My husband wants me to pay more towards the bills…

[ZiggyNiko]

I’d really appreciate some outside perspective because I’m starting to feel like I’m being unreasonable, but I’m not sure.
My husband earns around £4,000 a month and I earn around £1,500. I only work 3 days a week because our youngest isn’t at nursery yet, so increasing my hours isn’t really an option at the moment.
We don’t have a mortgage, but my husband wants me to take over the council tax and electricity, which come to around £500 a month combined.
I already pay approximately £500 a month for groceries, as well as paying for our two children’s activities, days out, clothes, and various other expenses for them.
When we go on holiday, say a £4,000 holiday, I’ll usually contribute around £1,000. Even that is difficult for me on my income.
My husband says he runs out of money every month, but the problem is that I have no idea where his money is going. He doesn’t seem willing to sit down and go through the finances with me and explain what he’s spending it on.
What really bothers me is that he somehow has the money for an annual £1,000 golf trip, while telling me that he doesn’t have enough money and that I should take on more household bills.
I’m not saying he shouldn’t have hobbies or spend money on himself. But given the huge difference in our incomes, and the fact that I’m working reduced hours partly because of childcare, I feel like our finances should be looked at as a household rather than simply splitting bills.
Am I being unreasonable for thinking he should be contributing significantly more to the household expenses?

It always seems bizarre to me that couples are willing to share literal human beings between them (children) but sharing finances is (gasp!) just a step too far. I understand with child-free couples, and of course with second marriages things are more complicated, but if you're willing to have children together, surely you should be willing to pool your finances and operate as a team.

And it's always women who get screwed over in these situations, with their husband earning more but expecting them to pay 50/50, with them not even knowing how much he earns, with them being expected to pay for all the children's things, with them scrimping every month while he blows money on his expensive hobbies...

If a man is happy to see you go without, or have less spending money than him each month, then he doesn't love you. It's that simple.

OP - This isn’t just about finances though is it

He does nothing with the children ,
you do everything in the house
washing,cooking,bedtime,drop off’s,
kids activities everything

You run the house alone , he’s like lodger

I bet he finds time to go to golf on one day at the weekend ?

please wake up and smell the coffee, get some self esteem back and stand up fir yourself and children . What would you say to your son when he’s married and his wife told you this exact story ???

You are not on the deeds for a reason, OP. He clearly does not want you to know if he borrows against the house. You need to get to the bottom of this asap.

She can't leave while she's not on the deeds of the house.

No way in a million years was that a lawyer's mistake. But it needs fixing NOW.

@ZiggyNiko

This (☝🏻☝🏻☝🏻☝🏻☝🏻☝🏻☝🏻) is great advice!!!!

You say you paid for the house deposit but mentioned earlier that there is no mortgage....so who paid for the house in full? Do you mean you both paid for half of the house from savings?.

I worked 3 days a week like you, I made a list of the bills and split it according to what we earned, so I paid a third, my husband 2 thirds. We don't have a mortgage, we have never had a joint account as my first husband left me with huge debts.
If there is any big bills, usually falls to me, as I am better saving than he is, after 22 years of marriage it's never been an issue.
Have to say I would be saying no to.your husband , your been taken advantage of, it's time to start asking where his money.is going and if need be he needs to tighten his belt.

If you have no mortgage why you can't afford to pay the bills on a combined salary of £5,500??? He is lying.

This is a huge mess that you need to take way more seriously than you're currently doing. Do not agree to pay more until your name is on the deeds to the house, and the two of you have sat down to do a budget together where he is completely transparent with all incomes and outgoings. And you should be paying no more than an amount proportionate to your share of the total income.
I fear your husband is financially abusing you and you need to advocate for yourself instead of letting it all slide as you're currently doing.

https://www.gov.uk/government/organisations/land-registry

PLEASE do this before you go to Spain, he could get up to all sorts whilst you are away, which is probably why he is not coming with you!

Yes it’s unreasonable for him to expect you to pay that much and all the extras. Does he pay rent if you don’t have a mortgage, or have you paid off the mortgage?
also are you sure council tax is £300? That seems a very high amount. You definitely both need to sit down and go through what you spend as a household and put money into a pot. Not all of it! You need your own money too as it sounds as if he’s either got a gambling problem or a spendaholic to run out of money when he earns 4k a month

Why did he want the second child so much if he doesn’t do anything with them?

There's no way on earth that the conveyancing was a mistake. In the shatteringly unlikely event that it was, your husband could have pointed out that your name wasn't on the contract and Transfer when he signed them.

we calculate all of the shared outgoings - mortgage, bills, food, childcare, let’s say your costs £2000 total. Then we calculate the percentage of our earnings, so for you you bring in 1500 of 6000 so that’s 25%. Then we each pay that percentage of the outgoings into a joint account. So you would pay £500 and he would pay £1500 of the total outgoings.

Absolutely!
Our parents married in 1960. On returning from honeymoon Daddy took Mammy into the bank to make his account a joint one. Plus he insisted she have an account in her own name and he paid into it each month. This was because he didn't believe in wives having to ask for money from Hubs, if they wanted to buy something for themselves.
Sixty-six years ago, and a Farmer from rural Wales treated his wife better than 'modern' men.

Yes you need to sit down together and both be transparent about all your spending, maybe start pooling your money but keep some in savings too. Keep a secret pot for yourself too,

He may have remortgages the home without your knowledge.

This seems to be a recurring theme with most women!
They're the ones who choose to stay at home with the kids.
These are the ones who only go back to work part time.
These are the ones who retire early.
These are the ones who WANT to share the money.
All while the poor old husbands work full time and long hours!
These are the same women that never drive long journeys when going away, don't drive at night, etc. Also quite happy to let the man do all the work! 😠
You're still bitter after all that that he saves his money. I can see your grabbing hands want to get at that too!
Do you work for Labour?! 😆

Been married 20 years, we have never combined finances and it works for us. We have a joint account for bills, mortgage and a joint savings. Once my monthly percentage has gone over we divvy it into both pots. If I get a wage increase or bonus, I usually stick it in our savings account, my DH does the same with overtime and bonuses. What we have left over each month, we spend as we like, no questions asked and we treat each other all the time. Anything we have left over at the end of the month will go into the joint savings account. We spend differently, DH is a lot more frugal than I am and won’t buy the simplest of things that we need sometimes and we like different things and have different hobbies. I buy my own clothes, pay for my own hair etc. I don’t want to be taking money out of a joint pot to do those things for myself. I use my own money for that. We are both aware of what we get each month and totally transparent. We both work full time and I am the lower earner so I make up for this by doing the bulk of the house work and school admin side. DH does the general finances as he’s frugal and very good at budgeting and investing. I grew up watching my dad slave away contracting overseas and my mum making him hand over the money each month. She would dole it out and give him pocket money for an afternoon at the pub. He would always have to ask for money for new clothes and had to ask permission to buy things and my mum controlled it all. I never liked this and she treated him like a child. I have never wanted that for myself.
In this instance, you need transparency and to know exactly what his money is going on. That is a huge amount to go through in a month!

Exactly! My parents married in 1950 and my father did this. They always had a joint account and my mother's account.
We married in 1995. We put all our money in a joint account and each had a personal account into which an equal amount was paid each month. When the children were little, i didn't work. Later i earned more. Now my husband is ill and I support us both. It's a marriage- that's how it's supposed to work!

OP this isn't very useful to you now - but perhaps gives some perspective on what you should expect in a marriage. I hope you find a way to live together more fairly

Why aren’t you putting it all in a joint account?

I never get these sort of arrangements (friends say their dh’s give them an ‘allowance’ to top up their earnings- these are well-off people ffs!).

I have my own savings but as far as income goes, we’ve had a joint account since we married. There’s been times I haven’t worked due to having young children, both of us have been made redundant in the past etc.

In answer to your question, yes your DH is being unreasonable and controlling. You say you don’t have a mortgage so where is the money going?

Did she work, probably not?

Good for your Father.
It was rare back then - Mammy's Mother and Sister didn't have joint or personal accounts.
In the 90's I had a client whose husband had died - she didn't know how to write a cheque (even though it was a joint a/c), use a cash point or put fuel in the car.
I closed early one afternoon so I could spend time with her and show her.

I think you'll find that Gen Z are choosing not to have children or go straight back to work @CauseImMrDarkside there are allowances now to ensure they do!

Student debt is a big concern and our birth rate is dropping.

Men have much less to do in their working life. Their careers are longer as they are not judged on aging. A silver fox is fine at senior management level, a female 60 year old CEO ( I am one) is treated very differently.
Men have more opportunities, if they have a SAHM behind them. I've yet to meet a man with a wife doing a comparable level job unless they are lawyers.
My DC grew up with my husband doing a local job to be able to do pick ups. He was worth so much more than that but he loves his family and something has to give. If men could put aside their egos it might be a start. I have plenty of friends husbands who don't like me because I challenge their position or they thing I might influence their wives. A dinner party with new people is always fun. So before a male tells me we women are grabby have a think about the trade off and opportunities men still get over women. It's still a man's world and look at the state of it!

No it doesn’t.