AIBU to expect DH to leave contact when I was hospitalised?

[Amioverreactinghmm]

I have been extremely unwell for the past 4 months and have been admitted to hospital for numerous blood transfusions. Im dizzy, sick and faint on a near daily basis, however I received my diagnosis yesterday and a plan is in place for my treatment going forward.

Quick backstory, my dh has a DD aged 15. He only found out about her at 6 yo and since then has fought tooth and nail to be in her life. The courts awarded him 4 hours contact (10-2) on a Saturday and Sunday every week at her aunt's house (mum's sister) as the mum refuses point blank to have any contact with my DH. She didn't want contact, it had to be forced and even then she was held in contempt for refusing a court order.

Anyway on Friday night I was really ill, sickness, temp etc. My DH left on the Saturday morning for his visit and I just got worst throughout the day. At 11.30ish I lost consciousness and my DD (20) panicked and called an ambulance and my DH.

My DH didn't leave, he stayed til his contract time was over and later as well as the sister allowed extra time as his DD was having a water fight with him in the garden so he didn't leave til 4 and didn't get to me in the hospital til the back of 5. I had to have another transfusion.

I feel he should of left when he got the call. He feels he barely gets time with his DD so will soak up every minute he gets. AIBU?

Such a split in opinions.

Couple of answers, would I leave my DD if she was having an episode and my husband was taken away in an ambulance with a serious, life threatening conditions. yes. Id call my mum/sister/aunt. Anyone to sit with her until I knew he was okay and stable.
I would never be able to forgive myself if he died alone in hospital.
I would of thought that's the norm in marriages.

Completely agree.

I am sorry for the position you are in. But if you are fainting daily, I can see why he would not dash away from hard won and precious scarce contact time for what may well have sounded like just another similar episode. I really hope that now you have a diagnosis, treatment options can improve.

If the dd is now 15 surely she has more say in contact and it no longer needs to be at the aunts for these gimes? When was he last in court?

I know. What happened to in sickness and in health? Do people really think this way?
Would they honestly be okay being in hospital alone, having a blood transfusion, doctors running all kinds of tests and your husband is nowhere to be seen?

I think it depends. When was he granted contact? If it was very recently then I could see why he wouldn’t want to jeopardise that. Also, you were in hospital so there’s not much he could have done. If you’ve had the same thing happen a few times then he probably thought you would be fine as you have been before. Are you sure you’re not just wanting him to choose between you? You sound a little bitter about the whole thing. I’m sorry about your diagnosis OP and I hope there’s treatment available for you. I don’t think I would have asked him to come tbh, I would have likely understood that he would be there after the visit as he only gets 4 hours a week.

Not that close if you look at the votes and not just the comments.

How long did the ambulance take? How long were you unconscious for? Was it a faint but your daughter panicked? Or worse/different?

I also think if you were deteriorating and the symptoms follow a pattern then perhaps earlier intervention would have helped? Has the management of the condition up to this point been to just wait until it becomes a crisis before you get help? (I know the NHS is struggling atm so I'm not blaming you, this is a genuine question, btw)

I think YANBU and he should have gone to the hospital, but I also think the situation was avoidable.

Yes because life goes on, yes we help each other out but I am not a child I can cope on my own

He didn't find out about her til she was 6. Went to court for 2 years before contact started.
He's seen a change in the past year, she was never allowed his phone number, mum didn't allow it but now she has it and they text and call a lot. I can see contact changing soon as what 15.16.17 yo is going to want to go to her aunt's every weekend. I hope it changes for the better.

Bluntly, imagine if you only got four, non-transferable hours a week with your DD, and how you would prize them.

How clearly did your DD communicate the risk?

I’m on the fence about this - broadly, I think you are right, but I suppose there’s a universe in which he didn’t fully comprehend the seriousness of the issue because of the history. Are you sure DD was clear?

Parents will prioritise their children.

Quick backstory, my dh has a DD aged 15. He only found out about her at 6 yo and since then has fought tooth and nail to be in her life. The courts awarded him 4 hours contact (10-2) on a Saturday and Sunday every week at her aunt's house (mum's sister) as the mum refuses point blank to have any contact

I’m trying to understand, the child was 6 years old so he’s been in her life for 9 years and contact hasn’t moved from these times for 9 years? Surely at 15 and after 9 years they don’t need supervised contact?

I unfortunately haven't met her yet, neither has any of his family however we all buy her gifts and hope to be introduced at some point soon.

Why haven’t met her if he’s been in her life for 9 years?

I don’t like to reply properly on these boards until I’m sure of the situation I’m replying to.

Well my DH was away when I had emergency surgery. I told him not to leave early because I was being looked after in hospital and I’d need him more once discharged. You only waited a few hours and were in hospital. His time with his DD is limited.

Are you absolutely sure your DH is telling you the truth about where he was OP? A court ordering supervised contact time over a weekend for a 15 year old sounds extremely unusual.

At the age, most 15 year olds want to be hanging out with their friends on a weekend, not spending the best part of every single weekend at their aunts' house with their father?
I also can't think of many 15 year old girls who would want to take part in a water fight with their dad, and her aunt 'allowing him more time' rings a bit hollow, surely at that age, she could decide for herself whether she wants to see her father and how much time she wants to spend with him!

I'm so sorry to hear about your diagnosis, @Amioverreactinghmm .

I have to be honest, I think this would be a deal breaker for me. I wouldn't get over that but my DH would NEVER prioritise anything else over rushing to my side if I had been that ill and was then taken off in an ambulance. It literally wouldn't happen.

The whole set up with his kid sounds weird anyway, tbh. He's had contact for years and you've never met her? Regardless, at 15 she's old enough to understand an emergency and at this age, they would take her wants into consideration.

But none of that should be your focus right now. You need people around you who really, truly care. If that's not him, off he fucks. I'm serious.

So sorry to read this, OP. Your DH could’ve left early to come see you, as you were on your own.
Wishing you all the best 💐

He hasn't abandoned you in your sickness, I presume he came to the hospital after the contact?
The people saying they would rush to the hospital regardless have not been through this. I'm sure if this happened randomly he would have immediately come to you, but as it has been a daily occurrence for months he did not seem it life or death. Has he been good in supporting you over the last month's OP?

I can cope on my own. But being married means you have someone to show up and help with the difficult stuff like being taken to hospital in an ambulance. He let you down OP, I'm sorry. Has he apologised?

you were in hospital so there’s not much he could have done.

So many people are saying this. And it's bullshit.

OP was unconscious. Her husband needed to be there as he is Next of Kin in case she needed more invasive treatment or surgical management to sign consent forms that she might not have been able to. He could update the docs on her new diagnosis and treatment plan. He could advocate for her, as she was clearly unable to do.

If he is unwilling to act on her behalf when she's having a medical emergency to spend time with his daughter, she needs someone reliable who can.

Shitty response. My life may not go on.

I'm 44 and was wanting my husband in the hospital with me during a medical crisis. God forbid.

The people saying they would rush to the hospital regardless have not been through this

Wrong. Guess again.

It had not been an everyday occurrence that OP was admitted to hospital as an emergency either. And her husband had been told that.

Thank you. No unfortunately not. We're at a stalemate ATM. Neither is seeing each others point of view which is rather upsetting. I just got my diagnosis and we're still not talking. I feel like my foundation has been rocked.

Spending time with dc is obviously very important but leaving your unconscious wife in hospital by themselves following a cancer diagnosis so you can have a balloon water fight with your dc seems very wrong.
Are you sure he understood what was happening? If he did I would struggle to forgive that and would expect no reliable support from him moving forward.