Left dsd alone on holiday

[squarecow]

Took DSD(19) and my 4 younger dc away for a week.
This is a place we have been going to for years so we have lots of friends there and know our way around.

Dsd has had a horrible couple of years, significant trauma and anxiety which we are just starting to get over. She hasn’t had her mother in her life for years so I try my best to play that part. She’s a lovely girl, I love her very much and think we have always had a good relationship.

I wanted her to be able to relax and let her hair down with friends on the holiday but I expected her to behave appropriately in front of younger siblings and to spend some time with us aswell.

From the minute we arrived she just wanted to go out and party with friends, fine but she kept randomly turning up throughout the day drunk and being inappropriate in front of dc. On day 3 I had to help shower her in the middle of the night after she’d thrown up all over herself and created a scene by shouting and swearing while my 7 year old cried at the door asking if she was okay.

Following that she seemed to calm down and I thought we had a lovely couple of days. She was obviously embarrassed so I didn’t go on at her or make her feel worse, I just told her we could forget about it.

On our last night she went out again but promised she’d be back by midnight as we were flying home the next morning. She then loudly turned up at 3am with a boy that she does know, I know his parents but I do not know or trust him enough to have him in the house with my small dc. I told him to go home, she chose to go with him and I didn’t try to stop her. I called her in the morning and she didn’t answer so we went home without her.

She is safe and her flight home has been sorted for her. She is upset though and is telling Dh that I hate her, that I’m ashamed of her and that I would have preferred to just go on holiday with my real dc, none of this is true.

Dh is disappointed in her behaviour but has hinted that he feels I could have done or at least he would have done more to be understanding and make her feel loved and included, and also that he wouldn’t have gone home without her.

Was I unreasonable?

@Pinkchickenwinethst was a reply to another poster who was asking what obvious fact I'd left out. I thought they were going to say that as a 19 yr old the dd is an adult.

YANBU - at 19 she is an adult. Actions have consequences.

It's up to her father to parent her instead of criticising you.

Oh god not this again. Obviously a person isn't going to physically manhandle another grown adult into a car through an airport and onto a plane. That obviously isn't possible. I really didn't think that would require explanation, I was wrong. This is MN I suppose. I explained what op could have done and why and, op did none of it. And was only too happy to dump her fragile SD abroad and fly back without her, with only a feeble 'I called her once but no answer'. Sorry not good enough.

May be tag or quote them? Otherwise the comment just gets lost.

Your quote was I would’ve made her get the flight….

But in reality that was bullshit!

When asked how by numerous posters, you conceded you could t have done, be is DD or DSD!

Silly comment! Glad you realise that now.

@Absolutefuckinglegend No one should be leaving a 19 yr old behind in a foreign country or letting her leave, drunk, at 3am with a boy she barely knows and not offer so much as a tiny protest. Thats not showing love or even basic care imo.
I wouldn't have done it. And I don't believe OP would have left her own dd at that age, regardless of what she says now.

Ha ha what? You sound like a child..

How would you have dealt with it?

And it sounds as though this probably isn't the first time words haven't been enough to coax step-daughter into toeing the line.

OP sounds like she knows SD very well and probably had enough experience to figure out it was futile.

I'm also not sure how she could have put the required energy / time / effort into (figuratively) dragging SD from the boy's house with 4 children (and suitcases) in tow. Getting 4 kids (bad luggage) to the airport, alone, sounds like a big enough task.

I think people forget reality, sometimes. It's so easy to comment from the sidelines.

Do I? Really?

Shall we start hurling insults? Shall
I say what you sound like? With the “I would’ve made her get o the flight” nonsense?

And, no, I don't have any of these issues, personally, so I'm not speaking from experience. We are not a blended family, our child has no issues and they are very, very well behaved. Whoop whoop, lucky me. The main thing is, it doesn't stop me from being able to look through someone else's lense and see that their situation might be fraught and challenging.

Oh isn’t it!

The sanctimonious i wouldn’t have allowed that! But can’t follow it up with an actual strategy!

Good grief, you're carrying on. 👋

I've said upthread that I would have done re her leaving in the middle of the night. I'd have kicked up an almighty fuss, in front of that boy and generally done everything in my power to keep her in the house.
I would have cancelled my flight until she was with me and on the flight too. If necessary I'd have her dad fly over and help. But nothing would have compelled me to just get on the plane and leave her there.
Now I'm not saying I wouldn't have been massively pissed off but you don't just leave your distressed kids and go home. Not even when they are being a total pita.

Is this for anyone particular? Quote or tag maybe?

As are you!

It's ok if it's a stepkid though.

Seemingly!

I think it was unkind to leave her there but understand why you did. She is an adult at the end of the day so she needs to grow up.

You've been very patient so far but this was a step too far. She's an adult; sometimes the best way is for them to learn for themselves. The fact she's trying to blame you for her poor judgement suggests she needs to be held into account for her own actions more often!

Just a follow up on my previous post before someone jumped on with assumptions!

If you're spinning on the fact that this girl isn't her biological daughter and trying to pull she favours her own then I'd think she'd have refused to take her stepdaughter at all if that was honestly the case

The flights for five people? Not your flight?

then made her dad fly over, adding another flight so seven flights now?

So seven extra flights and additional accommodation cost for you all.

You've a lot of available cash!

You’d have kicked up
an almighty fuss, frightening the already frightened other children? One that was already crying and frightened?

For a drink abusive 19 year old, who is fine, as expected!

In future the 19 year old should pay & organise their own holidays away from the main family

Ta da!

No more freebies for that DSD!