My husband wants me to pay more towards the bills…

[ZiggyNiko]

I’d really appreciate some outside perspective because I’m starting to feel like I’m being unreasonable, but I’m not sure.
My husband earns around £4,000 a month and I earn around £1,500. I only work 3 days a week because our youngest isn’t at nursery yet, so increasing my hours isn’t really an option at the moment.
We don’t have a mortgage, but my husband wants me to take over the council tax and electricity, which come to around £500 a month combined.
I already pay approximately £500 a month for groceries, as well as paying for our two children’s activities, days out, clothes, and various other expenses for them.
When we go on holiday, say a £4,000 holiday, I’ll usually contribute around £1,000. Even that is difficult for me on my income.
My husband says he runs out of money every month, but the problem is that I have no idea where his money is going. He doesn’t seem willing to sit down and go through the finances with me and explain what he’s spending it on.
What really bothers me is that he somehow has the money for an annual £1,000 golf trip, while telling me that he doesn’t have enough money and that I should take on more household bills.
I’m not saying he shouldn’t have hobbies or spend money on himself. But given the huge difference in our incomes, and the fact that I’m working reduced hours partly because of childcare, I feel like our finances should be looked at as a household rather than simply splitting bills.
Am I being unreasonable for thinking he should be contributing significantly more to the household expenses?

He has been caught and obviously was not expecting you to challenge him. You have been given some excellent advice by other posters. You definitely need to instruct a solicitor ASAP.
Do you feel safe in your own home? Make sure you have a back up plan, just incase your husband becomes aggressive. Be strong and do not waiver. I wish you all the best 💜 x

Excellent advice!

Dear op, now you get angry 😠, gov.uk for divorce process, doesn't take long to fill in, your don't need his permission op, he'll get paperwork in post or email ' your choice ' let him know your serious op,

Remember he is two weeks ahead of you here,
Refusing to show statements is worrying op
Being nasty is another level op,

The divorce process will open everything up for you,

Don't show him how hurt you are,

There's no way back when he is so nasty towards you op, never mind the financial abuse,

Find your strength today op 💐💐

Make sure your solicitor registers your interest in the property ASAP @ZiggyNiko .

Absolutely agree with this. You need to get the whole picture of where the money is going.

You should tell him you need to sit down and discuss. If he refuses, as you say, then you don’t pay any more towards the bills.
If you are a family you should put all your money in one pot, or alternatively add up all your household outgoings and pay proportionately according to your income.

I don’t agree all money has to go in one pot that’s silly and not the way many do it. It is also pointless as he’s clearly not going to do that.

op, there is obviously a very major issue with money he is trying to hide from you, which he thinks will be settled by Jan, or you will forget by then, it could be debt, it could be gambling, it could be spending on cam girls, none of us know, or can guess, but there is something very wrong indeed, and that’s what’s behind is angry reaction.

i personally don’t think there is any way forward right now other than split, as no one should be spoken to like that, and in front of the kids is a complete deal breaker, neither of you can model this sort of relationship in front of them

as such, I’d now be having separation discussions, but I’m not you, what will you do?

It will be one pot when the divorce goes through, unless there was a pre-nup!

It IS unfair, especially the fact that your name is not on the house deeds (by mistake) when you have contributed to the purchase. I am afraid that this is a bit of a red flag for me. Mistakes like that are usually spotted before signing and corrected or corrected immediately afterwards with further legal documents.

None of this sounds fair to me.

Before you pay any more money to your joint outgoings, especialy the childrens' costs, you need to sit down and go through the expenses with complete transparency. I hope he doesnt refuse to do this, but if he does you have a problem.

He has refused to do this until next January its up thread

@ZiggyNiko As you can see, far too many posters don't read the whole thread, or even just your updates, so their comments are out-of-date and irrelevant and just clutter up the thread.
You may want to start a new thread specifically asking for help navigating a divorce with a financially abusive man.

Hopefully you’ll feel anger instead of sadness soon. It’s a more useful emotion.

Remember he’s turned nasty only because he’s been found out. Nothing like a cornered animal to attack. And he’s attacking to try to make you feel bad. Scrabbling around for anything to throw at you. Don’t feel badly! Don’t be broken. You’ve got this!

He is the problem. Better his sons are not around him to grow up thinking that he is the role model to follow. Life will be easier without him. Though he’ll try not to pay any money at least you’re not contributing to his dodgy lifestyle. Once your sons are older you can go back to work earning enough. I’m so tired of men expecting wives to do the majority of childcare and work full time.

This rings so true:

Since having the kids, he’s always made me feel like shit by saying that he brings in more money. But why does he bring in more? Because I’m the one looking after his kids. He’s always made me feel small because I earn less, and I feel like he loves having that sense of power over me.

Now you won’t have to feel small.

You need to take the initiative here and dictate the timeline and the agenda going forward. As others have said he is stalling as he may have lots to hide. Don't give him the opportunity. Get legal advice now and start the process. Don't allow him to stop you with threats or promises.

His loss. It will cost him more to pay child maintenance etc.
You will be better off in every way.

You shouldn't be paying more than 40% of your total bills, if that, including grocery shopping. If he isn't willing to sit down and share his account outgoings with you, don't start paying any more, refuse. He is being unreasonable. You need to ask yourself is this financial abuse? Or coercive control?

You could be right about paying for sex workers. A friend of mine found out her husband was doing that. He was withdrawing £500 a time from his account and also cash on his credit card. Her husband worked in central London and he used to meet them during the day at lunch time or after work saying he was working late. He's now an ex.

Yes, I,ve just read this. Doesnt look good. It's highly evasive and sends out another red Flag. I dont envy OP

You need to have the same fun money ... all the rest in a shared pot for bills, food etc.

we have separate finances but do the budget together and account for every pound then split the bills according to percentage of income. What’s left in our accounts is ours to do as we please.
if I were you I would put together my own budget, you must have bills and mortgage statements you can see and work out the costs. .
if your husband isn’t letting you see the bills and mortgage statements then I think he is being financially abusive and you should consider leaving. I wouldn’t allow myself to be manipulated like that where as an adult I wasn’t allowed to look at my own bills.

January?? NO - absolutely not January! Now.
Otherwise it will be maybe next July or never.!
He really has an inflated opinion of his worth .
But you need to pin him down now - his reply is not good enough at all!
He needs a sharp big shock - you tell him a few home truths.
Call Women's Aid. If he gets nasty call police.
You would still have right to half the house if you are married for several years and the children's needs will be taken into account as well.
Do not give him time to become even more of a weasel though.

OP, after his last outburst, please, please, PLEASE, get yourself to a solicitor as a MATTER OF URGENCY!!

While you were away, you can bet that he was busy doing whatever he could to hide any money he has, as he clearly has no intention of showing you his account details. So now as others have said, you are playing catch up.

Now is NOT the time to dwell on the breakdown of your marriage, there will be plenty of time to do that once you've set the legal wheels in motion for a divorce, although I have a feeling the only thing you will be grieving is the fact that you let him string you along for as long as he has done. So, once again please:

BOOK AN EMERGENCY APPOINTMENT TO SEE A SOLICITOR, NOW!

I would create a spreadsheet of your contributions then ask him to fill in his and discuss

Hope your ok op,