My husband wants me to pay more towards the bills…

[ZiggyNiko]

I’d really appreciate some outside perspective because I’m starting to feel like I’m being unreasonable, but I’m not sure.
My husband earns around £4,000 a month and I earn around £1,500. I only work 3 days a week because our youngest isn’t at nursery yet, so increasing my hours isn’t really an option at the moment.
We don’t have a mortgage, but my husband wants me to take over the council tax and electricity, which come to around £500 a month combined.
I already pay approximately £500 a month for groceries, as well as paying for our two children’s activities, days out, clothes, and various other expenses for them.
When we go on holiday, say a £4,000 holiday, I’ll usually contribute around £1,000. Even that is difficult for me on my income.
My husband says he runs out of money every month, but the problem is that I have no idea where his money is going. He doesn’t seem willing to sit down and go through the finances with me and explain what he’s spending it on.
What really bothers me is that he somehow has the money for an annual £1,000 golf trip, while telling me that he doesn’t have enough money and that I should take on more household bills.
I’m not saying he shouldn’t have hobbies or spend money on himself. But given the huge difference in our incomes, and the fact that I’m working reduced hours partly because of childcare, I feel like our finances should be looked at as a household rather than simply splitting bills.
Am I being unreasonable for thinking he should be contributing significantly more to the household expenses?

Get your name on the deeds and then divorce the prick.

I have read all your posts OP and Im sorry you are enduring the slow decay this kind of marriage can bring. It sounds like he has a coke problem? Or having an affair with an expensive woman. Cash withdrawals will show on his statement - get all of his statements and hold your ground. If you have no mortgage then where the f is his money going? But yes as other posters have said he sounds abusive and you sound worn down.

When my children were younger, we had a similar set up as I paid for groceries and DH paid bills. It worked for us (and we still largely do things like this except I pay towards the mortgage we now have). It’s unfair of him to expect you to now take on the two largest household bills as well (council tax and electricity). He needs to be open about his spending and you need to be on your house deeds (massive red flag!).

I think a farmer's wife definitely worked!

I would be concerned that he has a hidden drain on his money. Could he be a secret gambler? You seem to be carrying a disproportionate amount of the family bills.

You say YOUR Son like its not both your child?

You pay for it then! See what he says then, or just tell him you would get half in a divorce anyway if that's how you want to play it?

Nah. Not bitter at all, just rubbish with money and jealous of his sense 🤷🏻‍♀️

My husband is pretty great in a lot of ways (money and openness for sure but definitely annoying in others!!)

We didn’t have a choice about my going back to work after birth trauma - that choice was taken away by ill health but I was an MA qualified high earner (same as him). Before getting pregnant the discussion had been had about one of us having a career break with the wee person - we hadn’t decided which of us and then childbirth was nearly fatal and I was left with a lot of problems. So I didn’t choose it but we are a team and a unit.

Regardless of which of us stayed at home and which worked outside the house both were working. Where we live childcare costs are high and availablity limited, without me at home my other half couldn’t have put in lots of hours to gain promotion, worked late etc AND had capacity to be an engaged and wonderful parent, we don’t even have breakfast or after school clubs!

We did that together - each playing a part - so should both benefit financially and emotionally from the safety and security of a lovely warm home life and secure future.

and no I don’t work for Labour, I work for a small charity that helps people directly and is flexible with hours around our children.

you sound a bit bitter tbh

My God! It's gone from should I pay more to the household bills to he's getting it on with sex workers!!
Just fucking divorce him and pay your own bills!!

Without knowing your bills it's hard to say

I'd add golf to that list, too. The membership at my local club is £1,500 a year, one a few miles away is over £2k.

It's an expensive hobby, a friend found that her DH was spending over £3k pa on golf, not including the membership fees.

If you want to work it out fairly, you both need to sit down with a spreadsheet and collate all the outgoings. Then work out the percentage spilt. 4k vs 1.5k. Your 1.5k would be 27% of the income so you could pay 27% of the outgoings.
My husband and i have done this recently as I earn more then him. Our spilt is 60% me vs 40% him. We worked it out that 40% of our outgoings was the mortgage so he pays that and I pay everything else. When my husband earnt more then me, he did not want to do this which I resented as I was paying more then I should be I think. This would give transparency of where your husband's money is going and cuts can be made but also does raise some interesting questions sometimes.

Just read this about the deeds. You need to get the solicitors to sort this ASAP. No as a matter of urgency. Use the first non earmarked 500 to pay to get this sorted as your name is not on that property

Why does he suddenly want you to take on these extra bills, OP? Don't do it!

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. You’re earning less partly because you’re working around childcare, so I don’t think it makes much sense to simply split household bills as though you have the same financial capacity. You’re already spending £500 on groceries and covering quite a lot of the children’s costs, on top of contributing towards holidays.
What would concern me more is that he says he’s running out of money but won’t actually sit down with you and go through the household finances, while somehow finding £1,000 for a golf trip. I’m not saying he shouldn’t have that money to spend on himself, but then he can’t really argue that you need to take on another £500 of household bills without looking at the bigger picture. I’d want to see both incomes and all the outgoings together and agree on what is fair as a household, rather than just moving individual bills from one person to the other.

A marriage is a partnership, not a transaction. Your marriage appears to be transactional and therefore the partnership has been lost. The joint venture is based on individuals and Knott partnership.
Opening your eyes to this will be very painful for you and in time your children because what it means is the partnership is over.
You need to keep all the evidence of what you pay towards because inevitably this is ending and divorce.
What do you really think he will be doing when you are visiting your parents for two weeks and he says he can’t get any time off work?
It does not seem believable.
Make plans to get out before this gets even more painful for you and your children and while you are with your parents I suggest you spend some of that time thinking how and when you’re going to do this.

So many red flags.

the solicitor will not have made a mistake with the deeds and would have to rectify the error for free if that had happened

he earns way more than you yet has you skint because you’re paying a high proportion of household expenses

you are penalised financially because you had a second child against your own wishes

how convenient he disapproves of the nursery so won’t pay

No transparency in finances.

not coming on the family holiday

OP, I hope you have a wonderful time away with your children and come back ready to get this sorted

OP I’m so sorry. He is cheating and either paying for another woman or prostitutes. This is where the money is going.
You need to leave ( or rather him leave). Start by getting advice on the house. I’ve heard something about applying for a „do not sell“ restriction but hopefully you can ask a new question for advice on this and getting the deeds in your name before you act. Do you have British citizenship? Make sure that is sorted too if not.

Unless they already have a nest egg of their own and know how to negotiate for themselves!

I do wonder if that's a thread I created (although we were married at the time). He earned shed loads more than me, but insisted everything was split 50/50, even though that often left me overdrawn immediately after payday. On occasions I had to borrow petrol money from my Dad.

He often complained that our social life was limited by my lack of funds, but it never crossed his mind to help me out. Thankfully we split before any children came along, he often commented that I'd need to save up to fund any maternity leave.

But women (me included) are often so worried about being called gold diggers that we tolerate situations like this.

My new DH and I have joint finances. It works far better.

You either put all money in one pot or pay proportionately for everything so you pay 33%

PinkEasterbunny

ah lovely it worked out for you, that’s no way to live x

What is the point of being married if you’re not a partnership? Shared finances are surely a significant part of marriage?

Did you manage to speak to him ZiggyNiko ?