In laws policing drinking on holiday

[Cherry346]

I, along with DH and our two kids, stayed with relatives in law at their home in the South of France for our summer holiday (1 week) as we do every year unless they come to us in the UK. I noticed quite early on in the trip that uncle in law was not really offering me alcoholic drinks at the dinner table despite drinking wine himself and offering it to DH (it’s something I and UIL have previously enjoyed together – we’re both into wine and they live opposite a lovely vineyard where we’ve regularly done tastings). I have a long-term debilitating illness so don’t drink much (certainly no spirits etc) but do enjoy a glass or two when I’m away and find it really helps me relax, particularly after sorting the kids’ bedtime which I did most nights to let DH catch up with his family. Later in the week, auntie in law kept making comments about anti-inflammatory diets/querying what I eat so I suspect they were purposefully limiting my alcohol having read that it can sometimes negatively impact people with my illness (albeit in the six years I’ve been unwell I personally have not experienced any negative effects and similarly felt no better by giving it up for a period). At one point I briefly excused myself from the dinner table with indigestion and heard AIL mutter “maybe she’s gone in to get some wine” (like I was some form of closet alcoholic!!). AIBU to think that, at 44 years old, they are not entitled to police/judge what I drink in this way, despite what they may have read about my illness? To be clear, we bought a box of vineyard wine and paid for meals out to thank them for their hospitality, so there’s no suggestion they thought we were freeloading. I know this isn’t a huge issue in the grand scheme of things but it really got under my skin (pun intended!) and I spent the week feeling very uncomfortable/quite shamed/judged, especially when everyone else was imbibing! DH perhaps should have asked them whether there was an issue but I didn’t want an already strange/uncomfortable situation to become even more awkward! TIA

Crazy you didn't just ask, traditional or not. It isn't traditional to be rude to a guest. You should have just asked for a top up. And also asked in a quiet moment why Aunt said about you going to get more wine.

This is possible.

On the face of it their behaviour is bizarre and rude.

The only explanation I can think of which would semi justify it would be either a) they think you drink too much or b) they are concerned alcohol could exacerbate your condition.

I’m not going to jump to conclusions because it doesn’t sound like you have a drinking problem but my dad was an alcoholic and I was very uncomfortable being around him when he drank so I would try to limit his drinking. Possibly a pointless exercise but I powerfully wanted to curb his alcohol intake. It’s worth being very honest with yourself and asking yourself if you could have overdone it in the past.

If not then maybe its just sexism and they expect you to drink a “lady’s measure”.

All quite bizarre and definitely worth probing your DH on it.

you take goats out to dinner????

She is married to their nephew. So an extra step distant.

I grew up in this kind of family. It was considered the height of rudeness to directly ask for things. I always had to wait to be offered. Unless you have experienced this odd dynamic, it is impossible to understand. As an adult in my 50s, I still have to fight my inner dialogue to ask for anything.

This!!

Also, I dont think that they can sit back and think, oh but we are traditional and everyone knows their place and should keep to it.. is any kind of excuse for their behaviour.
It's awkward and embarrassing that they treated you like that and its difficult when something like that happens out of the blue to come up with the right response on the spot... Also awkward if you are staying with them because no one wants to start an arguement with their hosts.

But I also don't think you should let this slide. DH needs to know and needs to honestly tell you what was going on. And if you do see them again, he needs to have spoken to them in advance so that they don't embarrass you like that again. The Aunt's comment was completely uncalled for. Especially by a table of people who were busily quaffing their own wine.

If he doesn't, I think damn tradition, you've got time to think of a good response to them yourself. Take the bull by the horns and don't Allow them to embarrass you. In fact tell them they are embarrassing you and ask them to stop. Easy to say, hard to do I know.

Now that's a party!

Good lord, how much longer do you have to stay with these people? They sound awful. I think either your DH shoukd say something or make sure this is the last holiday you spend with them. They sound dreadfully controlling and judgemental.

You need to speak up for yourself! Could you top me up please as FIL is topping up the others. It's none of their business anyway. You can police yourself!
They can bog off!

Your husband is no prize.
Allows you to be treated like this, sits on his arse every night whilst you do all the bedtimes, and you have your wine restricted.

I wouldn't be going near them again and I sure as shit wouldn't be entertaining them again until that lazy arse husband of yours sorts it out firmly.

Your illness didn't stop your husband sitting on his arse whilst you did all the bedtimes, did it.
Twat.

I'd just say, oh you missed me out, how about a glass of wine. You can force them to explain themselves- otherwise the resentment will build.

It seems to me OP is light on context. Did you ask husband wtf is going on? Did he notice it too and what does he say?

Seems like those people all had an agreement which is extremely weird, but to give them the benefit of the doubt - did you or husband mention a recent flare up of your health condition? Either way it would be out of line, but your being an adult goes both ways and you should be asking for a top up yourself, traditional customs be damned.

The hypocrisy of keeping up appearances and being rude is bad enough though.

What? There is no way I would sit around a table whilst the men, and chosen women only, were allowed to decide who could drink the wine. Who the fuck does he think he is? If another couple want to live out the man’s misogynistic wet dream and agree that his wife is subservient to him then whatever, but nobody else would be enlisting me as a side character in that miserable dynamic.

OP, I think you need to open your eyes.

Your DH is right at the centre of this. If he were innocent or on your side, he would be querying their behaviour and asking questions.

Earlier this week I was at in laws for a party.
All adults were drinking.
I was asked - would you like a drink. Oh yes please I said .
Would you like - apple juice , orange juice , root beer, elderflower and water or I can do a tea or coffee !!!!! I was just amazed and felt like I was in AA!!! Every other adult there was drinking . It was so bizarre.
DH said - I don’t think she wants an orange juice ! She will have a proper drink. No idea what that was all about but I felt really judged !

DH perhaps should have asked them whether there was an issue but I didn’t want an already strange/uncomfortable situation to become even more awkward!

So you would rather feel.uncomfortable on your holiday?

did they have any reason at all to think (or hope) you might be pregnant?

The fact your DH didn't nip this bullshit in the bud the first time it happened, on the first night, makes me think he knows exactly what is going on here. This is his family treating you this way.

🤣

Why didn't you just use your voice? "I'll have another glass please" "is there a hole in the bottle as there isnt much in my glass"

I dont understand people that complain about something without ever speaking up.

You are an adult - use your adult voice!

Why should he nip it in the bud. Why’s it his fault. She’s a grown up she can say pass the wine.

Exactly - we arent living in 1826! Speak up for yourself!

But it was said in his presence. When the OP was out of the room (even if she still heard)

So yes I’d expect him to correct the assumption.
If someine had made a comment like that about my dh, totally put of line with reality, I’d have looked at the person with an incredulous look saying ‘what? Theres wine on the table. Why would she need to go and find some more???’

She obviously felt out of her comfort zone and it does sound like a strange situation (the man pours the wine?!) so I would expect a loving, supportive partner to back up his DW if she was being treated poorly in his relatives home. It would be different if on neutral ground like a restaurant, but demanding alcohol in a private home is awkward.

Sounds to me like they’ve been told something about your drinking

I'd ask your DH if he knows anything about this first - if he says No then I'd tell him that you will ask them directly why they are being so odd towards your drinking.

I bet he'll try and dissuade you from talking to them - because he DOES know what's been said, and I've no doubt by him.