In laws policing drinking on holiday

[Cherry346]

I, along with DH and our two kids, stayed with relatives in law at their home in the South of France for our summer holiday (1 week) as we do every year unless they come to us in the UK. I noticed quite early on in the trip that uncle in law was not really offering me alcoholic drinks at the dinner table despite drinking wine himself and offering it to DH (it’s something I and UIL have previously enjoyed together – we’re both into wine and they live opposite a lovely vineyard where we’ve regularly done tastings). I have a long-term debilitating illness so don’t drink much (certainly no spirits etc) but do enjoy a glass or two when I’m away and find it really helps me relax, particularly after sorting the kids’ bedtime which I did most nights to let DH catch up with his family. Later in the week, auntie in law kept making comments about anti-inflammatory diets/querying what I eat so I suspect they were purposefully limiting my alcohol having read that it can sometimes negatively impact people with my illness (albeit in the six years I’ve been unwell I personally have not experienced any negative effects and similarly felt no better by giving it up for a period). At one point I briefly excused myself from the dinner table with indigestion and heard AIL mutter “maybe she’s gone in to get some wine” (like I was some form of closet alcoholic!!). AIBU to think that, at 44 years old, they are not entitled to police/judge what I drink in this way, despite what they may have read about my illness? To be clear, we bought a box of vineyard wine and paid for meals out to thank them for their hospitality, so there’s no suggestion they thought we were freeloading. I know this isn’t a huge issue in the grand scheme of things but it really got under my skin (pun intended!) and I spent the week feeling very uncomfortable/quite shamed/judged, especially when everyone else was imbibing! DH perhaps should have asked them whether there was an issue but I didn’t want an already strange/uncomfortable situation to become even more awkward! TIA

Op your DH is leaning you feeling all this. He should have noted your glass he should have topped you up he should managing his family to help make you feel comfortable.b

Thank god someone asked, I had absolutely no clue what the intentional pun was about 😩😂

ive seen the response now, that was indeed a very very tenuous link!

Bet they’ve been on some dumb social media or crap “news” program and swallowed it. How annoying. I’d get your DH to tell them to butt out.

Why didn’t your dh ask what your aunt meant with her comment when you left the room? Surely that means he knows what she was meaning?

I would not be going to visit them again. Let your DH go on his own if he wants. I couldn't be doing with all this patriarchal nonsense.

I was just about to post this! He can hardly refuse can he? If anyone comments or gives you “a look” then take an extra big mouthful of wine and make it obvious! They sound like miserable gits.

But who? And why?

So the first time it happened say to DH can you please top my wine up too tomorrow as Uncle forgot.

Then it's the male looking after his wife, the same way you said you'd look after him at your family.

Just say in a happy tone “oh I’ll have a glass too please!” and your problem is solved?

Maybe your perception of being more sociable and chatty when drinking doesn't match up to their perception of your behaviour when drinking. Maybe you upset them in some way on another occasion.

Seems odd that in previous years the wine was free flowing and this year they're trying to limit you.

@Cherry346
Seeing as you have enjoyed activities involving wine, tasting etc, in past visits, I have to agree with past posters that it is possible that someone has made comment about alcohol intake and your medical condition.

The comment about looking for wine was strange though. Was your husband not present at the time? It seems as if they have decided to not openly address it.
Could you not break the ice and say something about “some people” with your condition finding an improvement by limiting intake, but that you personally haven’t noticed any difference🤷‍♀️

Oh give over, she’s a grown up, she has a voice. If she wanted wine she should ask. Or get up and pour it. It’s a real reach to make it her husbands fault

I wouldn't go again, it is very rude and controlling.

You are a grown bloody woman you can drink a bottle or a thimble, that is entirely up to you!! I would never ever go again, and I would be expecting dh to have a very stern, firm word with his parents if he ever hoped to see us again.

The SoF is about drinking fine wines, eating fine food and relaxing no? There is literally nothing else to do - sorry they are ruining your holiday op. I would be going out for the rest of the holiday, where I can enjoy a glass or two of wine in peace.

The cheek of them. It is none of their business, I’d think twice before visiting again.
The muttering would bother me, I would not ignore it. I’d have to ask them what is the problem.

Hmmmm I doubt that very much, or they would simply stop inviting op and her dh rather than try and police an adult's conscious choices and risk the mother of all fall outs.

At 44 years old surely you are confident enough to simply say “pass the wine please”

That is very odd of them! My DH would have 100% said something though.

@EnglishRose26. Are the PIL who need a ‘very stern word’ even at the Villa?

However, this is MN and so many posters think that PILS should be spoken to like naughty children even if they are not in the same country.

I don't see that. It would be more dramatic and likely to cause a breach to stop inviting them. It would mean missing out on having her dh, their family member, visiting.

They probably think they're being subtle. 😂

The little comment about her looking for eine suggests they think she has a drinking problem.

AIL's comment implies that she thinks you're a lush. I'd be wondering how she came to that conclusion - has anything happened in the past, or has someone said something which she has (mis)interpreted? Could she have got it in her head that your condition is caused by alcohol?

Surely if you say they're traditional then it just means that you don't refill your own glass.

Who do you think said something if not your DH ? Do you think they are the type to go online searching someone's illness and things they can and can't have and do you think even though years of drinking wine with them they have only suddenly taken an interest in your health?

It doesn't sound like you normally sit there lashing the wine down your neck by the bottle so this sudden change in behaviour sounds like someone has said something to them and I'd be thinking your DH as who else would and he was sitting there while your glass was passed over and when the comment was made.

No more holidays with them. How miserable and condescending of them. I’d understand if you got blind drunk often, but it doesn’t sound as if that’s ever happened.

It can't be about being "traditional" and women's roles, if in previous years they didn't give a crap and the wine flowed freely.

It's something else. Either the health thing or they think she's an alkie.

Send your husband on his own next time and have a rest.

These threads are so depressing to read.
MN is full of lovely women utterly ground down by others.

The idea of a relative of my husbands curtailing my alcohol.....a parallel universe.

I think I'd bring a bottle of the wine that I bought at the vineyard to the dinner table. Then I'd pour myself a large glass of it before offering others the chance to try some of it. When the bottle had been drunk I'd then ask them to open one of theirs and to pour you a large glass to try.