Left dsd alone on holiday

[squarecow]

Took DSD(19) and my 4 younger dc away for a week.
This is a place we have been going to for years so we have lots of friends there and know our way around.

Dsd has had a horrible couple of years, significant trauma and anxiety which we are just starting to get over. She hasn’t had her mother in her life for years so I try my best to play that part. She’s a lovely girl, I love her very much and think we have always had a good relationship.

I wanted her to be able to relax and let her hair down with friends on the holiday but I expected her to behave appropriately in front of younger siblings and to spend some time with us aswell.

From the minute we arrived she just wanted to go out and party with friends, fine but she kept randomly turning up throughout the day drunk and being inappropriate in front of dc. On day 3 I had to help shower her in the middle of the night after she’d thrown up all over herself and created a scene by shouting and swearing while my 7 year old cried at the door asking if she was okay.

Following that she seemed to calm down and I thought we had a lovely couple of days. She was obviously embarrassed so I didn’t go on at her or make her feel worse, I just told her we could forget about it.

On our last night she went out again but promised she’d be back by midnight as we were flying home the next morning. She then loudly turned up at 3am with a boy that she does know, I know his parents but I do not know or trust him enough to have him in the house with my small dc. I told him to go home, she chose to go with him and I didn’t try to stop her. I called her in the morning and she didn’t answer so we went home without her.

She is safe and her flight home has been sorted for her. She is upset though and is telling Dh that I hate her, that I’m ashamed of her and that I would have preferred to just go on holiday with my real dc, none of this is true.

Dh is disappointed in her behaviour but has hinted that he feels I could have done or at least he would have done more to be understanding and make her feel loved and included, and also that he wouldn’t have gone home without her.

Was I unreasonable?

You're financially well off then?

How selfish.

I cant believe any mother would put 1 grown-assed adult's wants above 4 little kid's needs, just so she didnt have to tell her H "no one was left behind" .

I’m not sure what anyone expected you to do? Drag your other 4 kids around to go and find her, possibly have them upset some more? Or leave your 4 other kids by themselves while you went looking for her?

You were stuck between a rock and a hard place and DH is being entirely unreasonable.

Shes 19 not 9 and sounds like she needs to learn some responsibility.

Sorry op but I probably would have attempted to stop her heading back off with the fella when she was intoxicated and you knew you'd be flying in a matter of hours.

I think yes she behaved unreasonably, it sounds like she may have had her reasons for that but still unreasonable. But at the core of this it sounds like you've got quite a vulnerable young woman struggling with her mental health and misusing alcohol and there's no way I'd have been comfortable leaving her behind so I would have stepped in before she left again with the lad. Obviously you may not have been physically able to stop her but I do think at that point you should have tried.

I think as long as you rang her the next morning a few times to try and make sure she was awake then my conscience would be clear. Crap outcome but probably a good learning opportunity for your step daughter.

I think you gave her too much freedom but I'm sure if you hadn't, you'd be accused of being a controlling, evil SM.

She's an adult. She can come and go as she pleases, you can't just physically restrain another adult from leaving the house!

I agree @Greengage1983. I'd be in exactly the same position if DD (21) decided to stay over with a lad and missed her flight. I could do absolutely nothing except ring her in the morning and hope that she met us at the airport.

We can't go over to someone's house and drag another adult out of bed to catch a flight, I doubt that it's legal!

I had exactly the same thoughts. If DH had been in the loop before OP and younger kids boarded the plane then SD wouldnt have been able to try and use the "she doesnt love me the same" approach.

I do wonder how OP would feel if the roles were reversed and DH left one of her biological children (in exactly the same circumstances/age) without informing her of it the night it happened or the following day before flying. I think that would be my only slight gripe if it was my OH to be honest.

What would the alternative have been - that you & the other kids had to miss your flight? It sounds like you did everything you reasonably could do and at 19 she is perfectly capable of getting a flight on her own.

DH left you to go on holiday alone with 4 young children and a young adult who has recently been through a rough patch then thought you didn't handle it right? Hmm....You did nothing wrong. Shes an adult. She will, eventually, get more mature, at the moment she's drama queening it (she hates me! She only wants to be with her own children!) And possibly projecting her own feelings onto you.

What time was the flight Op?

She isn't her biological daughter and still took her on holiday!

if the 19 year old came back in time for flight, there would be no issue, her messy teenage behaviour seems to have been tolerated fine. The implied lack of care/attention is strongly coming from the 19 year old, not step mum surely

OP, you’ve said you try to play the role of a mother to your DSD. With that in mind, it’s difficult to understand the decision to leave her abroad and expect her to make her own way home, even if you sorted the flights. If this had been one of your biological children, would you have handled it the same way?

You’ve also mentioned her trauma and anxiety. Those things don’t disappear just because you’re on holiday, and they do affect judgement. Taking five children away on your own was always going to be demanding, and her behaviour wasn’t entirely unpredictable.

I understand why you didn’t want the boy in the house with your younger DC, but once she left with him, she was vulnerable. That’s usually a point where a parent steps in, even if it’s uncomfortable.

It sounds like you were overwhelmed and trying to manage a lot, but yes — the way the final night and the journey home were handled wasn’t reasonable.

If I was a parent in a 'blended' family (I'm not), and my DH took all of the kids abroad on holiday, and returned with his biological kids only, having left my biological kid behind, we'd be over. Sorry.

Why does it matter? Do you want her to say that it was in the evening so that you can tell her that she should have done more?

OP knew how much time she had to get four kids packed and to the airport in plenty of time, and whether she (with four trailing young kids) had time to go chasing after a 19 year old who, going by her past record, would just say "you're not my mother, you can't make me" and cause another scene to upset the younger kids.
Not to mention that who knows where SD's belongings/suitcase/ passport were

OP made her decision, and left a perfectly capable young adult (who would also have OP's friends out there if she needed help) to get herself home on a flight that OP booked and paid for.

She really needs therapy.

I actually think it was a good thing you left her, she is an adult and you knew she was safe with people she knows. You have maintained a boundary that the holiday doesn’t revolve around her.

However with her past history, getting drunk is opening a way into her deeper emotions which she really needs help for.

You obviously care for her. Maybe remind her that love and care isn’t about being a pushover it’s about teaching and maintaining respect and balanced care across the 5 of them.

She sounds so lost inside.

@Bellabeth80 How could the OP have prevented her adult DSD from going off with the lad and missing her flight though? I don't think that she could have tbh.

You’re right that you can’t physically prevent a 19‑year‑old from going off with someone. That’s not realistic. But you can manage the situation so the safest option is the one they’re most likely to choose. In my own family, I’d probably have let the boy stay — with boundaries — because that keeps everyone under one roof and allows me to protect the younger children and the vulnerable young adult. The issue isn’t “stopping” her leaving; it’s making sure she isn’t left alone and unsafe afterwards

Agree with everything you did OP.

It must have been hard to leave her behind but she's an adult. Also fair play taking 5 kids on holiday on your own and it's a shame the eldest was the most difficult.

She behaved like many 19yos would at home on weekends but it's important to have a chat with her about safety overseas such as drinks being spiked, stronger drinks, and going off into the night when she's not as familiar with the area.

I would probably ask her to pay towards the replacement plane ticket if she's got a job. It doesn't have to be the whole shebang, but I would expect her to pay some of it back as she's an adult and OP you shouldn't be footing the bill.

It's a shame that rather than embracing the lesson, she has made herself into a victim to DH. You said there's some history of trauma, and not taking care of her personal safety and being impulsive indicate that she's possibly needing some more boundaries in place on family holidays as well as professional help.

DH needs to back you on this and quite frankly treat you to a spa day for taking all the kids abroad on your own.

Agree with others you should let 19yo know you love her unconditionally and that won't change when she fucks up which will happen. She's possibly pushing to test if you will abandon her or if you'll stick around even if she's difficult. It's important she knows she's a permanent member of the family and no amount of messing up will mean you turn your back on her.

Good luck OP. She sounds like she's probably a good kid but is just going through a difficult teenage/young adult phase.

Make sure you talk to your 7yo again in the aftermath about what he witnessed, it's worth revisiting it in a few weeks once the dust has settled to check in with any anxiety he might have going forward.

The alternative is hunting down a hungover teenager/YA and rebooking flights for everyone. Unless OP is made of money it's unreasonable to expect her to reorganise everyone.

She made sure she got home and if she's old enough to go off in the night on her own then she's old enough to get herself to the airport and sit on a plane a few hours. Many 19yos go on holidays with their mates, and she's treated it a bit like that with her behaviour.

Sounds like the lad is well known to the family so I'm not sure lock and key is appropriate, least of all because she could go off to university and get up to all sorts of antics with random other students, and certainly wouldn't expect OP to be walking through Pryzm at 3am to make sure she doesn't make a drunken mistake. She's 19 and she's entitled to make mistakes.

She’s 19. She’s an adult. She made her bad choices.

Why must so many posters infantilise “young adults”.

you have to tell him her behaviour. You took dsd and 4 younger children on holiday solo and was up helping her shower in the middle of thr
night with little children woken up and crying. of course you got on that plane with the 4 little dc!! Tell dh everything and if you don’t have his full backing she just can’t come with you, it doesn’t work.

Quite right. You sound brilliant.

At 19 this is a lesson she is definitely old enough to learn.. I was doing this much younger! She sounds quite immature and I think you did the right thing. I think when she’s home, go for lunch and tell her you do care about her but she is 19! I think you sound lovely. My mum has never helped me shower when drunk 🥰

How did you make all this up 😂. What did you read that suggests she was nanny to the other kids? And how do you know when was forced to go and didn't want to join them.

If @squarecow decided to only go with her 4 kids she would be accused of excluding DSD because she isn't her child.

And how dare OP go on and have more kids????