Left dsd alone on holiday

[squarecow]

Took DSD(19) and my 4 younger dc away for a week.
This is a place we have been going to for years so we have lots of friends there and know our way around.

Dsd has had a horrible couple of years, significant trauma and anxiety which we are just starting to get over. She hasn’t had her mother in her life for years so I try my best to play that part. She’s a lovely girl, I love her very much and think we have always had a good relationship.

I wanted her to be able to relax and let her hair down with friends on the holiday but I expected her to behave appropriately in front of younger siblings and to spend some time with us aswell.

From the minute we arrived she just wanted to go out and party with friends, fine but she kept randomly turning up throughout the day drunk and being inappropriate in front of dc. On day 3 I had to help shower her in the middle of the night after she’d thrown up all over herself and created a scene by shouting and swearing while my 7 year old cried at the door asking if she was okay.

Following that she seemed to calm down and I thought we had a lovely couple of days. She was obviously embarrassed so I didn’t go on at her or make her feel worse, I just told her we could forget about it.

On our last night she went out again but promised she’d be back by midnight as we were flying home the next morning. She then loudly turned up at 3am with a boy that she does know, I know his parents but I do not know or trust him enough to have him in the house with my small dc. I told him to go home, she chose to go with him and I didn’t try to stop her. I called her in the morning and she didn’t answer so we went home without her.

She is safe and her flight home has been sorted for her. She is upset though and is telling Dh that I hate her, that I’m ashamed of her and that I would have preferred to just go on holiday with my real dc, none of this is true.

Dh is disappointed in her behaviour but has hinted that he feels I could have done or at least he would have done more to be understanding and make her feel loved and included, and also that he wouldn’t have gone home without her.

Was I unreasonable?

He could do that by actually going on the holiday or having her home and making a fuss of her. All this "we need to"... appears to be the royal "we" as and I see where he is in this.

He wasn't there, he trusted you with her. He therefore keeps his nose out of how you handled it.

I have a 19 year old daughter and i wouldnt even have helped with the rearranged flight home if she acted like that.

You did everything you could. The only thing i wonder, did you report back to her dad when she was going off the rails on holiday.

For both yours and your DHs sake I’d suggest you ask you DH that he be specific. It’s very easy to say ‘we/you need to be more understanding’ but what it actually does is dismiss the issue. It is a throw away comment which only serves to manage his own discomfort, while failing to address the situation.

Can you ask DH to be specific? He needs to understand the situation and specifically say how he would have managed it differently. The purpose of this is to get him to properly think about the whole situation, for all your kids’ sakes, so you can both be fully in agreement moving forward.

She's an adult and obviously knew she was due to fly home with you. You've done what you thought was the right thing arranging a later flight, so you knew she could get home - that was what you thought was right. At the same time it wouldn't have been unreasonable to leave her to sort it out herself.

If you're likely to go away again with her and all the children, you will obviously need to make it very clear about what's expected and if she can't adhere to that, you'll ask her to leave the accommodation.

How would you get a stroppy, hungover teen to the airport if she wasn't bothered about it ... prob not packed either.

Called the house? On what? A landline? It's 2026!
Just because she knows the young man doesn't mean she has the family contact details

Obviously when they left drunk at 3am she wasn't going to get back in time for a flight in the morning (what time was it?) - so I'd have first said (at 3am) she needs to stay he needs to go. If they ignored me (which being drunk and self righteous they might well have done).

He was told to go the DSD went with him, she wasn’t told to go, she chose to!

then when she realised SD wasn't back she could've called the boys home - yep woken up other parents up, and told the SD to get back ASAP as we have a flight to catch

Assuming she had the house number, which is how likely? Or the parents mobile numbers?

If at that point she didn't come back in time - fair do's.

So why spout the utter nonsense of “I would’ve made sure she got in the plane with us? Because now you’re saying you wouldn’t!

I wonder if there needs to be some discreet honesty with her dad about her behaviour on this holiday.

Given that you took her away on holiday when neither of her parents did he should be very very grateful and this nonsense about “we should” anything would make me feel pretty resentful of his expectations of you.

The parent on the spot makes the decision. He has to back you up. What is HE doing to make this troubled young woman to feel
more secure and stable? It isn’t all on you is it?

Stop beings so literal. OP knows them - she would have a number. Or more than one number who knows. Landline or mobiles.

Do you not think if she had a number she wouldn't have used it when the girl didn't answer?

No you're being illogical. And your responses don't make sense.

I'm sorry that so many people on here can't admit that parents treat step kids (of whatever age) differently. It's a thing and it's very very sad.

Exactly this. Don’t feel bad. You couldn’t have done more.

She needs to get over it and learn from it. The biggest issue here (apart from scaring the little ones) is keeping herself safe. You won’t be there every time she gets smashed and brings a bloke home so she needs to prioritise her own safety.

You'd have thought so - but she never mentioned it did she.

My children are all under 13 so no I wouldn’t have left them but when they are her age I really think I would.

It obviously depends on the situation, if it was just the two of us on holiday then I would have gone and woke up the boys parents and tried to drag her out of his bed and got her dressed but I had 4 small children with me. I honestly don’t think she would have appreciated me turning up and doing that at the time either.

Ultimately you’re agreeing that you would’ve if possible done a couple more things and then left her!

Rather than id have made her get on the plane! You wouldn’t and couldn’t!

Keep digging your comments are here to be seen!

I think most people are saying they would behave the same way regardless of whether stepchildren or biological children.

The main point is that this is an adult who is capable of making her own decisions.

ETA: actually has anyone said they would treat a stepchild differently?

Well neither of her parents took her on holiday at all so OP is already out parenting them. You’re projecting. It happens a lot on any thread about blended families. Having a go at OP isn’t going to make you feel better.

I've seen threads where someone's been treated differently because they were a step and this isn't one of them. The OP had 4 younger children to consider and the price of multiple rearranged flights here.

Oh dear - stand down.

Whatever the merirs or demerits of OP’s decision in the moment the 19 year old is struggling and this is just one stop on a long road.

OP I am sure you know this but she needs therapy and special, trauma focused handling. You did everything right for her as you would for your child and clearly love her. But she is struggling with her traumatic experience, liss of her biological mother, perhaps terror at aging out of your household and loving care.

She drank and partied to excess. It doesn’t matter that this is common for 19 year olds in the UK for her it has a different meaning snd significance. Because it estranged her from you and her younger half siblings. Because it put her at risk of assault while drunk. Because her drinking made her unable to catch the plane. Because your leaving her, while quite appropriate, made clear to her that as a new adult and a step child she would be abandoned and not fought for.

I wouldn’t have left my 19 year old in a foreign country if I didn’t know exactly where she was and that she was safe. Btw.

She's trying to deflect the embarrassment and consequences from herself to you, it's textbook, classic and a real shame but it isn't surprising. Just calm state as such to her and your DH, that you understand she probably feels bad and that it wasn't a good situation,but neither was it a good situation for you and your smaller kids and it was all of her own making so you had to priorotiese the young children and not the adult child in that moment.

If she has the agency and freedom to make those choices, she has the agency and freedom to come home by herself, on a flight paid for and organised by parents.

Exactly. And it wouldn't have happened with a biological kid. People can deny that but hey people will deny all sorts.

Projecting what? I am all ears!!