Left dsd alone on holiday

[squarecow]

Took DSD(19) and my 4 younger dc away for a week.
This is a place we have been going to for years so we have lots of friends there and know our way around.

Dsd has had a horrible couple of years, significant trauma and anxiety which we are just starting to get over. She hasn’t had her mother in her life for years so I try my best to play that part. She’s a lovely girl, I love her very much and think we have always had a good relationship.

I wanted her to be able to relax and let her hair down with friends on the holiday but I expected her to behave appropriately in front of younger siblings and to spend some time with us aswell.

From the minute we arrived she just wanted to go out and party with friends, fine but she kept randomly turning up throughout the day drunk and being inappropriate in front of dc. On day 3 I had to help shower her in the middle of the night after she’d thrown up all over herself and created a scene by shouting and swearing while my 7 year old cried at the door asking if she was okay.

Following that she seemed to calm down and I thought we had a lovely couple of days. She was obviously embarrassed so I didn’t go on at her or make her feel worse, I just told her we could forget about it.

On our last night she went out again but promised she’d be back by midnight as we were flying home the next morning. She then loudly turned up at 3am with a boy that she does know, I know his parents but I do not know or trust him enough to have him in the house with my small dc. I told him to go home, she chose to go with him and I didn’t try to stop her. I called her in the morning and she didn’t answer so we went home without her.

She is safe and her flight home has been sorted for her. She is upset though and is telling Dh that I hate her, that I’m ashamed of her and that I would have preferred to just go on holiday with my real dc, none of this is true.

Dh is disappointed in her behaviour but has hinted that he feels I could have done or at least he would have done more to be understanding and make her feel loved and included, and also that he wouldn’t have gone home without her.

Was I unreasonable?

What a load of codswallop. Fragile my arse. She was resilient enough to go out drinking and shagging and expect OP to clean up after her. OP had four younger children to think about - DSD knew what time the flight was and declined to be there on time.

OP got herself and her younger children home safely and then rearranged the flight for her DSD. Which is what any sensible parent would do. Actions do speak louder than words - OP took her on holiday and look how she was repaid. This isn’t about leaving a stepchild and concentrating on bio children, this is about prioritising your much younger children and leaving an older adult child to sort herself out after being a pain in the arse for the whole holiday, culminating in her deliberately missing her flight home. DSD should be the one apologising and if I were OP I would think twice and then a couple more times before ever taking her on holiday again.

What? I accept other opinions, in fact I welcome them.. We don't all need to concur. I like to debate. Listen - if I thought you were right, I'd agree with you.

Again, that's certainly another way of looking at it..

Why is it 'resilient' to go out drinking and shagging? Resilient is about how well you can bounce back from distressing situations in life - this behaviour suggests she is still having a hard time.
Yes, she managed to get herself home and luckily nothing bad happened to her, but she wasn't showing any common sense or care for herself and that kind of self-destructive behaviour indicates that she needs more care and attention, not less.

At least the vast majority of posters think you’re wrong! I mean 92% is quite convincing!

Tell me again how you would have made her get on the plane? 😆

Perhaps it would have been better if she hadn't even been invited, you know just being a step daughter.

Ha ha - you're funny now, I dread to think how you must go on about stuff irl. Is the majority always correct btw? Interesting that you think that..

Yep

I’m this case they are!

It’s the ones with the mild statements of I’d have made sure she got on the plane.. then can’t say how, you’ve got to worry about!

I mean come on!! Just how?

Jeeze, I hate it when a thread gets hijacked by people arguing between themselves, like dogs with a bone. Apart from anything else, it drives OPs away whenever it happens.

Anyway, @squarecow , is she back, and has her dad had words with her, or at least backed you up re you needing to get the younger kids home?
I hope you filled him in on the stuff you originally kept from him. And if you didn't, you should let SD know that you have saved her skin by keeping things from him.

Yeah I agree. Sorry!

Incredible behaviour not turning up for flight home. Who arranged and paid for her alternative flight back? Hope not the OP. Fair enough about going out partying and drinking etc but I would ask for more responsible behaviour on a number of fronts: not vomiting drunk (or at least clean yourself up), not shagging in a holiday flat with younger siblings and making sure you make the flight home. I think the boundaries here are not made clear enough - and clearly her dad thinks that the few boundaries that were imposed were too strict. I think too many excuses are being made for some of the extremes of the behaviour and the dad isn't being given the full picture of her behaviour either. This is going to get worse before it gets better if boundaries are clearly upheld and the enabling behaviour has to stop completely.

She sounds like she's had trauma that's making her drink too much/act out, but she's a young adult and taking the massive piss. She needs to be told, preferably by your DH.

You basically had to parent an adult, who has made it clear in the past you're to stay in your lane.

She made a fool of herself, made sure you had a shit time, amd scared her siblings. And now she probably has the hangover from hell, and is deflecting her shame.

DH should be thanking you, and sitting her down and say we love you, but you've behaved appallingly and you need to apologise. Amd asking whether she needs more support to work through stuff.

I actually think something huge is being missed here in that OP had no right to force DSD onto the plane.

All well and good people saying they would have done that (Christ knows how... We're still waiting on that) but they're completely ignoring the fact that, as an adult, DSD has autonomy and OP had no power over her.

Even if I was being an absolute bellend, at 18, I would have been seriously pissed off if someone tried to control me!

Also think some family therapy (if you haven't tried it already, @squarecow) might be a good idea. There's a bit of an awkward triangle with you, DH and DSD.

I genuinely think you were / are doing your best but the other two don't have their eyes fully open / aren't receptive to self-reflection.