My husband wants me to pay more towards the bills…

[ZiggyNiko]

I’d really appreciate some outside perspective because I’m starting to feel like I’m being unreasonable, but I’m not sure.
My husband earns around £4,000 a month and I earn around £1,500. I only work 3 days a week because our youngest isn’t at nursery yet, so increasing my hours isn’t really an option at the moment.
We don’t have a mortgage, but my husband wants me to take over the council tax and electricity, which come to around £500 a month combined.
I already pay approximately £500 a month for groceries, as well as paying for our two children’s activities, days out, clothes, and various other expenses for them.
When we go on holiday, say a £4,000 holiday, I’ll usually contribute around £1,000. Even that is difficult for me on my income.
My husband says he runs out of money every month, but the problem is that I have no idea where his money is going. He doesn’t seem willing to sit down and go through the finances with me and explain what he’s spending it on.
What really bothers me is that he somehow has the money for an annual £1,000 golf trip, while telling me that he doesn’t have enough money and that I should take on more household bills.
I’m not saying he shouldn’t have hobbies or spend money on himself. But given the huge difference in our incomes, and the fact that I’m working reduced hours partly because of childcare, I feel like our finances should be looked at as a household rather than simply splitting bills.
Am I being unreasonable for thinking he should be contributing significantly more to the household expenses?

This does not make sense at all. A husband earning £4,000 a month with no mortgage should not be asking his wife to pay anything at all, for anything. Your money should go on things for you and the kids. I would be wary as to where he is using his money, because it is not on you

Why are they getting a bad deal??
I gave up work for 15 years and never paid a penny towards anything!
Once back to work I only pay £100 a month for one bill, I still only pay one bill after being back in work for the last 20 years!!
Everything else is mine to do as I please with!

Well this clearly isn't the case in this situation and in many situations. Lots of threads on here were the woman is restricted to finance or has to work part time and made to pay beyond there means.

You gave up work and was financed- was it joint account? How did you buy anything? Was you given an allowance? This doesn't relate to the OPs situation

We don't put ALL our money in one pot BUT we put a proportionate amount into one pot out of which comes all the boring and essential stuff and then we have our own money to spend as we wish so we can still surprise each other at Christmas.

When he earned much more than me when I was 3 days a week and he worked 5, I put in e.g. if we'd been on the same hourly rate: £600 when he put in £1000.

Before our children were born we put in 50/50, this changed.

Your calculations just seem to be worked out what your husband thinks is a good idea. Not on what's fair or equitable. Sort that out pronto.

As far as I know you need evidence of contributing towards bills and that will suffice.
But name not on deeds and not doing anything about it is red flag.

@ZiggyNiko - you dh cannot demand more money from you if he isn’t willing to sit down and work through the family finances properly. You both need to know where all the money is going - but I suspect he doesn’t want you to know what he is frittering money on.

Early on in our life together, dh and I sat down and made a budget that included all the fixed bills first, and then split up what was left into sums for things like food, clothing, car expenses, family fun and individual allowances for each of us. Money could move between these budgets - if there was a higher than expected petrol bill, we could take money from family fun, for example.

Having my own weekly allowance for frittering (because there’s nothing wrong with a bit of frittering, as long as you can afford it) meant I had to keep track of what I spent, and didn’t overspend.

My dad has immense money problems. No drink or drug issues, no flash car, nothing material to his name at all. No gambling. No prostitutes.

But he does have what I imagine is a sex addiction (well, I try to imagine as little as possible about it). He has endless women on the go. He has a type - wealthy, blonde middle aged widows or divorcées. The only place his money goes is on courting these women. I actually think the bloody petrol takes up the biggest chunk of his spending - he has them spread across the country to minimise risk of them finding out about each other I suppose.

What I’m trying to say is don’t underestimate the amount of money a man can fritter away on things like this. It’s mind boggling but entirely possible.

As an aside it was non negotiable to me when thinking about marriage that all money was shared with equal access to monthly income. Then all excess is either put into the house or saved in accounts in my name only. Of course the savings are in reality equally both of ours - we have equal say over where it’s spent, and I would imagine if we divorced they would be marital assets? But in any case, I want control over it because like fuck am I ever going to allow myself to be financially ruined like my dad did to my mum, and I don’t particularly care if I’m being unreasonable in how I’m going about that. I will counsel my daughter to do the same.

FWIW, my husband would rather walk over broken glass than ask me for money. I also didn’t find it remotely difficult to find men who were very happy to be the ones to pay for everything back when I was dating (I’m in my late 20s so not a million years ago…). I’d never have contemplated being with a man who wanted me to pay for things or who wasn’t happy with the idea of having shared money. Equally I’d never have contemplated being with a man who was not good with money, frugal, etc. - I could only ever have learnt this lesson from witnessing what happened to my mum, so I’m in some bizarre way grateful to my dad for this.

Hi @ZiggyNiko
I've read all your replies, but not everyone else's comments, so sorry if this is a repeat of something someone else said.

I agree this is a symptom of something else, so addressing the immediate issue of finances won't solve anything but...

1. if it's only £300 for the solicitor, find £300 yourself somehow and tell him you will pay for it
2. whether he accepts or stalls again, you can get 30 mins free legal advice from many (all?) solicitors
3. keep a record, if you haven't already, of everything you've given up/spent for the household and evidence. Eg deposit, how much you "cost" for two days a week parenting (the same cost as two days a week employment), clothes for the children etc. I'm not at all experienced or knowledgeable to say, but I think it'll give you better protection if you have this, if this ends up going south
4. if you succeed in getting him to sit down and talk about finances, can I suggest you both put an equal propotion into a joint account for all bills

Your husband has royally pissed me off! Sending solidarity 🫂

My heart hurt reading your post. You seem like a lovely genuine person. Who has somehow fallen for an absolute bell end. You don't deserve this!

I really hope you get to the bottom of this, and you have the support around you when you do! I personally would put off going on holidays until you know where you stand, then go to get a break from what you might find.

I don’t usually get upset over posts, but reading about how your husband treats you has made me angry on your behalf. He strings you along whichever way he likes.

It looks like you are opening your eyes to it now, great! You have two weeks to wrap your head around who he is and to tey and stop being gullible and taking his excuses seriously.

I wrote my last comment whilst distracted and didn’t notice how my tone sounded like I was chiding you for your choice of husband - I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that at all. My only intention was to reassure you that ime the way your husband behaves is NOT the norm and you are most definitely not unreasonable for being unhappy with your situation

I say this because I’m sure your husband will try and convince you that all men act like he does - they very much don’t.

No! 40 years and still separate bank accounts. It suites us better that way. We might be married but we are still individuals. He spends a ridiculous amount of money on his hobby and I don’t care. I probably would if it was half my money.

You are a partnership. There is no such thing as your money my money in a marriage. You should be organising your money together. You need a written plan - a budget. Emergency fund of approximately 6 months expenses. Long term savings/pension/investment. Enveloping for holidays and fun things!

Me and DH only managed to get out of debt and sort our finances out when we combined our money into one pot and created an actual budget.
he earns a lot more than me but now we work together on our finances and life is so much better.

that’s what budgeting ‘fun money’ each is for. Individual accounts didn’t work for us because although he earns more he would blow money on hobbies and build up debt and we could never get ahead on debt or investing etc. plus if you lose your job he will be expected to support you rather than benefits because you are a unit, not an individual.

@ZiggyNiko how are you today?

Divorce him

If he wont sit down and discuss i would put a spreadsheet together of any and all household expenditure
Gas / elec
Phones
Broadband
TV
Water
Coincil tax
Kids clothes this will be based on any uniform as well as own clothes
Kids shoes
Food weekly
Car tax
Car insurance
Car payment if one
Petrol
Home insurance
Kids clubs
Childcare
Holidays - whats your average spend on going away and expenses while away as a family
Birthday / christmas gifts ( set budgetted amounts for all family memebers apart from each other - gifts for each other come soley from your own money)
Birthday parties for kids ( this would be a budget)

Etc then total this make sure you break it down monthly if any costs are yearly

Once you have done this split costs based on your income so household income is £5500 and you bring in 27.28% so either round down to 27% or up to 27.5% you pay that into an account he pays in 73% this account is used purely to cover all above costs for the family and home and nothing more what you then have left is for yourselves and noone is being financialy abused you are covering family costs equal to income earnings.

ifyou just did the % based on income you pay in £ 1095 and are left with £405 per month for saving / going out ( based on 27% ). He pays in £2920 leaving him £1080 but if you do thr above and your expenses exceed £4015 per month for everything then this is why you need to do it on how much is required to cover every family expense

So say your full expenses are £4800 then you would need to put in £1104 and him £3504

Once you have done this detail ask him again to sit down and sort the matter with him and present the evidence if he refuses then you dont pay more until he agrees to.

There will always be a disparity of his spare income to yours but its either this fair way or all incomes go into a joint account and whatever is spare cash at all is for both of you no matter what this is what me and DH do all our accounts are joint nothing is seprate and if we want to buy something we do we only discuss anything thats a financial big cost

Yes my husband added me to his account and I had full access to get anything me and my children wanted or needed, no allowance, I still had my own bank account and the child benefit went into it!

I hope you are ok , I imagine being the type of man he is he has managed to worm his way out of this with pathetic excuses or turning it around on you

Thst is financial abuse. Your husband financialy abuses you. Please see lawyer asap and find out about your rights. Dont tell him. Its not to stir anything but just to know whats right whats wrong.

If they’re married all assets are joint.

my house is in my sole name but dh could get half if we split, same as I’d get half of anything in his name.

This. It’s why marriage is important before reducing hours / giving up work when the children come. If the OP was an unmarried partner in this situation, she’d be completely screwed.

@ZiggyNiko how are you doing?

Yeah, us too!
All this piling it all into one account is odd and old fashioned.
We are like you.
Joint "bills" account where all the usual DDs go out of, we both put the same in a month, to more than cover this and leaves a "float" of approx £500 a month for extras, meals out, etc.
Kids school food comes out of that too.

We both then keep to ourselves what's left from our wages. Our own car stuff comes out of those, tax, Ins etc.
My wife was on way more than me at one point, and that was fine. Then I was on more than her. At one point we had the same monthly income.
If one of us is skint at the end of the month, then the other will bail them out. I gave her £800 to pay her credit card once, as she had been building it up with her own stuff.
It all works perfectly well for us!