can’t control his temper, as his parents you need to supervise him much better or not create/allow situations where this could occur to begin with.

Saying/implying that the 10 year old is equally to blame is downplaying the issue and won’t do him any favours at all, at 15 years old he should be able to control himself enough to not lash out at much younger children when they annoy/upset him.

@OneQuirkyPanda somehow I don't think that social services will find secure accommodation for a teenager who knows to take himself off out of a situation when he gets overwhelmed.
They might just have slightly bigger problems to deal with.

There’s no way a 15 year old boy hitting a 10 year old girl he would have resulted in anything other than expulsion at my school.

Violence is not a proportionate response to being taunted by a child.

It sounds to me like the girl is a manipulative brat, and has probably heard her mother calling the SS a baby, as that's not something I would expect a 10 year old to say to an older boy, simply for fear of the reaction that she might provoke. She was obviously bored, and rather than deal with it herself, her mother chose to leave her out of the activity that she didn't want to do, by dumping her on the OP. She then proceeded to antagonise the SS, and quite frankly if this were a family situation, ie, she was SS's little sister, she would have got a clump or a shove, so I actually don't think the OP is being unreasonable to defend him. Of course I agree that a 15 year old boy shouldn't physically lash out at anyone, especially someone smaller than himself, but realistically these things happen among siblings, and while yes of course I KNOW he's not the girl's actual sibling, they were in that sort of situation.

Realistically, this wouldn’t be acceptable behaviour between my 12 and 9 year old girls, and it absolutely wouldn’t be acceptable between my 15 year old nephew and my 12 year old girl, and they are actual blood related, spent time together since she was born relatives. I wouldn’t accept it, and his mother 100% wouldn’t.

He's 15, if he can't brush it off then he can go outside for a short walk on his own around the holiday park or wherever it was they were staying. He could step outside and just sit by a nice tree and listen to some music, watch a film, read a book, do some breathing, phone a mate, go for a run, go for a swim etc.

He's not chained to the accommodation and can step outside and do the millions of things that are available for teenagers at these sites.

One would assume this would be a privilege he has at 15, and the 10yo probably isn't allowed to leave the accommodation.

There's dozens of things he can do to get away beyond throwing his weight around.