In laws policing drinking on holiday

[Cherry346]

I, along with DH and our two kids, stayed with relatives in law at their home in the South of France for our summer holiday (1 week) as we do every year unless they come to us in the UK. I noticed quite early on in the trip that uncle in law was not really offering me alcoholic drinks at the dinner table despite drinking wine himself and offering it to DH (it’s something I and UIL have previously enjoyed together – we’re both into wine and they live opposite a lovely vineyard where we’ve regularly done tastings). I have a long-term debilitating illness so don’t drink much (certainly no spirits etc) but do enjoy a glass or two when I’m away and find it really helps me relax, particularly after sorting the kids’ bedtime which I did most nights to let DH catch up with his family. Later in the week, auntie in law kept making comments about anti-inflammatory diets/querying what I eat so I suspect they were purposefully limiting my alcohol having read that it can sometimes negatively impact people with my illness (albeit in the six years I’ve been unwell I personally have not experienced any negative effects and similarly felt no better by giving it up for a period). At one point I briefly excused myself from the dinner table with indigestion and heard AIL mutter “maybe she’s gone in to get some wine” (like I was some form of closet alcoholic!!). AIBU to think that, at 44 years old, they are not entitled to police/judge what I drink in this way, despite what they may have read about my illness? To be clear, we bought a box of vineyard wine and paid for meals out to thank them for their hospitality, so there’s no suggestion they thought we were freeloading. I know this isn’t a huge issue in the grand scheme of things but it really got under my skin (pun intended!) and I spent the week feeling very uncomfortable/quite shamed/judged, especially when everyone else was imbibing! DH perhaps should have asked them whether there was an issue but I didn’t want an already strange/uncomfortable situation to become even more awkward! TIA

This was honestly what it was like! When we first arrived my husband was offered a beer and I some lemon water 😂 I perhaps wouldn't have thought anything of it if previous visits hadn't been very different (always a bottle of cold white or rose awaiting us on our arrival!).

@Cherry346 and @Shypinkpiggypants, any chance anyone thinks you're pregnant?

Haha definitely not!

I wonder if they’ve personally looked into your illness to try and be good hosts and it’s mentioned alcohol as a potential issue so they didn’t want to seem like enablers and being traditional weren’t the type to bring it up, hoping you might and as you didn’t casually slipped into it that AIL comment you mentioned hoping you’d enlighten them?

Next time, just be forthcoming that wine doesn’t affect you as you’d tested it out so you’re going to fill your boots where the wine tastes so good.

Exactly. It would either be something he said or something his parents said.

I know what you mean with older family from other countries, dinners can be formal and I don’t think I would have said anything like pass the wine the first night either. But did you not comment on it to DH that night, later on when you were in private and ask what he thought was going on? I can imagine day 2 not having a plan in place (DH is just twigging it’s happening after you’d mentioned it) but surely by third day DH has your back and can say something on your behalf (you missed cherry’s glass). The fact DH didn’t - do you think he’s told them he’s worried bout your drinking with the health condition and he was actuallly in kahoots with them?

I think last time you were there, as you said wine was “free flowing at dinner” that they’ve misjudged you massively and taken it upon themselves to decide you’re either a heavy drinker or an alcoholic!

Policing means controlling , restricting , monitoring etc perfect use of the word

Just speak up and ask for wine

“ummm this wine is lovely “

“ill have a glass from the bottle i bought today “

To me, it seems they think you need to control your drinking as you have a problem with alcohol.

We were told that the Aunt said that - not "they all"

She's married to their nephew.

I'd love to go to a party where you all bring your goats.

Yeah, you're not wrong. It really is absolutely none of their business. Even if the person was dying of cirrhosis it's their own body, their choice.

Yeees. Sure, someone can decide to kill themselves with alcohol if they want.

But I'm not sure that the people around the person are obliged to enable them or provide them with the booze to do it without comment.

By the same token, if the reason they don't want OP drinking is because of her behaviour or they think she's got a problem, they're surely not obliged to keep pouring the alcohol for her politely?

What if she's an arsehole who thinks she's fun? If uncle Alf the alkie is in your house, do you keep topping him up even when he's getting lairy or falling down drunk?

It's their home, they get to decide their level of hospitality.

I agree with that too. But I think OP should just bring her own booze. I don't think she should behave badly while drinking of course but that goes for anyone.

by that same token, and if that is the case, should they be drinking in front of her?

Probably not, if that is the reason.

But it appears they're trying to moderate her drinking, not stop her entirely. And it's everyone's holiday.

I'm not saying they're handling it well, I'm just saying the ragey how very dare anyone police her drinking is a bit black and white.

I don't think it can be about them being "traditional" because OP said in previous years, the booze was free-flowing.

It is their house at the end of the day. If she doesn't like it, she's free not to accept their hospitality next time, or to plonk her own bottle on the table.

but they aren't modelling moderation?

I think that was covered by me saying I didn't say they were handling it well 😂

so they believe something which the Op says is not true and they are not handling it well. I think in general on MN unless we suspect trolling or lying, in which case we can not comment or can report, there is no point making up our own interpretation of events and then answering as though that is true. Anything else is not helpful no?

Nah, I think it's fair enough to suggest alternative perspectives.

It just doesn't make sense for them to have suddenly become "traditional" about women drinking after years of allowing the wine to flow freely.

It makes more sense if the change in attitude is either due to concern over OPs health issue, or maybe having upset them in some way unbeknownst.

yes but don't you think "dying of cirrhosis" is a bit of a shark jump?

That wasn't me.

Someone said Op could have 72 hours to live and it would still be none of their business

Someone else said Even if the person was dying of cirrhosis it's their own body, their choice. (It was an example, not suggesting it's what OP actually has as far as I can tell.)

And then I chimed in about the role in enabling that or not.

Policing is entirely the right word