My husband wants me to pay more towards the bills…

[ZiggyNiko]

I’d really appreciate some outside perspective because I’m starting to feel like I’m being unreasonable, but I’m not sure.
My husband earns around £4,000 a month and I earn around £1,500. I only work 3 days a week because our youngest isn’t at nursery yet, so increasing my hours isn’t really an option at the moment.
We don’t have a mortgage, but my husband wants me to take over the council tax and electricity, which come to around £500 a month combined.
I already pay approximately £500 a month for groceries, as well as paying for our two children’s activities, days out, clothes, and various other expenses for them.
When we go on holiday, say a £4,000 holiday, I’ll usually contribute around £1,000. Even that is difficult for me on my income.
My husband says he runs out of money every month, but the problem is that I have no idea where his money is going. He doesn’t seem willing to sit down and go through the finances with me and explain what he’s spending it on.
What really bothers me is that he somehow has the money for an annual £1,000 golf trip, while telling me that he doesn’t have enough money and that I should take on more household bills.
I’m not saying he shouldn’t have hobbies or spend money on himself. But given the huge difference in our incomes, and the fact that I’m working reduced hours partly because of childcare, I feel like our finances should be looked at as a household rather than simply splitting bills.
Am I being unreasonable for thinking he should be contributing significantly more to the household expenses?

You have been married 18 years and your finances are separate?
Thats not at all reasonable and given your income disparity very unfair.
Tell him everything’s going into one pot and you’ll have weekly finance sessions together.
Who is in charge of savings and whose name is it in? I assume you don’t have any pension?

edit. Just read your post. That’s not on. The house thing is simply a lie - lawyers fault my arse - and can be easily fixed. You need to understand your money. Especially if he’s run over by a bus !

I was dipping into my savings during my mat leave.
We both paid same amount of money for the house deposit however only his name is on the deeds. I’ve questioned him many times about it- apparently lawyers fault. I don’t have access to his psyches, bank accounts, anything. I do feel like this all unfair to me.

This happened to a friend of mine and it turned out he was a gambler nearly £50k in debt. You are married there is no his and yours - your finances are legally merged. If you want to contribute it should be proportional to your income. If you earn 20% of the household income, you pay 20% of the bills.. wtf. You are struggling financially while he is sitting on £4k and not contributing towards the kids? That’s just weird. I would tell him divorce is more expensive 🤷

Came on to say this. I don’t understand what a marriage is if it’s not a partnership?

I know you say dh, but are you actually married?

I really hope this is a wind up rather than real, because otherwise it’s very sad.

That’s a huge problem with the deeds that needs rectified ASAP!!!!

and I wouldn’t be leaving it to him go ‘sort’

Yes, we got married in 2008.

fucking hell!!! Don't tell me, he does next to no parenting as well and sees the kids as your responsibility

Are these amounts before or after tax?

We both put a pro-rata amount into a joint account for all household and child-related expenses. Could that work for you? We top
it up as needed.

Maybe it’s £750 for you and £2000 for him? (each pays 50% of their money) Or £1000 for you and £2600 for him? (Each pays 2/3 of their money.)

Or just work out your total expenses and you pay in 37.5% of that amount since you earn 37.5% of what he does, and he pays on the rest each month?

That way joint expenses are fairly covered and you each have some money of your own to pay for what you want. If I earned 4K a month I would want to be able to go on the odd golfing holiday.

He’s been meaning to correct that „mistake” but he’s feeling bad to spend £300 to pay the lawyers to rectify that.
mer both spent same amount of money for that deposit so I feel like being taken for a fool. Not a nice feeling considering we’ve been together for so long and have 2 kids.

Mate if he's pulling £4k a month and runs out of money you've got 4 options

1. he's drinking/drugging it way
2. another family/he's a sugar daddy
3. gambling
4. he's recording the greatest rock and roll album ever, buying studio time and great session musicians

I personally think it's some 19 year old in a flat somewhere

Edir
Forgot to say I am male and personally, if I could have the balls to ask for more money when I was pulling in 48k a year... I'd have the greatest rock and roll album ever

petrol for work, any loans or credit cards?

sky tv, subscriptions, car insurance, house insurance, water…

I feel like you aren’t considering a tonne of stuff

Doesn't OP's earnings equal 37% of her DH?

I have just read about your mortgage deeds, this is something you need to sort asap. Get some legal advice

Unfortunately so. He wanted a second child, I didn’t. I love our little one so much and not regret having him but all responsibility of looking after them is on me.

LEAVE - AND DONT BUY A HOUSE WITH HIM.

Why are you covering nursery fees for a child you both have?

I agree with everyone else that you should not be paying anything without transparency about your financial situation.

I am so sorry OP. He has been taking advantage of you all these years and is financially abusive and controlling too, from the sounds of it 😔😔

Is there any paper trail of your share of the house deposit being transferred to him / the payee’s bank account during the house purchase?

Sadly, there are many women on Mumsnet who, after contributing financially to the household for decades, and raising a couple of children, are left high and dry when the husband either haves an affair or simply decides he now wants to split, with the woman having no protection whatsoever as she was never on the deeds, or aware of the financial circumstances.

I would highly recommend you look into this, as you’re in a very vulnerable position. The fact that your husband won’t sit down to talk openly about finances with you, says a lot about the situation.

I've seen this so many times it has actually left me with jarringly old-fashioned-sounding views on heterosexual marriage. At this point I would expect a man to gladly cover all bills and encourage me to keep my own salary as fun money/personal savings. Over and over again I have seen women being terrorised and ruined by their secret gambler/coke fiend/ruinous hobby husbands and I know it sounds dreadful but I would find it offputting if a male partner ever expected a penny from me.

Lawyers don’t forget to put someone on the deeds. At least it’s a long marriage which should financially protect you a bit I think.

this man is selfish and abusing the finances.

your answer is no, you can’t afford more.

he has got a secret spend or a secret savings, and no respect for you.

Housing (rent/mortgage)
council tax
water rates
buildings and contents insurance
elec
gas
tv subscriptions
telephone/broadband
gifts
holidays
clothes
haircuts
dental/optical
childcare fees
pension
savings
outings, trips, meals out
school costs (trips, uniform, shoes, lunch, wraparound care)
clubs
car costs - insurance, maintenance, fuel
pet costs

as a contributing partner, you should know roughly what each of these categories cost per month.

He didn’t want our son to go to this particular nursery so he said it’s my responsibility to pay for it.

First post, as always, nails it.

Funny how men never want to pool finances ... Because the majority of them earn more than their woman...

They don't see womens work/domestic duties/childcare as labour that deserves any payment.

I agree with the poster who said you should pool your finances.

and that this is financial abuse.

calculate the cost of caring for the children per hour comparable to a child minder, and bill him for it against his income. To make a point.

he could not go to work if you did not look after the children.

You need a joint account, all money goes in, bills come out, kids money left in and you both take out equal ‘fun money’. Total transparent with everything except the fun money which is yours to do what you want with.

All of our bills, expenses (transport, food, house, cleaning, healthcare, insurances, phones etc) come to around £2300 a month. Obviously we don’t pay childcare or kids clubs etc. So that would be on top. But to be spending £5,500 a month is quite a bit of money.

No way in hell would I have gone part time without full access to my husbands accounts and full budget done monthly.