AIBU to expect DH to leave contact when I was hospitalised?

[Amioverreactinghmm]

I have been extremely unwell for the past 4 months and have been admitted to hospital for numerous blood transfusions. Im dizzy, sick and faint on a near daily basis, however I received my diagnosis yesterday and a plan is in place for my treatment going forward.

Quick backstory, my dh has a DD aged 15. He only found out about her at 6 yo and since then has fought tooth and nail to be in her life. The courts awarded him 4 hours contact (10-2) on a Saturday and Sunday every week at her aunt's house (mum's sister) as the mum refuses point blank to have any contact with my DH. She didn't want contact, it had to be forced and even then she was held in contempt for refusing a court order.

Anyway on Friday night I was really ill, sickness, temp etc. My DH left on the Saturday morning for his visit and I just got worst throughout the day. At 11.30ish I lost consciousness and my DD (20) panicked and called an ambulance and my DH.

My DH didn't leave, he stayed til his contract time was over and later as well as the sister allowed extra time as his DD was having a water fight with him in the garden so he didn't leave til 4 and didn't get to me in the hospital til the back of 5. I had to have another transfusion.

I feel he should of left when he got the call. He feels he barely gets time with his DD so will soak up every minute he gets. AIBU?

No none of the family have met her. Her mum absolutely refuses to allow any of us to see her. She was found guilty of contempt of court and sentenced to 3m (only served half of it) as she point blank refused to allow contact.
It went from court supervised to family supervised.
My Dh hasn't went back to court as he is petrified that she would stop contact once she received the summons and it took him 2 years in court to get an outcome.

I think he is hoping with her age, things will change in the next year and dsd will have more of a say.

I'm sorry to hear about your illness. However I'm very surprised to hear of a man putting his child before the woman he's with. Usually they put themselves first which includes prioritising the woman he's sleeping with.

Does anyone know who this idiot is?

This is wild! You’re dealing with a very mentally ill mother whilst dealing with the cancer- I’m so sorry. I do have some experience with this and you (he) has to stand up to a bully like that. The girl is now 15 and has every right to meet you if she wishes to, the judge would now take her wishes into account. Seperately though should he have left? Absolutely! Again he may be scared of going back to court but it just wouldn’t happen over an incident like that. He needs to grow a set seriously! Teach his daughter to start thinking more independently and start thinking of his extremely poorly rife because I have a feeling this don’t be the first time you’ll need him to change his contact for you.

This poster is spamming several threads at present. I’ve reported them.

A troll by the sounds of it. Sorry they've hijacked your thread. 💐

Does your Mommy and Daddy know you are using the iternet to harass people?

he should have gone back to court they take into consideration what the child wants around 12ish not what they mother says. they also would have allowed unsupervised contact by now.

he was wrong to just ignore what you were going through if my husband was unconscious in an ambulance id drop everything

I know, funny thing is they split rather amicably. No drama just were young and it they didn't gel and she wanted to concentrate on opening up her own salon. Then after 6 years the aunt reached out and told DH about dsd and now the hatred from the ex towards my dh is awful. Even the judge remarked on her viciousness towards him.

I know, that what I'm worried about too. Am I only going to receive help from surgery/chemo Mon - Fri? What of something happens on a weekend?

I said to him he should of told the aunt, she's lovely and so accommodating, I'm sure she would of understood.

@OneAmpleSloth Think it's way past your bedtime. Sod off, the grown ups are talking.

Yep, this. When my friend's mum was extremely ill her mum would have had her running to her side every time she fainted, had a nose bleed (which was part of the condition) making my friend actually living a life absolutely impossible. So she went when she could, or if a nurse or medical professional told her to, and often would turn up hours later after the event, because there was no way to differentiate actually life threatening from part of the illness and it's impossible to live like that, running every time there is a call.

I know but it took 2 years the first time around. She went through 4 solicitors and he is scared it will take the same amount of time, even half as he knows she'll cut the contract as soon as she gets notice he's taking her back to court.

I know, that was my argument.

Some of these comments are so unfeeling, others outright rude “woman he is sleeping with” is such a dismissive way to refer to you. Needlessly so.

I would seriously consider leaving him over this.

I hope you’re able to make a full recovery op.

Flaking on contact could be used against him in court. It doesn’t really matter if he has an excellent reason for leaving early or missing the appointment.

If he has an extremely adversarial custody situation, he has to be strategic.

Lawyer are you? I can assure you that if your wife who has cancer collapses and is taken to hospital, no judge would use that against him.

well he hasn't even tried like i said they'll take the daughters feelings into account now not her mothers. and he's been consistent in seeing her for years now. going to the hospital wouldn't go against him

It’s not always about what can eventually be successfully be argued in court. It’s about what ammunition and openings you are providing to let the adversarial person withhold visitation or drag you back to court. Just because a judge will almost certainly side with him eventually doesn’t mean the real result isn’t lost time with his child.

Exactly this! Ppl think one missed contact can have him hauled back to court and over the coals. It takes months to get back into court, you don’t just decide to go over one missed contact! A contact missed for an extremely poorly wife might I add! BUT he does need to go back to court. He doesn’t even need a solicitor as his child is old enough to advocate for herself now. Where in the order does it say she’s not to meet you? Does the girl not want to through fear of upsetting her mum? That’s a tough position to be in if so as she’s completely brainwashed! I wouldn’t tolerate any of this well tbh there’s just no way I’d be beholden to some psycho ex for 8 years like that, that girl has missed out on a proper relationship with her dad and his family, it’s just not in her best interests and a court would see that. I’ll reiterate the man needs to grow a set and recognise how poorly you are! The dynamics have changed and he’s going to need to be there for you especially if you go through chemo! Either you now meet the daughter or he accepts that some contact may not go ahead and allow her to haul him back to court. She will be laughed at and he’ll get his court order changed in his favour anyway so win: win x

I’m sorry about your diagnosis. I hope you are treated well and recover fully.

I think what you’re coming up against here is the realisation that no second spouse/partner will come before a child. It’s the normal order of things. The pity for you is that when you met and married this man, you didn’t know he was a father. He didn’t know he was a father! It sounds like building his relationship with his child has been an ordeal and then some. I don’t blame him for having this as his top priority, come what may.

I also don’t blame you at all. You haven’t met the girl yet but seem so well disposed towards her and welcoming of the possibility of a step daughter in your life. Your DH couldn’t ask for more from you. You’ve put up with it all while he went through this saga, and you’ve come out of it eager to meet the child and have her in your life.

TBH, you both sound like decent people, kind people - and this situation with your health just hasn’t settled into his brain yet. You’re living with something terrifying, he is having a water fight in the garden with his child. The disconnect is what’s not stacking up. But it doesn’t need to be a permanent thing, or one you draw permanent conclusions from. You need to talk to each other about how you feel about everything. He mustn’t stonewall you; or rather, if he does, you’d be justified in questioning the entire basis of your relationship. But it doesn’t sound like you’re there yet.

You’ve both got difficult and stressful and sad things going on, his chronic and yours acute. Your priorities need to align, that’s all.

Good luck, OP, with your treatment.

Possibly the saddest thing I’ve ever read, what must your actual life look like 😩😂