AIBU to expect my parents to manage one vegan barbecue meal?

[veganbbqdrama]

Surely most people can survive if they have just one vegan meal ???!!!

My parents have decided they don’t think they can attend a bbq at my house due to the fact we are a vegan family and they are worried about ‘nutrition gaps’ !!!

Neither have any health conditions.

It’s one meal and we are offering a wide variety of things plus desserts. I said to then if they don’t fancy it that’s fine but they said it’s because they are worried about the food, and asked could they bring their own (no! ) or would I get them a few bits they can eat (non vegan) to which I said I can’t have it in the house.

Surely they could just come for a drink and eat later at home ? They are making such a fuss ?? It’s not like we are pushing veganism or the ethics behind our choice we weren’t planning on talking about it just having a nice family get together !

I dunno. If they have never done it before and are not usually awkward then why now? From experience the stomach issues with food can both come and go and can also get worse with time. It might be that they hadn't previously realised that stomach problems were just eating the wrong food for them.

Yes, this is true.

And if OP's parents only ate meat and dairy, that would be a valid choice too.

But I strongly suspect that they don't.

It absolutely isn't comparable.

People who are not vegan do eat food that is vegan - I don't know a single person who survives on animal products alone.

Vegans never eat meat, dairy or eggs so it is not the same.

I am not vegan myself, but it is blindingly obvious to me that it's different.

This is "People are being" ridiculous. They can eat vegan food. A vegan cannot eat non vegan food.

Do you not understand the difference?

Feel free to tell me the anatomical differences in a Vegan that means they cannot eat meat?

I have no food restrictions. I would expect to eat a vegan meal at a vegan's house, a kosher meal at a jewish person's house, a halal meal at a muslim's house. Because I can eat all of these things - I wouldn't expect to be served meat and two veg just because that's what I usually eat.

A belief system does not outweigh the freedom of non believers, or those who do not observe a particular dietary practice, to make their own choices.

But all of this completely ignores the fact that when you eat at someone else’s house, they do tend to ‘dictate’ what you eat, because they’re hosting and cooking. When we are invited for dinner at a friend or relative’s house, we eat what we’re given. If they choose to not serve meat, then it is what it is and we don’t eat meat for that meal. Isn’t that normal?

can I come instead?

id love to go to a vegan bbq

We eat some food which happens to be vegan as well.

That doesn't mean we can eat all vegan meals. Vegan meals typically contain things many non-vegans can't eat easily. Fake meats, tofu, mushrooms, pulses - all are things that some people, especially the older ones can't stomach without feeling unwell.

My family like many vegetables, but my DF could eat only the bread and portobello from the OP's menu (burgers with quinoa, salad with tofu, other things with tomato).

I have never been on a vegan thread before so it has been interesting. All the morality stuff makes me think that if some vegan had got lost on a trail and been without food for a week,they would devour a filet mignon or a pork pie like some starving wolf when rescued---if that's all that was on offer.

Also if farmers didn't rear sheep/cows/pigs etc for meat and dairy products, there would be very few of them left. Farmers do not keep livestock simply to watch them eating their heads off. Would a vegan prefer that a dairy cow hadn't lived at all so they can feel morally satisfied about not drinking cow's milk or eating some vintage Cheddar?

I am a meat eater but not opposed to eating non meat and will happily eat a nice vegetarian or vegan meal, I dislike strongly beans peas and pulses, the combination of any of that mixed in any form of a substitute makes me gag, however if vegans come to dinner I will happily place one on the BBQ for them.

But it's not in her house, not in her fridge or on her cooker. It's in her garden FFS and could be on a disposable BBQ that gets thrown away after use.

But you don't make your own choice when you go to someone's house. They're not a restuarant. As long as they provide you with food that you can eat (and i do agree with you that it's a choice - I'm using can here to mean both can and choose to) then there is no issue.

Not sure why they can’t bring sth for themselves, same as a vegan might take sth for themselves to a meat bbq.

People who are not vegan do eat food that is vegan - I don't know a single person who survives on animal products alone.

Really? Veganism is defined by the meat, poultry, fish and animal by-products someone chooses to exclude, not by the vegetables they eat. A meat eater eating a meal containing only vegetables isn't practising veganism any more than a vegetarian eating the same meal is. It's just a meal that also happens to be suitable for vegans.

People are falling over themselves to justify insisting that someone else eats according to their belief system. Nuts.

Hang on. There are people who would expect Jewish friends to cook them pork chops?

How often do you have people over to eat and they sit there eating jam sandwiches and ignoring the food you've prepped because it's good they're fully capable of eating, do indeed eat but they refuse it in this specific context?

I'm afraid the answer to your question is that this has never happened to me!

No you decline, unless it is an offer to eat at someone's house who is happy for you to bring what you would like to eat. If they don't offer, you don't ask.

Respecting choices works both ways,

And you are perfectly entitled to make your choice not to attend, as OP's parents have reasonably done. No one gets to force you to attend, or force you to eat food you don't want to eat.

I'm not vegan but can I come round yours this all sounds lovely.

I have BBQ vegan before to accommodate my MIl and love looking up recipes...did a butternut squash dish and it was lovely

You can decline, unless it is an offer to eat at someone's house who is happy for you to bring what you would like to eat. If they don't offer, you don't ask.
Respecting choices works both ways,

This all sums up why I am not part of any Vegan community of any kind 😂 happy to accommodate peoples choices, which is what veganism is, a choice, not a religion, not a medical emergency allergy, a choice, let's just agree all parties can make a choice without forcing it onto others, parents chose, daughter chose, no issue no one is right or wrong and leave it there.

@grindergirl

“Also if farmers didn't rear sheep/cows/pigs etc for meat and dairy products, there would be very few of them left.”

Yes, and? People always think this is such a ‘gotcha’!

“Would a vegan prefer that a dairy cow hadn't lived at all…”

Yes!

You have explained it perfectly

I love everybody reaching for kosher and halal examples as the obvious examples of dietary practices that it would be unreasonable not to observe. The Food Standards Agency's stats on animal welfare and humane slaughter might not fully endorse that view...

Keep reaching though. Loving the weird and wacky suggestions and hoops people will jump through to insist that one group adopt, without question, the dietary choices of another group.

The OP has said no, which is fair enough. Her house her rules to be respected.

I don't know. Maybe you are right and it's that straightforward.
But I think it could be a bit deeper. I think eating meat allows us to feel superior to other animals. Puts us at the top of the food chain, in control. Gives us power. It's been that way for a long time but by stopping eating animals people, run the risk of disrupting that status quo. Having to confront veganism raises all sorts of questions. We're not a very nice species. We do terrible things. Far easier to close your eyes to it all and chow down on a burger. Please don't think that I think that vegans are superior. I really do not. I know that my diet is far from cruelty free. My existence has a negative impact on the environment. I own a another sentient being (who is waiting for a walk) - how is that right?
I think this is one reason why these threads get so animated. People know that as a species we are a bit shit but they don't know how to be better. Vegans are making a small effort - whether rightly or wrongly - and that runs the risk of making people think and they don't want to. And I don't blame them for that.