AIBU to expect DH to leave contact when I was hospitalised?

[Amioverreactinghmm]

I have been extremely unwell for the past 4 months and have been admitted to hospital for numerous blood transfusions. Im dizzy, sick and faint on a near daily basis, however I received my diagnosis yesterday and a plan is in place for my treatment going forward.

Quick backstory, my dh has a DD aged 15. He only found out about her at 6 yo and since then has fought tooth and nail to be in her life. The courts awarded him 4 hours contact (10-2) on a Saturday and Sunday every week at her aunt's house (mum's sister) as the mum refuses point blank to have any contact with my DH. She didn't want contact, it had to be forced and even then she was held in contempt for refusing a court order.

Anyway on Friday night I was really ill, sickness, temp etc. My DH left on the Saturday morning for his visit and I just got worst throughout the day. At 11.30ish I lost consciousness and my DD (20) panicked and called an ambulance and my DH.

My DH didn't leave, he stayed til his contract time was over and later as well as the sister allowed extra time as his DD was having a water fight with him in the garden so he didn't leave til 4 and didn't get to me in the hospital til the back of 5. I had to have another transfusion.

I feel he should of left when he got the call. He feels he barely gets time with his DD so will soak up every minute he gets. AIBU?

It’s a pretty good assumption if she was found unconscious and unresponsive. I had the same experience some years ago with my DH - blue lighted, ambulance crew worked on him in the ambulance, called ahead and the resus team met us in the ambulance bay. He was taken straight into resus, airways and vitals checked and that’s where he stayed for the next few hours until he was stabilised.

And how did he know any of what ? My DH was unconscious throughout the whole process but he still knew what had happened. That’s as a result of being told what happened by myself and by the staff in A&E when he asked. OP’s DD would have told her what happened at home too I imagine, and what caused her to call an ambulance - she would have been aware of why OP was taken to hospital because the crew would have told her. Odd that you think OP wouldn’t want to know how she wound up in hospital, or that her DH wouldn’t have been aware of the circumstances.

She had fainted - you do not know what happened and what treatment she needed. You are taking your experience and assuming it’s the same for everyone. As discussed when I had my cancer diagnosis, my experience was different to yours.

And you seem to have perhaps misunderstood my question (deliberately I suspect seeing as you’re the one who kept making up she’s been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer). That information could have been found out AFTER. He would not have known that at the time that he chose to stay longer with his daughter.

He knew she was undergoing diagnostics for suspected cancer.

So yeah, him staying with a 15 year old who was fine at her aunt's place when his wife had been transported to the hospital is ridiculous. Staying 2 hours later was him making a very unpleasant statement.

Well, isn't this thread just a delight?

Good luck to you op, with your health and relationship. Hope it all comes good.

Cervical cancer is rarely terminal nowadays. Jesus Christ, what an ignorant comment

https://www.cancerresearchuk.org/about-cancer/cervical-cancer/survival
I have a medical degree and 30 years experience as a doctor. You?

You think OP’s DD rang him panicking and then failed to tell him her mum had been taken to hospital - or that she couldn’t be roused ? I assumed stage four because of the symptoms OP described. Significant blood loss indicating spread - hence the need for blood transfusions. She was also unwell and deteriorating on the morning he went to contact visit, including a temperature. So hardly simple ‘fainting’.

From AI Understanding Cervical Cancer Stages and Bleeding Risk

• Stage I (Early): The cancer is confined strictly to the cervix. It rarely causes heavy bleeding, though light spotting or discharge may occur. [, 3]
• Stage II (Locally Advanced): The cancer has spread beyond the cervix into the upper vagina or surrounding supportive tissues (parametrium). Noticeable abnormal or heavy bleeding typically starts at this stage. [, 2]
• Stage III (Advanced): The cancer extends to the lower third of the vagina or pelvic sidewall, or blocks the ureters. Tumors at this level are fragile, highly vascular, and prone to severe bleeding. [, 4, 5]
• Stage IV (Most Advanced): The cancer has invaded nearby organs like the bladder or rectum, or spread to distant parts of the body. Severe hemorrhaging and systemic impacts like extreme anemia are common risks here. [, 3]

I am sorry about your diagnosis and agree your husband should have been with you.
Ignore some of the troll ignorant posts on here. These fuckwits walk amongst us. Total ignorance.
I wish you well for your treatment.

With respect, this link is a generalisation. It doesn’t reflect the severity of the symptoms OP has described - she is clearly experiencing heavy bleeds needing transfusions. Would that not indicate a degree of spread ? If so her survival would depend on how advanced the cancer is.

Jesus Christ how has this thread descended into speculation about spread or life expectancy. This is highly inappropriate and frankly irrelevant to whether her husband should have left contact.

I feel like this debate started because people are saying OP overreacted since cervical cancer is 'very treatable,' using that to justify DH staying an extra 2 hours with DD. Others are pointing out how minimizing that is—it makes total sense why OP would be scared and upset!

No, posters randomly decided the OP was stage 4 - and posters like @ThreadGuardDog( but not solely her) started shrieking ‘she’s terminal/stage 4 and he’s abandoned her’ like they were auditioning for an extra on Eastenders

No, as PP said it’s because other posters started exaggerating and manipulating the story by saying she’s stage 4 and potentially terminal. They’re the ones who have made this thread worse by adding things to the story to
make the DH look worse.

It’s obvious the daughter can’t cope with stress. Rather than accompanying her unconscious mum to the hospital in the ambulance, she had to retreat to the bedroom. He had one phone call from her and that was it. We don’t know what was said, and whether it was normal for her to panic.

So all he knew was that his wife who fainted many times before had fainted again and this time she didn’t rouse quickly. That’s it. He wouldn’t have known about the alleged blue light, how long it took, etc until after.

And no, you just keeping making stuff up to suit the narrative you’re pushing. We only know what the OP has told us. Stop making things up and talking about things as fact when they are just your own opinion and misunderstanding. Your name is ironic when you’re the one on this thread that is constantly twisting the story.

ThreadGuardDog · Yesterday 22:36
I assumed stage four because of the symptoms OP described. Significant blood loss indicating spread - hence the need for blood transfusions. She was also unwell and deteriorating on the morning he went to contact visit, including a temperature. So hardly simple ‘fainting’.

Based on what I read and posted above about the various stages of cervical cancer, and from what OP described (needing numerous blood transfusions), I can understand why ThreadGuardDog thought the cancer was Stage 4.

Thinking that may be the case isn’t unusual (though since heavy bleeding happens from stage 2, it’s quite a leap to say it can only mean one thing).

Posting about it when OP hasn’t said it’s the case, and potentially scaring her as a result (at a time when she’s most vulnerable right after a diagnosis), is really not ok. Posting about it repeatedly and banging on that she may be terminal and using that as a weapon to bash her husband with is really messed up and not at all appropriate. So yeah, calling herself a thread guard dog when she’s the one stirring on a thread is really very weird.

I agree that stating OP has Stage 4 cervical cancer is cruel. It could be Stage 2. @ThreadGuardDog could have simply said it was serious due to the excessive bleeding requiring blood transfusions.

Things the OP hasn’t said but @ThreadGuardDog has said

• stage 4 diagnosis
• experiencing heavy bleeds

@ThreadGuardDog explained she’d assumed terminal diagnosis based on symptoms OP described - including heavy bleeding. I can’t see that in the OPs posts. OP mentioned transfusion but there could be other reasons for that.

Other ways in which @ThreadGuardDog has twisted the facts to suit her own narrative.

At no point did OP say she was rushed to hospital unconscious - she said it took her longer to rouse than usual. She doesn’t say that happened in hospital. She doesn’t say she was still unconscious when her daughter called her husband. She doesn’t say she was unconscious when paramedics arrived. She said she took longer than normal and her daughter panicked and called an ambulance.

OP doesn’t say she was blue lighted to the hospital (I actually assumed @ThreadGuardDog had taken that from the OP so didn’t question it at first but did question if it was true as I wondered how OP would have known that if she was unconscious the whole time - turns out it’s because OP never actually said that).

OP didn’t say she was taken straight through to resus.

All of the above are more points that they have made up, presumably just to make the situation look worse so that the husband can look bad. The husband made a judgment call that the OP has struggled with - it really doesn’t mean that OP is not a priority for him and it’s really not ok that the thread guard dog is making things up to drive more of a wedge between OP and her husband when they are going through something difficult and not let this one incident get in the way.

Totally agree,he sounds an absolute shit!

Firstly OP, I'm so sorry to hear of your diagnosis and the frightening things that you have been experiencing. It is without question, that your husband should have been by your side immediately, or at least offered to and given you the choice.

Also, I am shocked by the responses you;ve had on here from some unbelievable fucknuggets. Mumsnet has ben invaded by simpletons who like to one-up each other by trivialising everyone else's lives. Please just skim over their responses, you need all the positive energy you can get right now and they're a waste of your precious time and energy.

Tell us about your DH. What is he usually like? Have you ever feared being let down by him i this way before? Have you sensed his daughter taking priority when it shouldn't have been this way? I think that for some parents, having a child can reveal a narcissistic streak...the child taking ultimate priority so they are a hero in their eyes. It's very unhealthy and almost impossible to overcome.

I know it may sound extreme to some but I would be withdrawing from him and asking him to move out for a while to give you some space. I doubt he is going to be any support to you at the most crucial time. Do you have good friends and family around you?

OP did say "I have been admitted to hospital for numerous blood transfusions". Given that she has cervical cancer, it is safe to assume she needed the transfusions because of heavy bleeding.

"OP doesn’t say she was blue lighted to the hospital". @ThreadGuardDog was referring to her own DH when she said "blue lighted" (not the OP).

"It’s a pretty good assumption if she was found unconscious and unresponsive. I had the same experience some years ago with my DH - blue lighted, ambulance crew worked on him in the ambulance, called ahead and the resus team met us in the ambulance bay."

Actually, she said it, repeatedly. The post you’re referring to is her response after I asked her how the husband would know that happened.

Her previous comments on this thread before the one you refer to have included:

“So is the fact that he overstayed on his contact time by two hours after being told his wife had been blue lighted to hospital.”

“OP said that this is the first time they haven't been able to revive her at home, and that was why she was blue lighted to hospital”

“How many other threads have you seen where one partner is prioritising staying with a child from a previous relationship over their partner being blue lighted to hospital having collapsed ?”

“Since when does a fifteen year old who was safe and cared for represent a higher priority than a wife who has been blue lighted to hospital unconscious and unresponsive.”

“OP had fallen into unconsciousness and couldn't be roused. That's why she was blue lighted to hospital. Her DD rang DH to tell him what had happened. So despite knowing that she was on her way to hospital as an emergency, unconscious and unresponsive, he chose to stay with his daughter.”

I’m sure there’s more - I just can’t be bothered to search the entire thread. But where did the OP say any of that? All OP said is that she lost consciousness and her daughter panicked. She said she didn’t come around as usual and it was the first time she was taken by ambulance, but no where else does she say she was taken to hospital unconscious and unresponsive. Yet the @ThreadGuardDog has taken that and turned it into something else altogether.

My interpretation of what happened is that OP fainted, as she had many times before, her daughter panicked and didn’t know what to do and called an ambulance. It could be she was indeed unresponsive and blue lighted to the hospital, but we don’t know that. I simply don’t know if she was back to when the ambulance arrived or if they’re the ones who woke her up. But a reasonable poster will accept that we don’t know all the facts. What they don’t do is make stuff up to fill the gaps and present it as fact to make the husband look worse. And then what happens is other posters will read those lies, assume it’s from the OP and it will skew their view of what happened.