AIBU to expect DH to leave contact when I was hospitalised?

[Amioverreactinghmm]

I have been extremely unwell for the past 4 months and have been admitted to hospital for numerous blood transfusions. Im dizzy, sick and faint on a near daily basis, however I received my diagnosis yesterday and a plan is in place for my treatment going forward.

Quick backstory, my dh has a DD aged 15. He only found out about her at 6 yo and since then has fought tooth and nail to be in her life. The courts awarded him 4 hours contact (10-2) on a Saturday and Sunday every week at her aunt's house (mum's sister) as the mum refuses point blank to have any contact with my DH. She didn't want contact, it had to be forced and even then she was held in contempt for refusing a court order.

Anyway on Friday night I was really ill, sickness, temp etc. My DH left on the Saturday morning for his visit and I just got worst throughout the day. At 11.30ish I lost consciousness and my DD (20) panicked and called an ambulance and my DH.

My DH didn't leave, he stayed til his contract time was over and later as well as the sister allowed extra time as his DD was having a water fight with him in the garden so he didn't leave til 4 and didn't get to me in the hospital til the back of 5. I had to have another transfusion.

I feel he should of left when he got the call. He feels he barely gets time with his DD so will soak up every minute he gets. AIBU?

That’s how I see it admittedly. When it’s a regular occurrence, it becomes more of something that is just another episode rather than something that is seen as a genuine emergency. It has to be a lot worse than usual or something completely different for it to be looked at differently.

And it’s really not about not caring, you just become desensitised to it in a way.

I’m sorry you are going through a lot - but I am extremely suspicious of what your husband has been telling you.

He's a selfish fucker, @Amioverreactinghmm

Even after a cancer diagnosis, he's not talking to you?

Let him go and live with his ex SIL and have his weird relationship with his secret child. I am fuming on your behalf!

What do you mean?

Regardless of what happened and who is right or wrong, I can't believe hes now not being supportive given your cancer diagnosis. I'm sorry.

The first responders assessed her, loaded her up, and took her in to the hospital. She hasn't been being carted off to the hospital on a daily basis.

I have been through this. I went with my husband to his chemo appointment and an hour later he was in the OR.

He failed her badly here. Now she knows she can't rely on him in a real emergency. And that sucks.

It was the first time I need an ambulance called as I didn't come around as usual. Before when I lost consciousness I would come around eventually and be taken to hospital and admitted. This was the first time it was by ambulance so it wasn't a regular occurrence.

He needs to go back to court. She is 15. She has a say. It has been 9 years.

People can react weirdly in times of stress. Your husband not rushing to be with you is deeply hurtful under the circumstances, but maybe he sort of blocked it all out through fear of losing both you and his dd? In his mind he might have focused on dd as a distraction. Or maybe he genuinely thought that you'd be fine as you'd already been ill for 4 months. People aren't always rational or logical and it doesn't necessarily mean something as black and white as he doesn't care, although I totally understand how it could seem that way.

I haven't read all the posts which is unlike me but in answer to your OP you need to understand on here you are always going to be at the bottom of the heap when it comes to step children. Your place is to worship at their high altar put up with all the crap that may come your way without a murmur. Your husband is a tosser.

I speak from experience, ambulances come out for non emergencies and even "blue light" people to hospital in non emergency situations. It can really depend on the 999 call. OP said she lost consciousness, her dd might have panicked. The point being that OP didn't suddenly fall ill and was rushed to hospital. Her DH has witnessed daily faintings according to OP and she's had multiple blood transfusions. It's quite incredible how you become quite unreactive to these things over a prolonged period.

How awful for you @Amioverreactinghmm
I'm so sorry.

You haven't met her in 9 years?

I would just prefer to be in the care of doctors. In hospital by myself. No other people until it’s time for them to visit. That is just me though. You feel differently & wanted your DH.

OP, being unconscious with a DD who although an adult couldn't cope with going to the hospital with her, needed someone there with her to advocate for her. I don't understand why people are being so obtuse about this!

But equally that’s his daughter? You are capable of looking after yourself and the staff were also. I wouldn’t begrudge him after all he has been through to maintain contact with his child

I too have needed numerous blood transfusions, not to mention plasma transfusions, so I get it - but I'm team husband on this. Provided he came after his contact session.

My partner's mum once asked me to travel 400 miles and rush up to the north from London when I was in the middle of an eye test (my eyes are terrible and my tests aren't standard) as he was having a flare up of his autoimmune condition, but it just made no sense. I finished the eye test, and came up a bit later.

Dropping everything, leaving the child, etc. is a little melodramatic. Apologies if I've misunderstood the severity, and I hope you're OK.

The OP has cervical cancer and you think she should be understanding?

First wives club member?

He spends every weekend away for four hours every Saturday and every Sunday. She’s now 15. Is he really there every Saturday and Sunday at her aunt’s house to play with her dad?

@Amioverreactinghmm you adult daughter lives with your and dh? What would you do if he said “yes you’re right we as husband and wife need to have each other as no1
over our children, your dd needs to move out”?

I see both sides. I was rushed to hospital via ambulance two weeks ago. My husband had the option to drop 13 year old DD (his step daughter) with my mum, and meet me in A&. He opted not to as it was late at night and a disruption to her.

It was hard and scary being in agonising pain, on morphine alone. But at the end of the day we have to prioritise our children. Even though the circumstances are different, your DHs daughter is still his child, and he felt he had to prioritise her for that extra hour or so.

Saying that I think your feelings are also totally valid, because I know first hand how scary it is to be rushed to hospital for the first time, and to feel really unwell.

What to play with them, whilst your unconscious spouse is in hospital. If the tables were turned & he was rushed into hospital unconscious, & you were playing with your 15yr old child what would be everyone’s expectations? That you should leave your child & go to your spouses’ aid.

I’m so sorry you are going through a tough time and I think he should have been there for you. It’s sounds like it was an emergency.

Whilst I can sort of see why he chose to stick to his contact hours (though I don’t agree he should have), I think it’s incredibly shitty that he hasn’t been apologetic and now isn’t speaking to you!