Page 6 | AIBU to expect DH to leave contact when I was hospitalised?

Amioverreactinghmm · 2026-08-11T21:24:54+00:00

I have been extremely unwell for the past 4 months and have been admitted to hospital for numerous blood transfusions. Im dizzy, sick and faint on a near daily basis, however I received my diagnosis yesterday and a plan is in place for my treatment going forward. Quick backstory, my dh has a DD aged 15. He only found out about her at 6 yo and since then has fought tooth and nail to be in her life. The courts awarded him 4 hours contact (10-2) on a Saturday and Sunday every week at her aunt's house (mum's sister) as the mum refuses point blank to have any contact with my DH. She didn't want contact, it had to be forced and even then she was held in contempt for refusing a court order. Anyway on Friday night I was really ill, sickness, temp etc. My DH left on the Saturday morning for his visit and I just got worst throughout the day. At 11.30ish I lost consciousness and my DD (20) panicked and called an ambulance and my DH. My DH didn't leave, he stayed til his contract time was over and later as well as the sister allowed extra time as his DD was having a water fight with him in the garden so he didn't leave til 4 and didn't get to me in the hospital til the back of 5. I had to have another transfusion. I feel he should of left when he got the call. He feels he barely gets time with his DD so will soak up every minute he gets. AIBU?

AlinaRawlings · 12/08/2026 00:36

canklesmctacotits · 12/08/2026 00:34

I’m sorry about your diagnosis. I hope you are treated well and recover fully.

I think what you’re coming up against here is the realisation that no second spouse/partner will come before a child. It’s the normal order of things. The pity for you is that when you met and married this man, you didn’t know he was a father. He didn’t know he was a father! It sounds like building his relationship with his child has been an ordeal and then some. I don’t blame him for having this as his top priority, come what may.

I also don’t blame you at all. You haven’t met the girl yet but seem so well disposed towards her and welcoming of the possibility of a step daughter in your life. Your DH couldn’t ask for more from you. You’ve put up with it all while he went through this saga, and you’ve come out of it eager to meet the child and have her in your life.

TBH, you both sound like decent people, kind people - and this situation with your health just hasn’t settled into his brain yet. You’re living with something terrifying, he is having a water fight in the garden with his child. The disconnect is what’s not stacking up. But it doesn’t need to be a permanent thing, or one you draw permanent conclusions from. You need to talk to each other about how you feel about everything. He mustn’t stonewall you; or rather, if he does, you’d be justified in questioning the entire basis of your relationship. But it doesn’t sound like you’re there yet.

You’ve both got difficult and stressful and sad things going on, his chronic and yours acute. Your priorities need to align, that’s all.

Good luck, OP, with your treatment.

What a lovely response, can you be my therapist 🤣❤️

user1492757084 · 12/08/2026 00:40

You were in a safe place, as he knew you were in ambulance on way to hospital.
I think your DH did the right thing.
Sorry for your diagnosis being bad.

The equally important thing that you have to sort is how is your own DD going to cope while you are in hospital for many days?
Does she have a supportive network?

Original poster

Amioverreactinghmm · 12/08/2026 00:40

canklesmctacotits · 12/08/2026 00:34

I’m sorry about your diagnosis. I hope you are treated well and recover fully.

I think what you’re coming up against here is the realisation that no second spouse/partner will come before a child. It’s the normal order of things. The pity for you is that when you met and married this man, you didn’t know he was a father. He didn’t know he was a father! It sounds like building his relationship with his child has been an ordeal and then some. I don’t blame him for having this as his top priority, come what may.

I also don’t blame you at all. You haven’t met the girl yet but seem so well disposed towards her and welcoming of the possibility of a step daughter in your life. Your DH couldn’t ask for more from you. You’ve put up with it all while he went through this saga, and you’ve come out of it eager to meet the child and have her in your life.

TBH, you both sound like decent people, kind people - and this situation with your health just hasn’t settled into his brain yet. You’re living with something terrifying, he is having a water fight in the garden with his child. The disconnect is what’s not stacking up. But it doesn’t need to be a permanent thing, or one you draw permanent conclusions from. You need to talk to each other about how you feel about everything. He mustn’t stonewall you; or rather, if he does, you’d be justified in questioning the entire basis of your relationship. But it doesn’t sound like you’re there yet.

You’ve both got difficult and stressful and sad things going on, his chronic and yours acute. Your priorities need to align, that’s all.

Good luck, OP, with your treatment.

Thank you. I have read your post over and over and I know your right. Everything is very hightend around here at the moment. Your words ring truth.

OP posts:

OneAmpleSloth · 12/08/2026 00:41

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AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 12/08/2026 00:41

AlinaRawlings · 12/08/2026 00:35

Possibly the saddest thing I’ve ever read, what must your actual life look like 😩😂

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I know, right? Imagine having absolutely no life, no friends, no social connections, no one who cares or loves you even a little bit, so you become an internet troll?
It has to be an incel, living in a small little room with only Red Bull and Hot Pockets to bring any joy to its life.
So pathetic and yet, so typical for these types of people.

ScarlettSarah · 12/08/2026 00:43

He's utterly vile to have done that. Unfortunately on mumsnet there's a real tendency to kick step parents, hence so many people defending his actions.

The whole situation is weird - I have a 15yo and frankly the notion of the mother being able to ban this girl from seeing her dad is odd, at this age. Surely she can make her own choices, even go out and see her dad autonomously.

I'm so sorry to hear of your illness, OP, and wishing you all the best with your treatment. It is unfathomable that your husband decided to continue a water fight rather than support you in hospital.

Springisintheairohyeah · 12/08/2026 00:45

I'm absolutely flabbergasted at some of the responses to this post. You have advanced cancer. You were having a medical emergency. Of course your bloody husband should drop everything to be at the hospital. Anything could have happened which required his input, and you also just need support in that situation. I speak as someone who has nursed a close family member with a cancer, and no, it does not just get to the point where it becomes routine - it's a scary experience and you'd want your husband there to help you through it! Christ, the people saying "you were in a safe space, you can cope on your own etc." sound like they've genuinely never been through something like this! You want support. From a loved one. Hospitals, whilst physically caring for you, still do not necessarily feel "safe" if you're the one who's slipping in and out of consciousness whilst battling a potentially terminal illness!

If he's been seeing his daughter for 9 years, a bit of time off one weekend, with extremely serious extenuating circumstances, should not make a difference

AlinaRawlings · 12/08/2026 00:47

ScarlettSarah · 12/08/2026 00:43

He's utterly vile to have done that. Unfortunately on mumsnet there's a real tendency to kick step parents, hence so many people defending his actions.

The whole situation is weird - I have a 15yo and frankly the notion of the mother being able to ban this girl from seeing her dad is odd, at this age. Surely she can make her own choices, even go out and see her dad autonomously.

I'm so sorry to hear of your illness, OP, and wishing you all the best with your treatment. It is unfathomable that your husband decided to continue a water fight rather than support you in hospital.

This is what I’m not understanding. That girl could literally land on her dad’s doorstep saying I’m moving in with you and there’s not a single thing her mother could do about it! No police would remove her and as long as she’s saying that’s what she wants and there’s no welfare concern then no court would remove her! She’s being treated like a young child when in reality she can do as she pleases (as long as she’s safe obviously).

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 12/08/2026 00:52

Lilypad34 · 11/08/2026 22:52

Christ there’s some unfeeling people on here, if you can’t rely on the person you married at a time when you really need help when can you? Op, you must have been scared and felt very alone which is bad enough but to need urgent medical attention and a blood transfusion and not to have any support must have been hard.

Yes. You got that right. Quite nasty in fact.

Delilah26 · 12/08/2026 00:53

Amioverreactinghmm · 12/08/2026 00:20

Lawyer are you? I can assure you that if your wife who has cancer collapses and is taken to hospital, no judge would use that against him.

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Lawyer are you? You can make no such assurance.

nocoolnamesleft · 12/08/2026 00:56

Delilah26 · 12/08/2026 00:53

Lawyer are you? You can make no such assurance.

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Also, the OP referenced that last time it went through the courts, the ex withheld contact for two years whilst it dragged on. It seems likely she'd do that again,

Original poster

Amioverreactinghmm · 12/08/2026 00:56

Delilah26 · 12/08/2026 00:53

Lawyer are you? You can make no such assurance.

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A High Court clerk so yes I can.
That's when I'm at work, off at the moment. Can't be collapsing on the bench.

OP posts:

Original poster

Amioverreactinghmm · 12/08/2026 00:59

Springisintheairohyeah · 12/08/2026 00:45

I'm absolutely flabbergasted at some of the responses to this post. You have advanced cancer. You were having a medical emergency. Of course your bloody husband should drop everything to be at the hospital. Anything could have happened which required his input, and you also just need support in that situation. I speak as someone who has nursed a close family member with a cancer, and no, it does not just get to the point where it becomes routine - it's a scary experience and you'd want your husband there to help you through it! Christ, the people saying "you were in a safe space, you can cope on your own etc." sound like they've genuinely never been through something like this! You want support. From a loved one. Hospitals, whilst physically caring for you, still do not necessarily feel "safe" if you're the one who's slipping in and out of consciousness whilst battling a potentially terminal illness!

If he's been seeing his daughter for 9 years, a bit of time off one weekend, with extremely serious extenuating circumstances, should not make a difference

Edited

Thank you. Some of these responses are wild but I doubt in real life if it was them lying in hospital with cancer in and out of consciousness they'd be okay with their DH playing water fights instead of being by their side. It's easier to judge when it's not your own life.

OP posts:

SquirrelGG · 12/08/2026 01:06

Amioverreactinghmm · 11/08/2026 22:56

I know. What happened to in sickness and in health? Do people really think this way?
Would they honestly be okay being in hospital alone, having a blood transfusion, doctors running all kinds of tests and your husband is nowhere to be seen?

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I would be okay in that situation. You were in hospital, tests were being run, you were getting a transfusion, your DH can't help with any of that. In my family we don't decamp to the hospital every time someone is a patient, we trust the medical team to do the tests and the looking after. You knew he would turn up eventually, so yes, I do think YABU especially as you have been ill for so long it probably seemed just another day as usual to him.

Delilah26 · 12/08/2026 01:06

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I'd say it's an 18 year old boy, no friends, no girlfriend, just desperate, bored and possibly on anti psychotics. I do feel sorry for him tbh.

Original poster

Amioverreactinghmm · 12/08/2026 01:11

SquirrelGG · 12/08/2026 01:06

I would be okay in that situation. You were in hospital, tests were being run, you were getting a transfusion, your DH can't help with any of that. In my family we don't decamp to the hospital every time someone is a patient, we trust the medical team to do the tests and the looking after. You knew he would turn up eventually, so yes, I do think YABU especially as you have been ill for so long it probably seemed just another day as usual to him.

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I was in and out of consciousness, I have cancer. I wasn't expecting my family to camp out at the hospital, I was expecting my husband to be by myside instead of having a water fight.

OP posts:

PrincessFiorimonde · 12/08/2026 01:16

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But what's the point?

Original poster

Amioverreactinghmm · 12/08/2026 01:19

I'm away to come off this post, with the troll and some of the responses leaving me speechless.

I really hope those who said I was being unreasonable by expecting my husband to come to my aid whilst being rushed to hospital, in and out of consciousness, requiring a blood transfusion and dealing with a cancer diagnosis instead of playing water fights don't ever have to go through anything like this.
I am strong, independent woman, however I assumed I could rely and lean on my husband during the most distressing and upsetting moments of my life. Evidently not.

God I hope I don't die on a Saturday or Sunday. Nothing will get sorted. (Joke - ISH) Lol.
Night all

OP posts:

Sensiblesal · 12/08/2026 01:20

outerspacepotato · 11/08/2026 23:40

How is she supposed to look after herself when she's unconscious?

His daughter was fine. His unconscious wife who has cancer was transported to the hospital by ambulance.

And some of you really think it was cool for him to stay away and for even longer than usual?

Just because OP has fainted before doesn't mean this time, when she wasn't rousable, thatjust could have been caused by something different that needed treatment. Cancer treatment can have some pretty devastating side effects and you have to be ready for anything anytime.

If he's burnt out, they need to discuss that. But she needs reliable support and he just showed he's not that.

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But they didn’t know at the time she had cancer?

OO said contact was on Sat/Sunday and diagnosis was received today/yesterday, neither of those days being prior to the ambulance being called.

the ambulance was likely senr because DH was not there to take her to hosp & DD has her own health issues rather than an urgent Blue light need. So actually DH was probably right to stay with the contact.

as an aside the whole contact situation sounds bizarre.

sorry you are not well OP, I think you and DH need to agree to disagree and focus on your treatment/recovery & moving forward.

DivaEx · 12/08/2026 01:21

Really shocked at so many are siding with the husband and how heartless some comments are.

OP i hope you recover soon and kick cancer's arse.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 12/08/2026 01:24

Amioverreactinghmm · 12/08/2026 01:19

I'm away to come off this post, with the troll and some of the responses leaving me speechless.

I really hope those who said I was being unreasonable by expecting my husband to come to my aid whilst being rushed to hospital, in and out of consciousness, requiring a blood transfusion and dealing with a cancer diagnosis instead of playing water fights don't ever have to go through anything like this.
I am strong, independent woman, however I assumed I could rely and lean on my husband during the most distressing and upsetting moments of my life. Evidently not.

God I hope I don't die on a Saturday or Sunday. Nothing will get sorted. (Joke - ISH) Lol.
Night all

Sorry that you've been so unwell OP. I don't blame you for leaving the thread. YANBU. He should have been there. Wishing you all the best

PrincessFiorimonde · 12/08/2026 01:24

OP, I 'm really sorry to read this and send you all best wishes

Catpuss66 · 12/08/2026 01:24

Cancer services usually have counselling service that might be helpful. Some men & women cannot cope with real life & spouses who are ill & try & distance themselves. They don’t see the hurt they cause they only see their pain. Might be worth involving family & close friends as a backup plan. Sending hugs. X

SquirrelGG · 12/08/2026 01:35

Amioverreactinghmm · 12/08/2026 01:11

I was in and out of consciousness, I have cancer. I wasn't expecting my family to camp out at the hospital, I was expecting my husband to be by myside instead of having a water fight.

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He was by your side, just not immediately. I am sorry you have been so ill but I still think YABU. You weren't dying, you were being looked after. Also as I understand from your posts you hadn't actually been diagnosed at the time.

Delilah26 · 12/08/2026 01:38

Amioverreactinghmm · 12/08/2026 00:56

A High Court clerk so yes I can.
That's when I'm at work, off at the moment. Can't be collapsing on the bench.

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So, not a practising lawyer, and not a judge but feel you can make choices for your boyfriend who is terrified of losing his legal rights to his daughter who he fought hard for.

Cancer is horrible, dying is horrible, terminal illnesses are horrible, long term illnesses where you fight for life are horrible. Everyone eventually endures something similar, or nearly everyone.

Life goes on for those around you who do their very best to care for you while trying to actually live their own lives. Nobody can be on call 24/7 and anyone claiming otherwise has never tried it.

He was with his daughter, not pissing around. Going on and on about the water fight shows you consider him spending time with his daughter to be irrelevant and less important than your own concerns.

Well, not to him it's not.

Sick people are selfish people, that's natural. But, and I know you will consider this cruel, but it's not, it's just true - life goes on for other people and they have things they consider just as important.

You need to let it go, or you will only cut off your own nose to spite your own face.