Left dsd alone on holiday

[squarecow]

Took DSD(19) and my 4 younger dc away for a week.
This is a place we have been going to for years so we have lots of friends there and know our way around.

Dsd has had a horrible couple of years, significant trauma and anxiety which we are just starting to get over. She hasn’t had her mother in her life for years so I try my best to play that part. She’s a lovely girl, I love her very much and think we have always had a good relationship.

I wanted her to be able to relax and let her hair down with friends on the holiday but I expected her to behave appropriately in front of younger siblings and to spend some time with us aswell.

From the minute we arrived she just wanted to go out and party with friends, fine but she kept randomly turning up throughout the day drunk and being inappropriate in front of dc. On day 3 I had to help shower her in the middle of the night after she’d thrown up all over herself and created a scene by shouting and swearing while my 7 year old cried at the door asking if she was okay.

Following that she seemed to calm down and I thought we had a lovely couple of days. She was obviously embarrassed so I didn’t go on at her or make her feel worse, I just told her we could forget about it.

On our last night she went out again but promised she’d be back by midnight as we were flying home the next morning. She then loudly turned up at 3am with a boy that she does know, I know his parents but I do not know or trust him enough to have him in the house with my small dc. I told him to go home, she chose to go with him and I didn’t try to stop her. I called her in the morning and she didn’t answer so we went home without her.

She is safe and her flight home has been sorted for her. She is upset though and is telling Dh that I hate her, that I’m ashamed of her and that I would have preferred to just go on holiday with my real dc, none of this is true.

Dh is disappointed in her behaviour but has hinted that he feels I could have done or at least he would have done more to be understanding and make her feel loved and included, and also that he wouldn’t have gone home without her.

Was I unreasonable?

Absolutely not, she’s 19 and she has learned the consequences of her actions.

You have loved and cared for her by sorting flights home etc but the whole family can’t miss flights because her feelings might be hurt.

I imagine her lashing out is because she is embarrassed

Teenagers are often dickheads, they (mostly) grow out of it.

Many a time in my teenage years, and probably yours, we drank too much, made terrible decisions, went home with boys we didn’t know to well, threw up, missed events etc. Life lessons.

Don’t get involved in the drama, soon grow up.

I think at 19 you fuck around and find out. Rescheduling flights for you and 4 young children would be much harder than rescheduling for her alone. She was asked to be back, she knew you were travelling the next day and made her choice. If she had been travelling independently no one would be coming to sort things out.

It won’t kill her to realise people won’t wait around if she decides to be irresponsible.

YANBU. She's an adult and could be a parent herself. She can sort herself out. And she owes you for the changed flight obviously. TBH you shouldn't have even sorted that out for her, teach her a proper lesson.

small children are the priority here as they’re not adults, unlike a 19 year old.

Sounds like she has some traumatic feelings to process, could you speak to her about therapy?

Blimey, I was beginning to think your DH wasn't there until you finally mentioned him.

Did he do anything for his 19 year old daughter, or did he just sit back and leave it all to you?

ETA: Sorry I'm confused. Did he not go with you and his 5 kids?

Her behaviour was extremely poor. There’s no defence for that and how are you supposed to winkle her out of wherever the hell she was with 4 younger dc in tow in time for the flight? Why did your Dh not come too? I’m afraid she’d no longer be welcome on holiday with me and probably doesn’t want to do what the younger ones want to, anyway. She’s old enough to go with her mates.

He wasn’t there, he was at home working.

Convenient then that he gets to tell you what he would/wouldn't do from the comfort of his home office, while you deal with 5 of his kids.

What did her father do for her during this time? Or does he have a get out of jail free card? I’d probably have sorted a flight for my similarly aged daughter, she’d be paying all the extra costs incurred though.

Definitely not wrong to go home without her. However, I think I would maybe have a chat one to one with her, and gently explain that your dh mentioned what she said, and that it's not true - tell her how loved she is and that you loved having her with you. That everyone makes mistakes - don't say it's ok to be drunk in front of kids, obviously, but that you still love her. She's obviously hurting, poor girl.

Nope. She’s an adult, albeit a very young adult. I think it’s time she learned that actions have consequences. You aren’t going to be able to mop up all her mistakes, neither is her dad. You’ve also got every right to put your youngest first and prioritise their wellbeing. They must’ve been confused and frightened by their sister’s behaviour.

Lucky him! And you dealing with all that one! He’s not got the right to give you grief when he wasn’t there, on what seems to be a nightmare of a “holiday”, dealing with an abusive drunk!

Is she getting help for her trauma and anxiety?

She behaved appallingly and is suffering the consequences but I wonder if her behaviour could be related to the trauma? And if her making her own way back (don’t blame you at all!) would be triggering for her?

Obviously we don’t need to know what happened to cause her trauma but it may be worth considering (not excusing her behaviour).

You had enough to manage coping with 4 young DC. Plenty of 19 year olds are managing to backpack around the world independently all she had to do was catch a flight, rearranged due to her own actions, by herself. Hopefully when she's had time to reflect she'll realise this.
Your DH should have your back on this

From your account you did nothing wrong. You tired to call her etc when she didn’t arrive back. What was his suggestion to make her feel more included? She’s a bit old to be this irresponsible but she’s obviously got trauma. I think your tactic of not shaming her and also allowing her some freedom to make her own mistakes is good.

I think the only thing I'd change is perhaps telling her very clearly that I did not want her going off with him on the last night. But her choice, her consequences. Not your fault.

Can’t believe the dad is getting blamed here. He was at home working earning money to provide for the family. Only on Mumsnet…

I think too parenting at opposite ends of the spectrum - young adult and small children - is going to be difficult, and your priority is naturally the younger children who need more direct support and care giving. It’s not about love so much as safety and practicality. It sounds like she’s putting herself at risk too and maybe a conversation about your worry for her might help?

At 19 it would've been almost unthinkable to go away with my parents on holiday. I either went with friends or a current boyfriend if I had one. I was making my own travel arrangements with my own money and my parents mostly didn't know anything about it because I was living a separate life as an adult.

The problem is not you but your SD. At 19 she is an adult and she has taken no responsibility for her behaviour.
She got drunk and upset you and her step siblings.
She turned up at your accommodation with a random boy and had a tantrum and stormed off.
She has disrespected you and her step siblings. Her behaviour has frightened them and she has let them down.
She is more crying to her Dad and doing the poor me routine rather than accepting responsibility. The consequences are totally on her. Do not allow her attempts at deflection to succeed. Do they really think that you and the other children should have changed your flight to accommodate her tantrum and bad behaviour? Time for her to grow up.

Dh is disappointed in her behaviour but has hinted [...]

@squarecow is he hinting to you or to DSD?

If to her, that is totally out of order, he is undermining you.

If he is hinting to you, tell him that you need to set aside time to discuss this whole situation properly, because it needs to be out in the open. He needs to tell you exactly what he thinks you have done wrong, and what he would do instead, in detail, including (if he wouldn't have left her) how he would have paid to have flights for the whole family re-arranged.
'Hinting' is cowardly and corrosive. You have to guess what he really means if he is not saying it clearly, and it gives you no chance to respond.

He wasn’t there. Fairly clear from the OP.

All of us need to accept that other people will form opinions on us based on our behaviour. Her mental health struggles aren't a get out of jail free card for this normal human process.

In the long run I wonder whether she should be drinking any alcohol. I honestly think that there are a subset of people that shouldn't drink it at all because they can't do it in any sort of moderation and it ruins things for people around them.

Does the OP work and earn money?
is the OP using her leave to enjoy her “holiday”?
Was the OP the one dealing with a nightmare situation?
Does the OP deserve criticism for dealing with that situation?

I mean really, you’ve assumed that this man is the some bread winner? Even if he is, the OP is contributing a hell of a lot to the family and the OH should be backing her 100% with her decision.