Left dsd alone on holiday

[squarecow]

Took DSD(19) and my 4 younger dc away for a week.
This is a place we have been going to for years so we have lots of friends there and know our way around.

Dsd has had a horrible couple of years, significant trauma and anxiety which we are just starting to get over. She hasn’t had her mother in her life for years so I try my best to play that part. She’s a lovely girl, I love her very much and think we have always had a good relationship.

I wanted her to be able to relax and let her hair down with friends on the holiday but I expected her to behave appropriately in front of younger siblings and to spend some time with us aswell.

From the minute we arrived she just wanted to go out and party with friends, fine but she kept randomly turning up throughout the day drunk and being inappropriate in front of dc. On day 3 I had to help shower her in the middle of the night after she’d thrown up all over herself and created a scene by shouting and swearing while my 7 year old cried at the door asking if she was okay.

Following that she seemed to calm down and I thought we had a lovely couple of days. She was obviously embarrassed so I didn’t go on at her or make her feel worse, I just told her we could forget about it.

On our last night she went out again but promised she’d be back by midnight as we were flying home the next morning. She then loudly turned up at 3am with a boy that she does know, I know his parents but I do not know or trust him enough to have him in the house with my small dc. I told him to go home, she chose to go with him and I didn’t try to stop her. I called her in the morning and she didn’t answer so we went home without her.

She is safe and her flight home has been sorted for her. She is upset though and is telling Dh that I hate her, that I’m ashamed of her and that I would have preferred to just go on holiday with my real dc, none of this is true.

Dh is disappointed in her behaviour but has hinted that he feels I could have done or at least he would have done more to be understanding and make her feel loved and included, and also that he wouldn’t have gone home without her.

Was I unreasonable?

Firstly I do not think you’ve done anything wrong. Secondly she is clearly really hurting and that wound of having a mother reject you (her birth mother) is clearly impacting her. It is probably hugely effecting the relationship she feels able to have with you.
I would a) tell her you were so sad to have to leave without her and you are mainly just worried for her.
b) try to persuade her to go to counselling and pay for it (or get dad to if you have separate finances).
c) continue loving her in amongst this emotional mess which isn’t of your making. That’s really tough but will pay dividends in the long term.

You flew off and left her behind?! 😵

Seems perfectly reasonable, seeing op had all the other kids to deal with and SD knew there was a flight hhe following day AND is an adult and not a 13 year old child.

Consequences for actions have played out for SD. She is safe , flights are sorted and SD is being dramatic with the 'She hates me' spiel. Dh is also a div for not standing up for his wife and should be telling his daughter she acted like a clown and at 19 she isnt a daft kid anymore.

You know that you wouldn't have left her if she was your biological daughter. And she knows that too.

If my son had done this at this age I 100% would have left him. Absolutely no doubt. He had most of being an absolute knobhead. He would have been more than capable about sourcing a return flight and paying for it and his dad would have backed me up. I guarantee I would get an apology from hom. Maybe not immediately but once emotions had calmed down.

Can you make me do that? Anymore than you could make the DSD get on the plane? 🤣🤣🤣

Of COURSE not. It's never said out loud. But we see it here all the time. And in real life.

Some step-parents probably do treat their step-kids differently but there’s every indication here, from what we are told, that the OP has had a good relationship with hers. Even now, after appalling behaviour by the sd, she is attempting to protect her from embarrassment about the whole
sorry episode.
I have some antennae waving about the dh’s “we need to be more understanding/sensitive” spiel. That “we” is doing some heavy lifting there, I think, as an attempt to be diplomatic.
What he means is “you.”
Why?

Ha ha hilarious! Sweet..

We were at a family wedding once and left ds behind because he didn't get in till 5am and was still asleep when we had to leave to catch the train home. He was 19. All our equal biological children. If the other 4 of us had missed the train it would have cost a fortune to get home.

I think your dsd is clearly in need of lots of extra support but in the moment you did the right thing. How were tou supposed to go and collect her with 4 other kids? I guess you could have gone in a taxi and gone in to the house while the other kids were in the taxi but that would have been awful and embarrassing for her too.

No win situation really. I think you did fine.

Realistically no one is going to want to drag a load of younger kids around on a mission to rescue someone with a self inflicted hangover.

I'd be explaining everything that happened to your DH, he might then understand why you couldn't bring her home while looking after your younger children.
If she's willing to behave irresponsibly - being pissed in the daytime and swearing in front of her half-siblings, then she needs to holiday with friends of the same age, not little kids.

She should be upset and ashamed of her own behaviour.

I'm assuming this is a second home / holiday home as there's no mention of checking out etc and OP says they're regulars. There's no mention of bags being left or anything.
So is not like she's just abandoned her with nowhere to stay in a place where she knows nobody

At 19 my dad would’ve done the same. It’s not like you stranded her with no flights or took her passport. Some 19 year olds are a year into uni and living independently.. she now knows that her terrible behaviour has consequences.

She isn’t a child anymore! She is a nineteen year old woman! It was her choice to go out drinking, come home late and leave with a boy and miss her flight the next day. I think you’ve actually taught her a very important lesson.

I don't think I would have handled this any differently OP with my own DD.

She needs to understand she is 19 and should be responsible enough to understand what time she needs to be back in order to catch the flight with you. What did she expect you do - rearrange all of your flights? That sounds pricey. She's lucky you could afford a separate flight for her.

I would have a 121 chat with her explaining you love her but she put you in a very difficult situation on the last night of a holiday and also at a very stressful point when your were trying to get everyone ready. She needs to take some accountability for her own actions here.

Your DH needs to know exactly what you had to deal with as DSD’s behaviour was awful. Never mind whatever trauma she’s dealing with - at this rate your younger children are going to be damaged by her scary drunken antics. You need to have a difficult conversation with DH about what happened and how vulnerable DSD is making herself by being completely out of control.

I’d be honest with your DH about exactly what went down on holiday. Don’t spare her blushes, he needs to know. He can only respond / react based on what he is told. He is also her parent and needs the information to parent effectively

I'd rather be working while having the house to myself than having a solo holiday with five kids.

I don't think you were unreasonable.
How does you DH think you didn't make her feel "loved and included"
Your adult DSD behaved irresponsibly by not coming back in the morning to go home as planned.

I think you have acted perfectly. You were lovely to her when she was drunk, looked after her and didn’t make her feel bad about it.

But, if she chooses a random shag and not making it back in time over staying and travel with her family, it has consequences. She was safe and perfectly able to get home by herself.

People will witter on about brain development and a 19 year old isn’t able to make adult decisions. But the alternative explanation, and one I believe in, is that if you can act however you like with no consequences, why wouldn’t you?

I would wager that, next time she is in a similar position, she will make a different choice.

Totally fine imo.

She’s an adult and surely can’t actually think it reasonable to expect you to have to pay out a second time for flights for all of you because she wanted to have a one night stand

You are doing her no favours by not telling her Dad about all of her behaviour. He is defending her without knowing the truth and doesn't know of her behaviour throughout the week. He has been fed a false impression of what happened and is basing his judgement on that. For you it was a cumulative effect of her ongoing behaviour while he is viewing it as an isolated incident and your overreaction.
Of course she should be held accountable. So what if she is embarrassed. She'll get over it. Meanwhile you are covering for her and being dishonest with your husband. Let's hope one of the children doesn't spill the beans.

Where would he have put the other kids whilst he was doing this?

Do tell her father everything.

Not in the spirit of 'you have no idea how awful she was ' but in 'Yes, I understand about sensitivity but it is a balance and I worry when she puts herself at risk - for example, drunk during the day, sick , bringing boy back - and you need to work together to support her to build boundaries for herself and keep herself safe.....And tell him that you couldn't go after her...other kids, upsetting for them, 7 yo was already frightened and upset.... (I presume your other kids are his?)

Yes, she behaved badly, and you should tell her father about that, but I disagree with others on here in the attitude of 'Well she's an adult now'. Yes, she is an adult, but a very very young one, comparatively.

You couldn't have stopped her, technically, but personally, I would have discouraged her. Nothing to do with being a step parent and more to do with looking out for a young woman who's about to go out alone with a male stranger in another country.

We did similar with my BIL (DHs brother so a genetic relative). He got very drunk the night before we left. We tried repeatedly to wake him up (in a different room to us) and in the end made the decision to leave so we didn’t miss our flights. He couldn’t get back for 4 days. 30 years on he still holds it against us 🤣

I notice that it was you cleaning her up in the middle of the night and not her father. You might point that out to him