Left dsd alone on holiday

[squarecow]

Took DSD(19) and my 4 younger dc away for a week.
This is a place we have been going to for years so we have lots of friends there and know our way around.

Dsd has had a horrible couple of years, significant trauma and anxiety which we are just starting to get over. She hasn’t had her mother in her life for years so I try my best to play that part. She’s a lovely girl, I love her very much and think we have always had a good relationship.

I wanted her to be able to relax and let her hair down with friends on the holiday but I expected her to behave appropriately in front of younger siblings and to spend some time with us aswell.

From the minute we arrived she just wanted to go out and party with friends, fine but she kept randomly turning up throughout the day drunk and being inappropriate in front of dc. On day 3 I had to help shower her in the middle of the night after she’d thrown up all over herself and created a scene by shouting and swearing while my 7 year old cried at the door asking if she was okay.

Following that she seemed to calm down and I thought we had a lovely couple of days. She was obviously embarrassed so I didn’t go on at her or make her feel worse, I just told her we could forget about it.

On our last night she went out again but promised she’d be back by midnight as we were flying home the next morning. She then loudly turned up at 3am with a boy that she does know, I know his parents but I do not know or trust him enough to have him in the house with my small dc. I told him to go home, she chose to go with him and I didn’t try to stop her. I called her in the morning and she didn’t answer so we went home without her.

She is safe and her flight home has been sorted for her. She is upset though and is telling Dh that I hate her, that I’m ashamed of her and that I would have preferred to just go on holiday with my real dc, none of this is true.

Dh is disappointed in her behaviour but has hinted that he feels I could have done or at least he would have done more to be understanding and make her feel loved and included, and also that he wouldn’t have gone home without her.

Was I unreasonable?

This isn’t a case of the evil stepmother, I really do love and care for her. I wanted her to come on the holiday, I wanted to spend time with all of my children (which includes dsd)

But she isn’t my biological daughter, she did up until a couple of years ago have her mother in her life.
Whenever I have tried to ‘mother’ her in the past she has always been quick to argue that I am not her mum. She is 19, I can’t make her do anything. She had stayed with this boy before, I can’t physically stop her if that’s what she wanted to do and she wouldn’t have reacted well to me trying to.

I threw her lots of olive branches on the trip, I gave her lots of forgiveness and understanding. I put up with being sworn at, I showered her, and put her in my bed and then the next morning left my biological children who were upset by her behaviour with a friend so I could spend one on one time with her.

My children are all small, this exact scenario is very unlikely to ever happen again but regardless of biological or step I would always prioritise the four small children over an adult who is making their own choices which they are entitled to make.

You sound a lovely stepmum.
She sounds like she’s struggling, bless her.
It does sound like this should be the last holiday with just you and your younger DC. It must be quite boring for her.

The kids would presumably be asleep in the middle of the night. But yes, if there's a choice between allowing my teenager (step or bio) to leave, drunk with a man so my kids can sleep uninterrupted, or waking them do I can keep her safe, I choose keeping her safe.
And yes, I'd cancel those flights because again the choice is save the money or protect my teen. I choose to protect my teen.

OP, anyone who can read should be able to tell from your OP that you're far from a wicked stepmother. You've already been kind and understanding.

OP I don't think you're an evil step mother. I don't doubt that you care about her. But you asked if yabu and in case, I do think you were. And I do think you'd have acted differently if she was yours. I think you made the wrong call - just because she throws at you that you aren't her mum, it doesn't mean she doesn't need you to act like you are. Leaving her just reinforces her view that you're not her mum iyswim.
I don't dispute that she's been a total pita snd you gave every right to be pissed off, but imo you shouldn't have left her. To all intents and purposes she is yours, certainly on that holiday.

And of course the kids wouldn’t wake up with the drink DD kicking off, they’d have stayed fast asleep 🙄! Dp
you actually believe that? I presume they’re not staying in a four storey house, just a hotel or villa accommodation!

And OP was not doing it because she wanted hey children to sleep interrupted, what an awfuL thimg to say! She was doing it to stop
them being traumatised! Some parents protect their children, some don’t! But the ones protecting are not wrong, the others that minimise it as “interrupted sleep” like they’re getting woken to go on a trip, well they need to look at themselves!

Arguing with a drunk person is not pleasant for the young lookers!

Shameful minimisation of the situation!

I think you did exactly the right thing.
She knew she was leaving the next day.
her father should make her realise that her binge drinking made her make very bad decisions. Things could have gone very badly.
Her poor behaviour caused her to miss the flight. Did she expect 5 others to miss theirs because she was shit faced?

No one should be exposing young children to drunken unruly behaviour and vomiting, or making them miss their flight, because of an adult who couldn't keep themselves in check. Why do the needs of the 19 year old trump the needs of the other 4 younger children? The poor sod who is the OP only has 1 pair of hands.

And, in case you've missed it, I'm not damning the 19 year old. Sure, she's an adult by law, but she's a developing youngster with a past that probably causes her some issues. Plus, 19 year olds without a history do stupid shit. I wasn't one of them (boringly sensible, over here) but I appreciate I was in the minority and it's perfectly normal for youngsters to be wild and reckless at times.

I think OP was in an impossible position but, on balance, the 19 year old had the freedom of choice and autonomy, the children who had not yet attained the age of 18 did not and OP owed them a duty of care.

That was my thinking, too.

I get the impression SD has had more leniency, due to being a SD (and her accompanying past), than a bio DD would have had.

Thank god you’re in the minority!!

💯

Perfectly sensible and reasonable.

As I said, higher up in the thread, I've no idea what else you could have done, without it being too much of a detriment to your younger children.

I think the difference if this was OPs DD is that she'd probably feel able to be a lot more direct about the drunk behaviour. Stepmothers have to walk a fine line here as they're so easily criticised.

You are good and kind, perhaps to a fault? But then I was brought up very strictly and am often surprised by what people on MN are prepared to tolerate from their older teens.

Personally I would have seriously considered sending her home after the first incident. But that was a judgment call; you were there so know how things were afterwards.

At 3am I wouldn’t have been sufficiently alert to think the situation through (who is?) but what I probably would have done was phoned her several times in the morning and sent her a blunt text with the flight information and what time we would be picking her up. I would have packed her stuff and driven past the house and rung the doorbell. I would allow a bit of time for her to scramble into some clothes and say goodbye to her bf. But the text would be quite clear that if she wasn’t willing to come then we wouldn’t be able to wait.

So, giving her a chance to travel home together and recover the situation but not making it particularly comfortable or easy for her.

Suggestions to take her out for a special reassuring chat? Words fail me!

She needs to be the one taking the OP out, apologising and reassuring her that she will never treat her that poorly again!

She is loved & included. You’ve done nothing wrong. She missed the flight & is feeling sorry for herself. You were right to get home.

I've experienced this more leniency with my own step sister when I was a teen. At almost 17 I was basically grounded for coming home late whilst my step mums 12year old had to be dragged out of her mates drunk snogging the face off a 19year old lad but nothing was done after the next day she was allowed round the same friends again to hang around these older lads. But my stepmum and my dad wouldn't budge on my grounding

She’s 19 and living her best hot slut era and even missed a flight because of it. Have a laugh about it when she gets home and I’m sure she’ll get over any grudges.

Totally agree but it's not even just the airfares. Inconveniencing four younger kids, potentially having to book another nights stay or delay the travel time so be hanging around at the airport, additional cost of airport parking etc. It's not ideal to leave one behind but that was the choice she made a d as a PP said there are 19 year old backpacking around the world at that age. DH can criticise but I'd love to know how he actually would have handled that situation if he was alone and dealing with it. Also did he have to work or is it more that he chooses not to go on holiday so OP either has to sort it and go alone, kindly taking her SD along, or miss out? I know that's a bit of a stretch and might be unfair but I know quite a few blokes who are like this.

Best hot slut era...

Cracked me up!

Did he know you were coming home without her or did you just arrive home without her?

Your DSD and DH should be apologising on bended knee for all she put you through while away! Good grief, she sounds a total nightmare! You absolutely did the right thing prioritising your other children. At 19 she should be more than capable of realising if you want to be on the plane you need to get to the airport…

It wouldn't matter if you were the actual saint of stepmothers, there will always be a significant proportion of mumsnetters who would insist you were the devil.

Good grief, you were showering the vomit off this girl, while your own children were distressed. And if you'd risked missing your flight to try to find her, your four kids would have been so stressed. But they don't matter to those posters.

Your SD was old enough to get herself on a later flight. Your young children need you to get them home. And who the heck had the funds to lose money on the booked flights and book six extra last minute flights (so expensive, and difficult to book together) and almost certainly extra accommodation?

You did what anyone with any sense would have done

It sounds like everyone you and DSD know (except your DH) was on holiday with you. Do you all decamp en masse to the same resort?

Anyway, YANBU. She's 19. Did you try to call/text her before you flew home?

Yep. No-one left behind.

Well, that’s what I would have done. I can’t imagine getting home and telling Dh I’d left his son abroad!