Left dsd alone on holiday

[squarecow]

Took DSD(19) and my 4 younger dc away for a week.
This is a place we have been going to for years so we have lots of friends there and know our way around.

Dsd has had a horrible couple of years, significant trauma and anxiety which we are just starting to get over. She hasn’t had her mother in her life for years so I try my best to play that part. She’s a lovely girl, I love her very much and think we have always had a good relationship.

I wanted her to be able to relax and let her hair down with friends on the holiday but I expected her to behave appropriately in front of younger siblings and to spend some time with us aswell.

From the minute we arrived she just wanted to go out and party with friends, fine but she kept randomly turning up throughout the day drunk and being inappropriate in front of dc. On day 3 I had to help shower her in the middle of the night after she’d thrown up all over herself and created a scene by shouting and swearing while my 7 year old cried at the door asking if she was okay.

Following that she seemed to calm down and I thought we had a lovely couple of days. She was obviously embarrassed so I didn’t go on at her or make her feel worse, I just told her we could forget about it.

On our last night she went out again but promised she’d be back by midnight as we were flying home the next morning. She then loudly turned up at 3am with a boy that she does know, I know his parents but I do not know or trust him enough to have him in the house with my small dc. I told him to go home, she chose to go with him and I didn’t try to stop her. I called her in the morning and she didn’t answer so we went home without her.

She is safe and her flight home has been sorted for her. She is upset though and is telling Dh that I hate her, that I’m ashamed of her and that I would have preferred to just go on holiday with my real dc, none of this is true.

Dh is disappointed in her behaviour but has hinted that he feels I could have done or at least he would have done more to be understanding and make her feel loved and included, and also that he wouldn’t have gone home without her.

Was I unreasonable?

Has she explained what she expected you to do?

What would you have done? Rearranged flights for 2 adults and 4 children instead of 1 adult?
Don't be ridiculous

I’m normally on the side of a step child but you’ve done nothing wrong. However hard things are or have been for her it isn’t okay to be bringing men back drunk when there are young children in the house. And there’s nothing you can do if she doesn’t answer her phone - missing your flight and having nowhere to stay with young children oils have been very irresponsible.

Jeez, OP. Your hubby is signing from the cheap seats here. Make sure you don't take her anywhere without him again.

Lovely!

'Biological or step, makes no difference'. Sadly you are incorrect on this. As we can see on this forum day in day out.

Your DH has got a cheek to moan about how you handled it. He should be deeply grateful you have been able to manage to take 5 kids away, I would take my hat off to you. She’s a plonker but rearranging flights/ accommodation for everyone would be a nightmare.

Natural consequences are just fine at that age. You tried, she ignored you. But also, where is your dh in this parenting scenario?

I hope she recovers from the trauma you describe with support from her dad and you. It sounds like she might still have some way to go.

That's a ridiculous suggestion obviously. I'd have made sure she was on the plane with us.

You totally did the right thing. But when she gets home, level with her. I would say:

’Look you know I love you, I am not having this crap that I wish you weren’t there and would rather be with just my own children. You know that’s bollocks. BUT! I let it go when you threw up every where and I had to shower you. You know Lucy saw you in that state and got upset. But there is no bloody way you’re bringing blokes back for a shag while the younger children are there. C’mon, it’s a family holiday for god sake. I do have standards. You can’t act like a grown-up and then moan when I leave you to get home by yourself. You’re growing up, you’ll fuck up every now and then, and I still fuck up too. Maybe I shouldn’t have left you because your Dad is cross with me now. But let’s move on and just park it now. But don’t ever say I don’t love you. I do.

I think she is probably learning that alcohol and trauma are not a good mix. It sounds like she was on a drunken mission all week. I would have been annoyed with her as it’s a family holiday. Time for some honest conversations and more rules in place in front of young dc.

I would make it a rule if you go on holiday dh is expected to go if she goes if he doesn't then she stays home too. She sounds like a 13 year old not a 19.

HI OPs DH wave I

How?

She wasn’t back, she wasn’t answering her phone?
What would you have done? Taken four young children and dragged them to wherever she was? Not that OP would definitely have know where that was. Told her to come and if she didn’t, like she ignored OP previously? Dragged her? Got one of the younger children to help drag her?

Just how would you have made sure? Read back on how the DSD was behaving the whole holiday.

How?

what was op supposed to do leave the other kids and go looking for a 19 year old-cancel all 6 flights and try and book another one?

your dh is being ridiculous tell him next time he can take them all alone

How exactly.?

I absolutely would if the alternative was paying for 6 additional flights and possibly accommodation - at 19 she’s more than able to catch a flight that I had rebooked for her. She chose not to be back in time for known travel arrangements, if she was travelling independently no one would be fixing it for her.

I also think if someone is mature enough to be allowed to go out drinking that they should be mature enough to cope with managing their travel home.

I would certainly have left her if I had younger DC to deal with. I travelled on my own in Europe at 18. I expect my DC to be able to do so as well.

Her behaviour was very poor and DH needs to have words.

Absolutely. Old tough to go clubbing, old enough to sort a flight out.

She's 19 not 9!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And how would you have done that with four young children in tow ? Cancelling five flights would have been irresponsible and expensive and whether DSD was a bio child or not is irrelevant, the fact that you think it is, frankly says more about you than OP who has stepped up to parenting her in the absence of her own mother. DSD is an adult. She knew the flight times, she ignored OP’s calls and didn’t show up. OP absolutely did the right thing by putting the younger kids first, getting them home and then rearranging DSD’s flight.

Dh has told her that her behaviour was unacceptable and he wouldn’t go against me to her but he does like to be diplomatic.

He isn’t annoyed and hasn’t criticised how I dealt with it just keeps making it clear that we just need to be more sensitive with her and make sure she feels loved and included as well as saying he would have gone round and tried to pick her up before leaving.

Also to be fair to him I haven’t gone into detail about all of her behaviour because I do love her and wanted to save her some embarrassment.

'On our last night she went out again but promised she’d be back by midnight as we were flying home the next morning. She then loudly turned up at 3am with a boy that she does know, I know his parents but I do not know or trust him enough to have him in the house with my small dc. I told him to go home, she chose to go with him and I didn’t try to stop her. I called her in the morning and she didn’t answer so we went home without her.'

Obviously when they left drunk at 3am she wasn't going to get back in time for a flight in the morning (what time was it?) - so I'd have first said (at 3am) she needs to stay he needs to go. If they ignored me (which being drunk and self righteous they might well have done).

Then - OP knew where her SD was, she knows the family, she knows the boy. I understand she didn't want the step daughters boyfriend around her small biological kids over night. So then when she realised SD wasn't back she could've called the boys home - yep woken up other parents up, and told the SD to get back ASAP as we have a flight to catch.

If at that point she didn't come back in time - fair do's.

And I think OP would've done that for her bio kid (obv rhetorical as they are little atm).

OP
you sound absolutely lovely !

This sounds fair enough then. It sounds like DH isn't criticising you, just (as you say) trying to be diplomatic, same as you are. I think you dealt with it fine and wouldn't worry about it further.