Left dsd alone on holiday

[squarecow]

Took DSD(19) and my 4 younger dc away for a week.
This is a place we have been going to for years so we have lots of friends there and know our way around.

Dsd has had a horrible couple of years, significant trauma and anxiety which we are just starting to get over. She hasn’t had her mother in her life for years so I try my best to play that part. She’s a lovely girl, I love her very much and think we have always had a good relationship.

I wanted her to be able to relax and let her hair down with friends on the holiday but I expected her to behave appropriately in front of younger siblings and to spend some time with us aswell.

From the minute we arrived she just wanted to go out and party with friends, fine but she kept randomly turning up throughout the day drunk and being inappropriate in front of dc. On day 3 I had to help shower her in the middle of the night after she’d thrown up all over herself and created a scene by shouting and swearing while my 7 year old cried at the door asking if she was okay.

Following that she seemed to calm down and I thought we had a lovely couple of days. She was obviously embarrassed so I didn’t go on at her or make her feel worse, I just told her we could forget about it.

On our last night she went out again but promised she’d be back by midnight as we were flying home the next morning. She then loudly turned up at 3am with a boy that she does know, I know his parents but I do not know or trust him enough to have him in the house with my small dc. I told him to go home, she chose to go with him and I didn’t try to stop her. I called her in the morning and she didn’t answer so we went home without her.

She is safe and her flight home has been sorted for her. She is upset though and is telling Dh that I hate her, that I’m ashamed of her and that I would have preferred to just go on holiday with my real dc, none of this is true.

Dh is disappointed in her behaviour but has hinted that he feels I could have done or at least he would have done more to be understanding and make her feel loved and included, and also that he wouldn’t have gone home without her.

Was I unreasonable?

Oh @squarecow your DH would've dealt with it sooo much better if only he'd been there, disappointed DH face, sadly clicks mouse 🙄🙄🙄

Several things here, you've been away as a solo parent (for the purposes of this holiday) with 5, count'em! kids and young people. You've done really, really well. It's sad that your DSD has had a difficult couple of years, I hope she's starting to recover.

You gave her freedom and tried to trust her judgement as an adult, and this is how she used it. You can reassure her of how much you love her, but she was indicating that she wanted to be treated as an adult. You can guarantee if you'd babied her she would be furious about that too.

Let it settle with her, your DH should have your back here. Have a chat in a week or so's time when the dust has settled. Good luck to you.

And once again, you took 4 children and and a young adult away on your own - I'm applauding!

So what exactly would her DF have wanted you to do? Lose the airfares for all of you? Are you that well off? Your DSD has behaved abominably: she knows that, and so does your DH. She is trying to make out that it’s your fault when it isn’t, and he’s trying to minimise his DD’s appalling behaviour. Just ignore - and next year, insist that DSD goes on holiday with DH rather than just with you.

No. In real life too. He wasn’t there, didn’t see the behaviour so doesn’t know first hand how OP coped. He’s now implying that she could have handled it better, seemingly based more on the word of his DD who was the actual cause of the trouble, than OP who was dealing with it alone. A quiet word with his DD about her behaviour would have been more appropriate than picking apart how OP responded to the issues she caused.

Dh is disappointed in her behaviour but has hinted that he feels I could have done or at least he would have done more to be understanding and make her feel loved and included, and also that he wouldn’t have gone home without her.

Cheeky beggar. He should be falling over himself to thank you for everything you did for his daughter!! How dare he even give the slightest hint you could have done more - am astounded at his gall.

You flew off and left her behind?! 😵

Nope, she's an adult (albeit a young one, still adult), she repeated a bad decision after fucking up once, and she knew she had a flight to catch.

I would have done nothing different. And unless you had super flexible tickets, rebooking 6 flights as apposed to one for a twat that fucked up would be a huge cost I would imagine.

You think the OP should have prioritised a grown woman, who knew perfectly well the flight times, over her 4 children??

Way to go enabling bad behaviour

I think you managed it perfectly. You knew she was safe and with someone you knew. You’ve sorted another flight home. She’s 19.

Could you chat with her in a casual way, laugh about how you did stupid things at 19 and it’s just a part of growing up. I remember talking to my (much older) sister about something embarrassing I was cringing about. She just laughed and said ‘that’s what your 20’s are for!’ It kind of made me realise to stop talking it all so seriously.

It sounds like she’s trying to make it a bigger deal by running and moaning to her dad. If you act like it’s just something silly she did and her dad backs you up by pointing out she was the unreasonable one it might make her grow up a bit.

I wouldn’t take her away on your own again. What a mess. You’ve done more than enough, of course you had to leave as scheduled with your children! No good deed and all that, he can piss off if he thinks you’ve done anything wrong.

Which is what most sensible people would have done. What was OP supposed to do - have her and her four young kids miss their flight and then sit around in the airport. in the hope DSD would turn up later ? She’s an adult, she knew when they were leaving and she chose not to be there to catch the flight, having ignored OP’s calls. Much easier and cheaper to rearrange a flight for one person than six and DSD has learned a valuable lesson - FAFO.

They’re her half siblings aren’t they? Not that it makes any difference to the holiday behaviour.

Did you speak to your dh at all during the holiday to let him know how she was behaving?

You know that you wouldn't have left her if she was your biological daughter. And she knows that too.

It sounds like she's embarrassed about her behaviour and possibly a little insecure, so is doubling down to check with her Dad how angry you are with her. You helped her shower vomit off her and tried to call to leave for the airport, I'm not sure how your actions weren't understanding or loving. Where was her Dad in all this?

Oh, FGS, at 19 my dc was well able to navigate a flight home alone.

I would be very straight and direct with your DH , tell him exactly what transpires and tell him you will not be guilt tripped.

However, I might have called him in the middle of the night before the flight with a 'just to let you know....' call

He might have been able to talk some sense into her and get her to come for the flight. And then he would also have been involved as someone she paid no attention to.

Yanbu she's 19 not 9. She chose to leave and not be back on time for the flight. She needs to hold herself accountable for that and stop deflecting onto you to avoid doing that.

Nothing wrong with what you did.

She is 19, and whilst she obvious has some issues that are impacting her behaviour and reactions to situations, these are her issues to deal with. She has to work out her strategies to function in the world - or choose not to. But either way, the world won't bend to suit her.

It was definitely right to carry on with your plans with the 4 younger ones, than risk being stuck in an airport for hours - and with no guarantee she would even turn up for the rearranged flight.

I think a strong conversation with your husband is in order. What he may or may not have done is irrelevant. You were the parent in charge and you took the decision.

Where am I blaming him and what for?

Im agreeing that he was out of order questioning OP.

But I can’t see any “blame”? I’m not saying that it’s his fault DSD was acting badly?

Answer this, would you like to have been on the holiday dealing with drunken DSD, crying DC and strange men being brought back? Or rather had been at work (earning money Obs), coming home to a peaceful house? I know which one I would prefer. Maybe not his fault or choice, but then don’t start picking holes in OPs parenting decision.

It was clear from the OP's reply to me about 15 minutes before you posted this.

OP tell her you love her. Then bollock her for her behaviour. But tell her you love her again.

19 yo went through similar with parents abandoning me and I struggled a lot. Drank too much. Aye too much. Wrecked myself and all I needed was a real parent.

Dsd is just deflecting by blaming you and feeling sorry for herself. Id take it with a pinch of salt.

Pick her up from airport. Take her for a coffee or something to eat. Talk it through

Excellent.
Next trip he solo parents all 5...

Thank you for the replies.

I of course understand some of the reasons behind her behaviour and I am sympathetic to her. My behaviour was far from perfect at her age too.

I have no intention of further punishing or shaming her as I can tell she is already embarrassed.

Honestly, at 19 years old on holiday with her very young brothers and sisters, I'd be disappointed she wasn't acting more responsibly.

I loved helping out with younger kids at that age. Not saying that she should have been at your beck and call doing childcare, of course some time with other people her own age would have also been great, but I'm surprised she wasn't pitching in of her own accord. I remember helping out with younger kids at that age, it made me feel quite grown up.

Biological or step, makes no difference.
A 19 year old adult was jeopardising the well-being of the rest of the family.
As someone else so aptly put it, she Fucked Around and Found Out.

I think you handled the situation perfectly 👌