In laws policing drinking on holiday

[Cherry346]

I, along with DH and our two kids, stayed with relatives in law at their home in the South of France for our summer holiday (1 week) as we do every year unless they come to us in the UK. I noticed quite early on in the trip that uncle in law was not really offering me alcoholic drinks at the dinner table despite drinking wine himself and offering it to DH (it’s something I and UIL have previously enjoyed together – we’re both into wine and they live opposite a lovely vineyard where we’ve regularly done tastings). I have a long-term debilitating illness so don’t drink much (certainly no spirits etc) but do enjoy a glass or two when I’m away and find it really helps me relax, particularly after sorting the kids’ bedtime which I did most nights to let DH catch up with his family. Later in the week, auntie in law kept making comments about anti-inflammatory diets/querying what I eat so I suspect they were purposefully limiting my alcohol having read that it can sometimes negatively impact people with my illness (albeit in the six years I’ve been unwell I personally have not experienced any negative effects and similarly felt no better by giving it up for a period). At one point I briefly excused myself from the dinner table with indigestion and heard AIL mutter “maybe she’s gone in to get some wine” (like I was some form of closet alcoholic!!). AIBU to think that, at 44 years old, they are not entitled to police/judge what I drink in this way, despite what they may have read about my illness? To be clear, we bought a box of vineyard wine and paid for meals out to thank them for their hospitality, so there’s no suggestion they thought we were freeloading. I know this isn’t a huge issue in the grand scheme of things but it really got under my skin (pun intended!) and I spent the week feeling very uncomfortable/quite shamed/judged, especially when everyone else was imbibing! DH perhaps should have asked them whether there was an issue but I didn’t want an already strange/uncomfortable situation to become even more awkward! TIA

Can I ask why you call it 'policing'? It's making comments, not putting you in custody!

Have they actually mentioned alcohol directly to you? They drink themselves and you've had a glass or two at a time...?

What do you mean he 'was not really offering me alcoholic drinks at the dinner table' -- I mean, either he was or he wasn't?

Why didn't you bring it up rather than seething in silence?

Can I ask why you call it 'policing'? It's making comments, not putting you in custody!

Everyone else is drinking and being offered drinks, she is not. The nasty comments are on top of that.

I want to say yanbu on the face of it. Did you ask for wine? When fil was pouring it for dh say 'could I have a glass please' or just pass your glass over? Did you say anything to them about it?

The only part where maybe you might be unreasonable is if your illness impacts others and alcohol is a widely recognised trigger. I say this as my sil has a condition exacerbated by smoking yet still smokes - thats her choice but it often leads to cancelled plans or episodes which impact everyone else's day - incidents the family feel could be reduced if she stopped smoking, so its a bit frustrating.

Sounds like there is more to this than meets the eye.

policing is a very common term for controlling, either literally or through comments/judgement?

That's what 'policing' means - controlling.

Maybe your husband has said something to them about your drinking maybe?

I'd have bought a few bottles for the evening meals 'as there seems to be a shortage and glasses are being rationed'.

They were rude. It’s not their role to decide what you can drink or what is good for your health.

Buy a bottle for yourself for tonight

Agree.

I was poured a very small glass to begin with but then not topped up as others were. I can cope without the drink it's more the reasons why they were excluding me that bothers me. They're quite traditional and I wouldn't feel comfortable (and a bit rude) asking why they weren't topping me up!

Haha, we'd bought a few bottles from the local vineyard but that didn't seem to make a difference 😅

You just need to say 'pass the wine please' or ask your DH to top you up, or just bring your own bottle to the table.

Have you not spoken to your DH about it; what does he think?

As it's his family, I'd think he would have noticed and said, "Hey Unc, it looks like you missed out Cherry's glass again."

it sounds like someone has said something to them or you have been drunk in front of them? I agree with pp that there’s more going on here.

I didn't feel I could just ask for a glass (a bit pathetic I know) but they are very traditional (think man works, wife cooks and cleans, man pours the wine!) and I think it would have appeared rude.
my having a drink definitely doesn't negatively impact on others - if anything it just relaxes me and enables me to be more sociable!

Agree he should have said something - as they're very traditional they don't really have that kind of relationship . With my family I'd just grab the bottle and top DH up and no eyebrows would be raised!

I'd be taking my husband's glass.

So you've holidayed with them every year and that includes since you've had your illness? Why then have they suddenly decided to ration your wine intake this year? And yes, this would piss me right off!

Maybe the annual holiday has run its course…since none of you felt comfortable enough to discuss it. Did you check there hadn’t been some conversation between them and your DH about your condition and alcohol, maybe in the past? Seems a bit rude of them otherwise: I would make different plans next year.

Quite honestly, I would have taken the bull by the horns here, asked them directly what they thought they were doing and topped my own glass up if they continued. After all, it sounds like you have bought a fair bit of the wine too.

It is rude of them to just leave you out and appear to bypass your glass on top ups. Don't take that treatment from them.

Well this is it, I've no idea! That's what made it feel so uncomfortable as it was such a departure from previous years where we've enjoyed tasting local wines together / free flowing wine at dinner etc! I wouldn't have minded if they had offered us all no wine / less wine it's just the fact it seemed pointed at me 😬

FFS it's the 21st century and you're a grown woman with a husband and children, just say "can I have another glass of wine please?" or if he's pouring you short measures, say "can you put some more in please?".
"Man pours the wine" - presumably before the ladies retire to the drawing room !!