In laws policing drinking on holiday

[Cherry346]

I, along with DH and our two kids, stayed with relatives in law at their home in the South of France for our summer holiday (1 week) as we do every year unless they come to us in the UK. I noticed quite early on in the trip that uncle in law was not really offering me alcoholic drinks at the dinner table despite drinking wine himself and offering it to DH (it’s something I and UIL have previously enjoyed together – we’re both into wine and they live opposite a lovely vineyard where we’ve regularly done tastings). I have a long-term debilitating illness so don’t drink much (certainly no spirits etc) but do enjoy a glass or two when I’m away and find it really helps me relax, particularly after sorting the kids’ bedtime which I did most nights to let DH catch up with his family. Later in the week, auntie in law kept making comments about anti-inflammatory diets/querying what I eat so I suspect they were purposefully limiting my alcohol having read that it can sometimes negatively impact people with my illness (albeit in the six years I’ve been unwell I personally have not experienced any negative effects and similarly felt no better by giving it up for a period). At one point I briefly excused myself from the dinner table with indigestion and heard AIL mutter “maybe she’s gone in to get some wine” (like I was some form of closet alcoholic!!). AIBU to think that, at 44 years old, they are not entitled to police/judge what I drink in this way, despite what they may have read about my illness? To be clear, we bought a box of vineyard wine and paid for meals out to thank them for their hospitality, so there’s no suggestion they thought we were freeloading. I know this isn’t a huge issue in the grand scheme of things but it really got under my skin (pun intended!) and I spent the week feeling very uncomfortable/quite shamed/judged, especially when everyone else was imbibing! DH perhaps should have asked them whether there was an issue but I didn’t want an already strange/uncomfortable situation to become even more awkward! TIA

traditional family or not, something has to be said or you don't know what the next "helpful idea" will be. Sort out between your husband and yourself who will deal with it.

Just help yourself. The bottle is on the table fur everyone to get more wine if they want to.
And have a word with your dh. He could do that too when he sees your glass is empty.

Manners don’t ask you to wait fur Uncle to pour the wine for everyone

Any idea who it could be? And why?

Btw when you went out if the room and they were all saying ‘oh she is getting more wine for herself’ what did your dh say?
Why didn’t he step in and correct it as a ludicrous idea?

Excellent way forward. That will force them to explain their reluctance. And not exactly gobby, just gets the point across that they're withholding the wine from you OP.

That's pretty crass of them @Cherry346

Your UIL though maybe was thinking about your health - alcohol is treated just like a poison by our liver, there's a reason the WHO has said there is no safe limit for alcohol consumption. I drink occasionally myself, so not saying this as a teetotaler.

If it had been me, though, I'd have asked for some.

They sound so stuffy, I couldn’t be dealing with it! I’d ask someone to pass the wine though. I wouldn’t wait in silence, don’t shrink yourself OP

Btw what is UIL and AIL?

If they are so traditional that you are not allowed to speak up and say you would like your glass of wine to be topped up along with everyone else's, then maybe it's time to stop vacationing with them. I have reached the age where I can no longer tolerate having my leisure time ruined by other people (aka relatives from an older and more "traditional" generation) treating me like I'm lesser than men because I'm female, even if my husband tells me to let it go because "that's how people were brought up back then."

Well it is policing if you feel they are actively stopping you having a drink. If they are making comments like saying I expect she's gone in to get a drink. They are clearly then passing you over and depriving you of having a drink. Clearly there is more to this. You dont say what your health condition is, whether you are taking medication that should not be mixed with alcohol or youve been told not to drink Your husband doesnt seem to stand up for you either by offering you a drink or speaking up. You are a grown woman. I wonder whether there has been an issue around alcohol, that you are over interested in it and have over consumed it and its caused an issue, by not offering it to you they feel they are circumventing a problem. Perhaps if you find it all a bit upsetting and it cant be easily resolved you call these annual trips to these aged relatives in law a day.

You’re married to their son, not at a royal dinner party. I have no idea why you couldn’t have just asked for a splash more wine, or poured yourself some.

Go and buy some lovely French supermarket wine and crack open a bottle for yourself at every dinner. This is honestly ridiculous and rude!

👍😆

Yes I think this. We have an elderly traditional couple who are very restrained drinkers and this relative has got drunk, perceptably drunk or been sick and its caused a problem, so the Uncle in law is restricting her consumption. I belong to an art club , we eat out together occasionally but there is one woman who cannot pace herself. She drinks wine like lemonade, empties bottles on the table so others dont get their share and has ended up passed out in the toilets, once fell flat on the floor in front of us and other diners. The upshot now is that we restrict her alcohol, we go a stage further we tell her when she's had enough, politely then we reinforce it by getting our goats and leaving if she doesnt pull up.

Are you sure your husband hasn't said something to them? He's a man so by their rules, allowed to pour wine, yet he didn't fill your glass either. And his aunt felt comfortable to mutter to him when you left the table. Its odd he didn't respond in your defence.

I don't think their wine rationing is to do with your illness, deep down they think you have a drink problem.

Do you? Do you think DH said something about it if you do, have they witnessed any odd behaviour on your part?

If hand on heart you don't have any issues with alcohol, then I'd have to say it at the table and be brave and adult about it. Let them know you are having some wine, it doesn't affect the illness and that's that. Cheers and happy holidays!

Being ‘traditional’ also involves not making your guest feel uncomfortable, plus it’s incredibly poor hospitality to pointedly give someone smaller amounts and no refills (unless specifically asked for).

And what century do they come from? I have a good French friend in her mid-eighties and she and her entire circle of female relatives and friends of the same generation (they have, by and large, outlived the men) have had stellar careers if anything — lawyer, pharmacist, academic.

In your position I would not go there any more. If DH asks why, I’d say it is because they are so rude - topping up everyone’s glass except yours - and thereby making you feel uncomfortable and unwelcome.

Why didn't you say anything? Explain how it doesn't affect your condition. They weren't mindreaders. Then all of you would have been able to go on from there.

They didn’t need to be mind readers.
The appropriate response to a guest with an empty glass is to offer a top up - particularly when you are offering that to others!
It is for the guest to decide their own limits.

Policing is a term, in this case meaning the in laws are keeping a watchful eye on OPs alcohol consumption so she remains in check.
I have an autoimmune disease, which is also debilitating at times, but if anyone made me feel l like I shouldn't have a few glasses of wine as and when please, especially while on my holidays, id tell them to go shove their corkscrew where the sun doesnt shine

If they are going to limit you on wine, they should limit everybody at the table otherwise it’s very poor manners. I’d have thought they might have known better.

I would be so confident in that thought that I wouldn’t rest until I had brought it to their attention right there and then at the dinner table as soon as it becomes evident.
“Are you of the mistaken opinion, uncle Fred, that I can’t hold my drink, or that I’m a secret alcoholic or that while a top up of alcohol appears to be good for you all, it isn’t good for me for some reason? Please do enlighten me because I’m feeling really curious about it and puzzled as to why I alone, am being rationed every evening”

If your health condition is to do with your liver I can see why they'd instinctively maybe not think you'd want to be drinking much. And if you didn't say anything to the contrary then how would they know to offer it to you?
You should've supplied your own. And helped yourself.

If your health condition is to do with your stomach, absolutely alcohol is an irritant an inflammatory food - I have an illness which means I am on an anti inflammatory diet and alcohol is an absolute no go for me. Tbh if someone came to stay with me who was on a similar diet due to a similar illness I would be really worried if they drank more than a small glass with food. I wouldnt act like these people did but I would be worried

It is NONE of their business to supervise op like Matron. Op could have 72 hours to live and it would still be none of their business. Seriously they need to wind their neck in on risk ruining their relationship with their DIL.

I would not stand for such unhealthy controlling behaviour. Especially if I had a health condition. Unless someone is without mental capacity it is never ever okay to police an adult.

This would fit with my initial reaction to what was said; not that your uncle was rationing you and thought you were on a wine hunt, but that he didn't want to ration you but someone else had asked him to. It sounds like a pass agg dig at someone at the table. Is this possible?

Edited with a belated acknowledgement of all those who’ve made the same point - sorry!