Left dsd alone on holiday

[squarecow]

Took DSD(19) and my 4 younger dc away for a week.
This is a place we have been going to for years so we have lots of friends there and know our way around.

Dsd has had a horrible couple of years, significant trauma and anxiety which we are just starting to get over. She hasn’t had her mother in her life for years so I try my best to play that part. She’s a lovely girl, I love her very much and think we have always had a good relationship.

I wanted her to be able to relax and let her hair down with friends on the holiday but I expected her to behave appropriately in front of younger siblings and to spend some time with us aswell.

From the minute we arrived she just wanted to go out and party with friends, fine but she kept randomly turning up throughout the day drunk and being inappropriate in front of dc. On day 3 I had to help shower her in the middle of the night after she’d thrown up all over herself and created a scene by shouting and swearing while my 7 year old cried at the door asking if she was okay.

Following that she seemed to calm down and I thought we had a lovely couple of days. She was obviously embarrassed so I didn’t go on at her or make her feel worse, I just told her we could forget about it.

On our last night she went out again but promised she’d be back by midnight as we were flying home the next morning. She then loudly turned up at 3am with a boy that she does know, I know his parents but I do not know or trust him enough to have him in the house with my small dc. I told him to go home, she chose to go with him and I didn’t try to stop her. I called her in the morning and she didn’t answer so we went home without her.

She is safe and her flight home has been sorted for her. She is upset though and is telling Dh that I hate her, that I’m ashamed of her and that I would have preferred to just go on holiday with my real dc, none of this is true.

Dh is disappointed in her behaviour but has hinted that he feels I could have done or at least he would have done more to be understanding and make her feel loved and included, and also that he wouldn’t have gone home without her.

Was I unreasonable?

Don't waste your time trying to convince mumsnet, if you did all they say and your DSD came here to complain they will still call you an evil step mother and say you're not her mother etc.

You cant win, and frankly I wouldn't be travel with her when your DH isn't there to parent her.

I was a bit of a party hearty girl as a teenger/young 20s. I would never, never, never, never, never, never, never have behaved badly around children or brought a scumbag back to where I was staying.

She's completely in the wrong and has been incredibly fortunate you have been so unbelievably kind and understanding.

I'm so glad you went home without her, please never ever subject your children to her horrible, dangerous behaviour again, she doesn't get to be around them on holidays until she has learned not to drag randoms back to where you are staying, vomit all over herself etc.

And your DH can apologise to you for daring to harass you about your incredibly compassionate response to her and should be far more concerned about the safety of the younger kids.

The operative word is 'kid'. Nineteen-year-olds are not kids and it is not in anyone's interests, including theirs, to treat them as if they were.

You sound like a very caring and level headed step mum OP, not really sure why you’re getting shit on here for your post.
Have you spoken with your step daughter about why you had to go, that it wasn’t punishment, you had to get the other kids home and didn’t have to option of going to get her and it’s not like she didn’t know the flight was happening. Assume you’ve paid extra for her replacement flight too?
there’s nothing wrong with having boundaries, she surely can’t expect to come on holiday where there are young kids, treat it like a girls holiday and expect to be treated like a young child too in that you make sure she’s at certain place etc .
i wouldn’t give it much more energy, just make sure she has the clear message that there are and haven’t been any hard feelings on your part and you love her dearly and that’s that, move on, keep showing up for her, it will be fine I’m sure x

Was dad not aware what was going on well before she missed the flight? It's one thing for him to have left you managing 5 of his kids alone on a holiday abroad. If he has to work then he has to work (I guess?.....) but why weren't the 2 of you communicating regularly about this clusterfuck? If he thought that you shouldn't have left dsd was he willing to fly out to wait for her to show up? Was he online every second trying to work out how he was going to get 6 people home from presumably a popular holiday destination in the middle of the school holidays? What exactly did he expect you to do and why wasn't he communicating this to you well before dsd told him her sob story about you being a wicked stepmum?

This dynamic is all kinds of wrong. If you pander to it then dsd will retain the emotional maturity of a petulant 9 year old for the rest of her life and you'll be left cleaning up her shit. Do not let them deflect any blame onto you for her poor choices. Tell her and her 'dad' bluntly that you did what you could to put up with her crap and accomodate her, she gave you no such respect back and this was the consequence. She's an adult now and well into FAFO territory. You will love and support her as much as you can but you cannot and will not always protect her from the consequences of her choices. You won't be taking her on any more family holidays alone either as she's made it a miserable , unsafe and stressful experience for your younger kids. A holiday is a privledge not a right especially when you become an adult.

Put your foot down OP and set rock solid boundaries for you and the younger kids or you might have decades more of this and much worse.

The one thing you haven’t indicated is where the country / place is you left her in relation to your joint home. I think leaving a 19 year old by themselves in another country is quite a big deal - less so if it’s Western Europe to the UK. It also sees insane that your DH sent you away with 5 children (I do see a 19 year old as more child than adult).

Wow she is 19, an adult. Knows how to play the victim card instead of owning up her poor behaviour

OP, have you asked her, in your shoes, and considering her four young siblings, what she would have done?

You sound like a wonderful mom & stepmom OP and your dsd is very lucky to have you in her life. It sounds like a brief chat to reassure her and clear the air might be in order.

Just read your posts . "lovely girl" or not getting drunk, throwing up, swearing around young children, missing a flight home - not lovely behaviour is it? But what got me through teenage years was your child needs you most when you like them least".

Her dad needs to get her some help. I'd have tried to stop her leaving with the boy the night before and given her a clear warning then that she could miss her flight home. What happened to her luggage if you checked out of the accommodation?

The sd's behaviour was inappropriate all around. It wasn't meant to be a party trip with girlfriends. She was selfish and rude.

I’d have done the same thing under these circumstances. Your dsd knows people over there on holiday at the same time as her. They possibly helped her. At least, I hope the guy she stayed with did.

You aren't being unreasonable but just looks like standard teenage behaviour so I wouldn't worry about it too much.

She obviously knew when the flight was and missing it was her fault, not yours. It was ridiculous to expect 5 people to miss a flight because she didn't have the self discipline to do what she was asked to do and sleep in her own bed for the night and get up on time.
She wasn't stranded in some strange foreign place on her own. She was in a place she knew well, with people she knew well, including the family where she spent that last night of her holiday.
I don't think you did anything wrong, aside from arguably being too tolerant of her bad behaviour, but you were in a difficult position.
You talk about your "small children" a lot, and say that they are under 13. A 12 year old is not a "small child", so maybe don't infantilise them.
I think DH needs to have a serious talk with his daughter about her behaviour and sense of entitlement.

I think this was a lesson DSD needed to learn. She wanted to spend a night with a guy and prioritised that over getting home safely and didnt set an alarm clock or didnt care and probably expected someone to do everything for her. Very often in life if you are irresponsible, you have consequences for that and hopefully she will in fitire rememebr to not get drunk the night before she is due to leave.

What concerns me with this is that you didn't trust the boy enough to have him in the house overnight with your kids, but didn't try to stop your dsd from leaving with him in the middle of the night. She was drunk and vulnerable - we all know what can happen to women in those situations.

I wonder if he went 'Oh shit' when he realised his happy-go-lucky shag had turned into a freaking out teen, or refused to help, or blamed the Mum, which is why DSD being so salty now, out of mortification...

DH, too, may be embarrassed that she acted like that and is trying to deflect blame...

Anyway, I think you did well to prioritise getting four young kids home, and have been kind enough in keeping quiet about some of her excesses to spare her blushes. But maybe she needs to take the consequences of her actions now.

It's gone from 'I'm old enough to do what I like, you can't tell me what to do, you're not my Mum.'

'Okay, see you back home then.'

'Muuuum!'

At her age, if you go on holiday with parents then you don’t act as if you’re on holiday with your mates. If you want to go out getting properly drunk, stopping out overnight, ignoring the wishes/feelings of the rest of the household then you are an adult perfectly capable of getting yourself home if you’ve missed your flight. If you’re not capable of that and you feel that your parents (step or otherwise) are responsible for getting you home or clearing up your mess, then you should be behaving like a child and doing what you’re expected to, including not getting blind drunk or stopping out overnight. She’s turning on the ‘poor me’ to her dad to cover up her embarrassment, at best, or perhaps because she’s already got used to never having to take responsibility for her actions. I’d be pretty pissed off at my DH in your shoes and tell him that he is not doing his daughter any favours by letting her wrap him round her finger. ‘Could have done more to make her feel included’ - bollocks. She’s 19 and got taken away on holiday and allowed to do whatever she liked - she was included - she chose not to be a part of a family holiday but rather to use you, presumably, to fund her trip, cook or buy her meals and drinks, and clean up after her (including her vomit!) while she went out partying. I, like you, wouldn’t have held that entirely against her as she’s young and had a hard time, but I’d be thinking again if I’ve had it thrown back in my face like this and I’d be telling her just that.

your DH sent you away with 5 children

Quite a spin you've put on OP's "Took DSD(19) and my 4 younger dc away for a week." @Supporting2026

This is clearly somewhere that the family go to often, have friends there, and a trip that OP chose to take the kids on. You seem to think that women can't make their own choices and that she could only possibly be there because her DH 'sent her'.

You'd have let a boy you don't know or trust enough to allow to stay over with your young DC nevertheless stay over with them, really?

I can see that OP could've attempted to do more, ring DH if nothing else, but nothing about this situation says it was possible to protect everyone if DSD simply wasn't having it. As OP says she doesn't know or trust the friend well enough to invite him to sleep over, she also doesn't know or trust him well enough to presume any attempts at boundaries would be respected.

Sorry but I wouldn’t have left without her if I were her dad. She was with a guy ye didn’t trust. I think you both put up with a lot and were great but as teens we’ve all done stupid stuff and seeing how drunk ye had seen her I just think he should have stayed and got her home. People can say about age but even if she were older- she’s still a drunk woman in a different country

Would be interesting to know if she would have got so pissed & behaved so badly if her dad was there.

It's not as if this badly behaved adult was left stranded in a foreign country on her own. She was in bed with a lad she knows who was with his family and she was in contact with multiple other family friends!

Poor girl could really use therapy when she’s ready. I recognise this behaviour so much from myself when I was lost and trying to cope with things that had happened. Hopefully you guys can rectify this rupture.