In laws policing drinking on holiday

[Cherry346]

I, along with DH and our two kids, stayed with relatives in law at their home in the South of France for our summer holiday (1 week) as we do every year unless they come to us in the UK. I noticed quite early on in the trip that uncle in law was not really offering me alcoholic drinks at the dinner table despite drinking wine himself and offering it to DH (it’s something I and UIL have previously enjoyed together – we’re both into wine and they live opposite a lovely vineyard where we’ve regularly done tastings). I have a long-term debilitating illness so don’t drink much (certainly no spirits etc) but do enjoy a glass or two when I’m away and find it really helps me relax, particularly after sorting the kids’ bedtime which I did most nights to let DH catch up with his family. Later in the week, auntie in law kept making comments about anti-inflammatory diets/querying what I eat so I suspect they were purposefully limiting my alcohol having read that it can sometimes negatively impact people with my illness (albeit in the six years I’ve been unwell I personally have not experienced any negative effects and similarly felt no better by giving it up for a period). At one point I briefly excused myself from the dinner table with indigestion and heard AIL mutter “maybe she’s gone in to get some wine” (like I was some form of closet alcoholic!!). AIBU to think that, at 44 years old, they are not entitled to police/judge what I drink in this way, despite what they may have read about my illness? To be clear, we bought a box of vineyard wine and paid for meals out to thank them for their hospitality, so there’s no suggestion they thought we were freeloading. I know this isn’t a huge issue in the grand scheme of things but it really got under my skin (pun intended!) and I spent the week feeling very uncomfortable/quite shamed/judged, especially when everyone else was imbibing! DH perhaps should have asked them whether there was an issue but I didn’t want an already strange/uncomfortable situation to become even more awkward! TIA

Very strange. I find the comment about you "going to find more wine" or whatever when you left the room a bit loaded. Are you sure your DH hasn't said something. Sounds like there's been some sort of chatter going on that you're not aware of.

I agree and suspect the former potentially. They've definitely never seen me drunk or behave inappropriately, neither have any of DH's family (maybe a bit merry and chatty but that's it!).

Pretty certain DH hasn't said anything, we both enjoy the local wines and doing the tastings so it's not in his interest to. Potentially someone else.

I think maybe you need to speak to your husband. I bet he has implied something which has influenced how they are acting around you with alcohol. Either way he should have spoken up for you.

they are very traditional (think man works, wife cooks and cleans, man pours the wine!) and I think it would have appeared rude

No, what's rude is setting yourself up as the gracious host and neglecting one of your guests. If they are that traditional then he wouldn't be so rude to you. Just take your own bottle to the table and top yourself up.

Given that you get on and have enjoyed sharing drinks in the past, I think most likely your in laws were worried about your health and didn't want to encourage you to drink, knowing that normally you have very little alcohol. Nothing to feel shamed about, though irritating that they didn't let you decide.

I think until you find yourself in these quite intimidating traditional / "society" dynamics, especially if it's not your family, it's hard to understand why you might not feel ok doing this especially if you're typically a people pleaser... It would be seen as quite rude and there's pressure to conform. I've heard my MIL moan about people who don't follow etiquette (and yes she says drawing room).

However they are being rude not offering to top you up, so....

I think this is a job for DH.

Well I wouldn’t be staying with anyone who would make me feel awkward for pouring myself a glass of wine on holiday.

Sorry to sidetrack but when you say

but it really got under my skin (pun intended!)

I can’t for the life of me work out what the pun is supposed to be..

You are the unreasonable one.
You are a grown woman who is putting up with this nonsense.
My god just buy a bottle like you have and say I’m having a couple of glasses tonight it’s a beautiful wine I’ll enjoy that.

If you don't want to top up your own glass, next time when he's topping up DH's wine hold up your glass in his direction and say "ooh yes please!"

I think that's where your answer lies OP. Someone has said something, either deliberately or unintentionally trying to be "helpful". It's not just the rationing, it's also the comment about you trying to find more wine when you left the room. That really, really sounds like someone has whispered in their ears.

Edited to say that something has obviously happened because it's such a sudden turn around after so many years.

That would be the last of the annual holidays with family for me

It's incredibly rude that they have wine at the table and don't offer it to you the same as they do to everyone else at the table. It seems infantilising; like you might not realise your intake could be restricted by your medical issues or that you might feel pressured to drink if someone included you in the routine round of asking who wants more wine. Yes, it IS their house, and if you'd said they'd cleared out all of the alcohol and just didn't have any available for guests (and didn't drink in front of you) I'd say that's their choice. You've mentioned that they are staunch misogynists so that may very well be playing a role here but it also makes it a little surprising that your husband didn't speak up on your behalf or have a quiet word with his uncle and aunt. I wouldn't visit them again, or at least I wouldn't stay at their house.

Grape skin 🤣🤣 yes quite a stretch but it is always an important part of the tastings!

Thanks - I probably agree sadly 😢

Oh for heaven's sake, you know EXACTLY what she meant!

My mind would not at all go to them thinking you have an alcohol problem!

Reading your OP I presumed that they know someone with your illness or a similar one, that that person feels better not drinking, and that they want to be tactful about you being better off not drinking (much). In the same way they might (equally presumptuously) not serve a pregnant woman, though some pregnant women (and, in some countries, many pregnant women!) still drink a few throughout pregnancy.

Are you sure they are judging rather than trying to make life easier on you?

Of course, they are misguided either way.

Yes, my family are completely different we are very close with daily chats and nothing is off limits. Just very different with DH family, much more defined roles and expectations. Also far more privileged backgrounds. It's bad enough I have a Northern accent 😂

Maybe worth actually speaking to them. Not sure what traditional means - it’s not the 1950s

So, do you think your DH has asked them to go easy on the wine for you then OP?

I’m sorry op,I simply cannot imagine a situation where if I wished a glass of wine I’d not say oh can you top mine up too please, no matter how traditional. And if you really are too scared to say something, surely you could say to your husband tomorrow night can you ensure they refill my glass or take the bottle and do it for you.

so you sat there wanting wine, said nothing, didn’t ask your husband to help, went without and started a thread? I find this concerning uou can’t advocate for yourself, even when you brought the wine.

This.

@Cherry346 I don't understand why you were so passive about it. I would have asked "where's my glass". Or failing that, simply taken DH's glass and made him get himself another one.

Edited to say I don't see why you would worry that asking for a glass of wine like everyone else might seem rude. Not pouring you a glass of wine is rude.

If Uncle in law was missing your glass and Auntie in law made the comment, I would suspect there has been a whole discussion about it and wonder who else had been discussing you when you are not there.

Yep, I'm afraid so OP. If not your DH then maybe another close relative like your mum? If they've had something planted in their heads about you and wine (and they are as old fashioned as you say) then I think you're stuck with the situation this week without causing some sort of upset. I should make this the last holiday with them.

Buy yourself a bottle of nice wine . Open it at the table and don't offer it round . No one has the right to tell you you can't have a glass of wine on holiday . I'd have to bring it up . Why is your DH not saying anything to his very rude relatives ?