AIBU to expect DH to leave contact when I was hospitalised?

[Amioverreactinghmm]

I have been extremely unwell for the past 4 months and have been admitted to hospital for numerous blood transfusions. Im dizzy, sick and faint on a near daily basis, however I received my diagnosis yesterday and a plan is in place for my treatment going forward.

Quick backstory, my dh has a DD aged 15. He only found out about her at 6 yo and since then has fought tooth and nail to be in her life. The courts awarded him 4 hours contact (10-2) on a Saturday and Sunday every week at her aunt's house (mum's sister) as the mum refuses point blank to have any contact with my DH. She didn't want contact, it had to be forced and even then she was held in contempt for refusing a court order.

Anyway on Friday night I was really ill, sickness, temp etc. My DH left on the Saturday morning for his visit and I just got worst throughout the day. At 11.30ish I lost consciousness and my DD (20) panicked and called an ambulance and my DH.

My DH didn't leave, he stayed til his contract time was over and later as well as the sister allowed extra time as his DD was having a water fight with him in the garden so he didn't leave til 4 and didn't get to me in the hospital til the back of 5. I had to have another transfusion.

I feel he should of left when he got the call. He feels he barely gets time with his DD so will soak up every minute he gets. AIBU?

Was your adult daughter with you? If so, I’d have thought you could have waited for him to come.

To be fair, OP, you were being looked after, so what could your partner have done if he had left early? And most hospitals have strict visiting times anyway - they don't want family members hanging around.

I'm sorry you have been so unwell. However, you did say in your OP that you have been ill for months and faint daily, plus your adult DD was with you - I'm not trivialising it, sounds miserable, but this wasn't a one off. If he's had to be very vociferous in his efforts to get contact with his DD, I can see why he doesn't want to miss any or jeopardise it in any way.

Yes, he should have left when he got the call. You lost consciousness and needed an ambulance; these are extenuating circumstances. It's quite shocking that he wasn't concerned enough to do what a husband should have done, OP.

Whilst I take the point that things have been difficult for him regarding contact with his child, it still feels incredibly thoughtless (I would be questioning whether I am actually truly loved, and I'm not saying you aren't), particularly considering you have been so poorly without answers for 4 months. Losing consciousness isn't a sniffle, is it.

I hope you get the treatment you need soon, and it will be a success for you 💐

No my DD is autistic, she couldn't deal with the ambulance and hospital so stayed at home in her room, her safe space so I was alone until my DH arrived.

Im sorry you are poorly it sounds scary and rubbish. But you had adult dd with you, it wasnt life or death and his dd is a child who he is trying to build a relationship with, i can understand why he finished his contact time and while its not ideal, yab a bit u to expect him to have ditched his kid

I would let it go as he was with his dd but make a mental note of this and next time he’s ill, don’t prioritise him over other family in
your life.

Yes that my point of view. If I got a call that my husband has been rushed into hospital I'd drop everything and go to him. He's my husband.

He knows how bad it's been recently. On one occasion my body went into shock and it was touch and go for awhile. Like you said it was extenuating circumstances. Plus he was visiting her the next day.

Its made me doubt how much of a priority I am in his life, does he truly care for me?

I can't believe he actually stayed to play with his DD after he got the call about you losing conciousness and having to be rushed to hospital. Callous and uncaring doesn't come in to it. I'm so sorry OP.
I also have a lot of sympathy for your DD. It must have been terrifying for her.
I'm afraid you now know where you stand in his list of priorities.

You know where you are on the priority list now. I’d be very hurt in your position.

He had to fight “tooth and nail” for contact, which is now court ordered. The mother didn’t want him having contact. If he misses contact for any reason the mother can take him back to court to try and reduce his contact. He understandably doesn’t want that.

He weighed up the options - you were safe and getting medical care. The biggest risk was to his contact arrangements with his daughter, so he protected those.

Out of interest, did you marry him knowing about the daughter or did that come about afterwards?

My adult DD was at home, she's autistic and can't deal with hospitals and wouldn't for a second entertain getting into an ambulance. It is life and death with my health at the moment. That's the point.
He wouldn't be ditching his kid either, she was with her aunt and cousins.

I hope you are getting better OP. But tbf,I see your DH point , he doesn’t see his daughter often therefore it’s fair that he wants to spend every minute he gets. you were being looked after by professionals so apart from being company , there is not much he could have done.

were you in ICU? I don’t know if they would have let him
in? If he was unwell, and dd wanted you, would you prioritise him over her?

Yes that my point of view. If I got a call that my husband has been rushed into hospital I'd drop everything and go to him. He's my husband.

I think that depends on how your DD is, actually. If she was having a meltdown would you really leave her?

What’s the diagnosis?

No after. I unfortunately haven't met her yet, neither has any of his family however we all buy her gifts and hope to be introduced at some point soon.

Cervical cancer

How long has he had contact?!

Given how hard won his time with his daughter is I think you need to show some understanding.

I’m sorry to hear that.

Given that you lost consciousness and had to be transported to the hospital, he should have left immediately. You were having a medical emergency.

He's your next of kin and if you're unconscious and decisions need to be made and consents signed, he should be there, not playing with his daughter. You needed to be the #1 priority then and this could impact your care if he's not there.

Speak to him about the importance of having him present in the hospital when you're having a medical emergency. If he doesn't agree he should be there, can you assign a medical POA to your daughter instead of him?

I’m sorry to hear you’re so unwell, I can appreciate your point of view on this. However, I would give him the benefit of the doubt.

You said in your OP that you are fainting daily, so losing consciousness is not an out of the ordinary event in your life at the moment. I imagine if he had to drop everything every time you felt poorly, he wouldn’t do anything other than care for you at the moment.

He is probably very aware that he needs to keep up with his contact having fought for it. That said, he should have left at the end of his allocated time.

I'm speaking as the spouse here. When there are medical emergencies everyday, it becomes something routine over prolonged time and not emergency, especially if there are medical staff in charge. I realize that sounds very cold and would have thought so until I was living this daily. It's probably a survival mechanism. So yes, I get that he wasn't rushing to meet you in an ambulance for what he probably thought was another dizzy spell.
Wishing you the best health OP

Christ there’s some unfeeling people on here, if you can’t rely on the person you married at a time when you really need help when can you? Op, you must have been scared and felt very alone which is bad enough but to need urgent medical attention and a blood transfusion and not to have any support must have been hard.