Left dsd alone on holiday

[squarecow]

Took DSD(19) and my 4 younger dc away for a week.
This is a place we have been going to for years so we have lots of friends there and know our way around.

Dsd has had a horrible couple of years, significant trauma and anxiety which we are just starting to get over. She hasn’t had her mother in her life for years so I try my best to play that part. She’s a lovely girl, I love her very much and think we have always had a good relationship.

I wanted her to be able to relax and let her hair down with friends on the holiday but I expected her to behave appropriately in front of younger siblings and to spend some time with us aswell.

From the minute we arrived she just wanted to go out and party with friends, fine but she kept randomly turning up throughout the day drunk and being inappropriate in front of dc. On day 3 I had to help shower her in the middle of the night after she’d thrown up all over herself and created a scene by shouting and swearing while my 7 year old cried at the door asking if she was okay.

Following that she seemed to calm down and I thought we had a lovely couple of days. She was obviously embarrassed so I didn’t go on at her or make her feel worse, I just told her we could forget about it.

On our last night she went out again but promised she’d be back by midnight as we were flying home the next morning. She then loudly turned up at 3am with a boy that she does know, I know his parents but I do not know or trust him enough to have him in the house with my small dc. I told him to go home, she chose to go with him and I didn’t try to stop her. I called her in the morning and she didn’t answer so we went home without her.

She is safe and her flight home has been sorted for her. She is upset though and is telling Dh that I hate her, that I’m ashamed of her and that I would have preferred to just go on holiday with my real dc, none of this is true.

Dh is disappointed in her behaviour but has hinted that he feels I could have done or at least he would have done more to be understanding and make her feel loved and included, and also that he wouldn’t have gone home without her.

Was I unreasonable?

Queencat, you obviously need therapy. Please leave OP alone, she has done nothing wrong in the face of massive problems and is STILL nice enough to not even tell the girls dad all of it!
Please look to yourself for the problems you are imagining.

Oh Queencat you are obviously a stepchild with issues.
You are twisting point, it isn't about you this time,stop trying to hog the attention!

At 19 I was travelling solo through Europe like many others. If I missed a flight then that’s on me. This girl needs some accountability.

Queencat...please please book yourself into therapy! Your bitterness is palpable.

Queencat you really are just provoking now aren't you.
Go hit a punchbag dear.

As I have already mentioned,at 19 I had a 2 yr old, and zero help from parents. Had to make all decisions for myself and everything turned out fine. 19 is an adult, its irrelevant what relation they are to you.

19 is NOT young. Why are adults now thought of as children?
So many of us were housewives ( sorry "homemakers"!)and mothers by this age with all the responsibilty that brings!
Now I understand what is meant by the " flaky" generation...need their hands holding for everything

He was at home, not on the holiday. OOwas there with 4 other young children.

It is obv to me that dh is one of those "I'm busy, can you deal with it" types who take a wife just have a nanny for the kids he happily has,as he doesn't have to look after them!

oh for gods sake - id have done the same op - dont know why you getting so many judgmental people

my 18 year old step son is in asia somewhere with friends right now - doesnt need us looking after him

am sure hes gotten into crap situations all over the place on this trip

i went on similar 6 month trip at 20 and omg the stuff that happened

its pretty normal

it would have been absolutley stupid for them to have to rebook 5 flights wtf -

You sound perfect to me. And did everything right. I have two younger daughters and a 20 yo DD and would have done the same as you as the only other adult. Had your DH been there one of you could have stayed with her or gone to try and get her but he wasn’t and reserving new flights for you and the other children rather than one 19yo was the lesser of those evils.

I think if this was your biological child, you would have 1) gone absolutely ape shit at her for her dreadful behaviour and 2) not left her behind.

I don't think being nice and understanding in respect of rude and irresponsible behaviour is the right answer.

But given you can't discipline her and you have to tip toe around her behaviour so much, you had no choice but to just leave her. She is an adult, I was living abroad on my own at age 19.

Exactly this. My (very young for her age, ND) dd at 18 organised all her own flights, trains, accommodation etc to and from various Asian countries, as well as trips to Europe with friends. There's no way in this scenario I'd miss a flight for me and 4 young kids if my dd made choices that meant she missed the flight. A 19 yr old should be well able to go online and book themselves another flight, and sort out an AirBnB if needed, although it doesnt sound like the dsd would have even needed to do that.

Aw Grendel7 you're obsessed with me ❤! lots of responses and mentions from you on pp posts too. Sweet really. But no I don't 'need therapy', funny! You mention 'bitterness' - not sure what you're referring to but I'm not bitter about anything tbh. I'm not a step child nor do I have step children, if that's what you meant. But you're pretty incomprehensible so not sure.

It's not about how competent a 19yr old is in booking flights, travelling etc. Many posters are saying this as if it's the issue. This is missing the point.

The point is op left her SD in another country and took her bio kids back home. She barely tried to let the SD know she was going to do this.

OP should simply tell SD she loves her now, some have suggested - do me a favour.

Actions speak louder than words

and this fragile SD knows now that her SM is not to be relied upon and she can't trust her (I expect she always suspected that anyway).

@Queenncat ,

At what age do you think people need to bear responsibility for their actions. What if the stepdaughter was 25, or 35?!

She opted for a drunken one night stand and then not answering her phone, having already had an evening of drunken puking in front of her much younger siblings.

From what the OP said, she wasn’t even made to pay for her flight.

It’s nothing to do with bio vs step, it’s to do with ages, actions and practicalities.

19 isn't young?What planet are you on??? She's not a child, but she's not a middle aged woman either.

'It’s nothing to do with bio vs step, it’s to do with ages, actions and practicalities.'

Everybody is welcome to their own opinion, of course!

Honestly, think on! You’re massively over invested in a young woman, that is capable of getting home from a holiday alone! DSD, DD or whatever!

I think your approach is pretty bang on, you've tried not to over judge the girl and been understanding but set a boundary and gotten yourselves home safely then supported her getting home.

But you’ve done nothing but give me grief about my opinion?

Even complained when I’ve commented with “oh your back” like it’s ok for you to comment as much as you like, but not others with an opposing view….. why’s that?

probably can’t answer that,ike you can’t answer how you’d have made sure the DSD got on the plane!

But she’s plenty old enough to catch a plane alone! Get pissed and shag any she feels like.

Parent of an 18 yo dd. I don’t think she’d go off like this. However, she doesn’t want to pick up the phone to me if out. She wants texts.

Whilst I agree with not letting him stay, I don’t think the 19 yo would have picked up the phone whilst hungover or on a shag fest. And it sounds as if she was probably asleep when it was time to leave for the airport.

'But you’ve done nothing but give me grief about my opinion?
Even complained when I’ve commented with “oh your back” like it’s ok for you to comment as much as you like, but not others with an opposing view….. why’s that?'

??!! People are welcome to their opinions, and others are welcome to disagree. As much as they like. I welcome discussion.

'probably can’t answer that,ike you can’t answer how you’d have made sure the DSD got on the plane!'

Like groundhog day here. I have responded to you on this more than once.

I’m guessing you have problems maintaining relationships? You cannot accept other opinions, or that you are wrong

😑