My husband wants me to pay more towards the bills…

[ZiggyNiko]

I’d really appreciate some outside perspective because I’m starting to feel like I’m being unreasonable, but I’m not sure.
My husband earns around £4,000 a month and I earn around £1,500. I only work 3 days a week because our youngest isn’t at nursery yet, so increasing my hours isn’t really an option at the moment.
We don’t have a mortgage, but my husband wants me to take over the council tax and electricity, which come to around £500 a month combined.
I already pay approximately £500 a month for groceries, as well as paying for our two children’s activities, days out, clothes, and various other expenses for them.
When we go on holiday, say a £4,000 holiday, I’ll usually contribute around £1,000. Even that is difficult for me on my income.
My husband says he runs out of money every month, but the problem is that I have no idea where his money is going. He doesn’t seem willing to sit down and go through the finances with me and explain what he’s spending it on.
What really bothers me is that he somehow has the money for an annual £1,000 golf trip, while telling me that he doesn’t have enough money and that I should take on more household bills.
I’m not saying he shouldn’t have hobbies or spend money on himself. But given the huge difference in our incomes, and the fact that I’m working reduced hours partly because of childcare, I feel like our finances should be looked at as a household rather than simply splitting bills.
Am I being unreasonable for thinking he should be contributing significantly more to the household expenses?

If you end up going through a divorce he will be made to show these anyway OP as part of financial disclosure by which time obviously it may seem irrelevant but, he will have to.

You’ll find out soon. When they do the divorce he will have to provide 12m of bank statements.

File quickly though to start the ball rolling

He's the one who has let his family down- not you. Even if you don't believe it now you will feel so relieved once you're separated. You got this.❤️‍🩹

Op. Gently, as posters dived off the deep end again

there seems a lot of costs missing from your summary of what he pays , you said, I don’t actually know what he’s spending on expect (at the moment) council tax £300, electricity £200, car lease £600, his phone £20, vape £40. That’s barely £1200

so

buildings and contents insurance
fuel , car insurance , road tax
water/sewage
sky, Netflix, Spotify etc
wifi

does he pay for lunch at work
car service, boiler service, any other on going maintenance costs
‘and so forth , there is a lot of hidden costs in running a home.

Gently, did you read all of OP’s comments?

By verbally abusing you like that, he is emotionally abusing your children.
This is terrible for your children to be exposed to.
See your GP, get it all noted down.

Your children need protection from this.
Start keeping careful notes and ask for recommendations for a rottweiler solicitor for your divorce.

He is a very nasty man that will try to screw you over.
Any hint of aggression, involve the police immediately.

So sorry OP. He's lashing out as you've seen through his behaviour and financial secrecy. The best form of defence is attack and all that. I would suggest getting some legal advice. Sending strength

If that's where the money is going, he has no reason to be so secretive and tell her he'll discuss it in January.

Yes, why?

I agree, it’s very odd. But I suspect his car costs him significantly more than the 600 lease, it has to, and the other things are bills which need paying. Water, sewage, WiFi, can all add up, the ops not said if they’ve sky Netflix etc, if he buys lunches coffees etc, and of course house and buildings insurance, simply there is a lot more costs to running a house than whay the op listed, but it shouldn’t be close to another 3k. So something big is missing.

So, he needs to share that information with her so they can budget, without having a tantrum and becoming verbally abusive, and not just demand that she spends even more of her much smaller income.

Sorry OP - what a piece of shit. He is abusive.

@ZiggyNiko . Now you need to see a solicitor and do what they advise. Don't dither protect yourself and your children.

Just wondering how you came to that conclusion given everything that has been said?

Yes of course he thinks that if he lives clean until then, you’ve won’t see whatever it is he wants to hide. regardless of what it is he is hiding, he’s lying about something and trying to cover it up, which isn’t the basis for a good relationship.

the good thing about you being married is that regardless of who’s in the deeds to the house, it’s still classed as a marital asset so you’ll be entitled to a % of that plus any savings, pensions etc.

You're a family and your income should be pooled into one.

Who knows what all these tactics are an attempt to hide. Hopefully you find out during your divorce in relation to financial disclosure and that he’s not up to his eye balls in debt. Is there anyway you can get access to anything? Have you found a good lawyer?

Get your support circle in place. Family and friends.

Make appointment with a lawyer pronto. You need full financial disclosure. I have no about you will find your anger as to how you’ve been treated then..

Hi OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this. He sounds like a really awful, abusive man, and you will be much happier when you can get yourself and children away from him.

Be very careful now, OP, he will be on his guard, and at his most dangerous.

If you are ever in fear of him hurting you, call the police IMMEDIATELY.

If he starts being verbally abusive, note what he says, and report him to the police. That counts as domestic abuse. Tell them that you are scared of him and what he might do.
Tell them that the children are upset by what he says to you in front of them.
You might be able to apply for an Ouster, which would mean he would have to move out.
Honestly, I'd be reporting him now. Start building a history of his abusive behaviour.

And see a solicitor and file for divorce asap so the current bank statements will need to be submitted on his Form E (financial declaration). There's something in them he doesn't want you to see. Whatever it is, he'll be trying to hide as many assets as he can.
And expect him to get really nasty.

You will get through this, but it's going to be tough.
Good luck OP. 💐💐💐

Which really, is the point, without worrying about the other possible costs. There's still a large hole, which is the crux of the matter, and the additional abusive abd nasty behaviour is just avoidance and deflection which is causing the OP and the children harm.

When we eventually ended up in front of a judge, the first issue was the immediate and regular cash withdrawals my exh had been making, from before we separated right up until the divorce was underway. That got him a roasting. Then trying to avoid declaring one of his pensions- judge gave him 3 days to do it. The financial declaration when I waded through all the statements including the 2 credit cards I didn't know he had, confirmed a lot of my suspicions but helped me get the anger I needed to continue with getting what I was entitled to. Both cards were full of hotel payments, flowers, gifts (we can all guess where they went) lovehoney, restaurants and god knows what else. Mine spent the final months before we separated veering from nasty to gaslighting with pretend concern back to nasty again, deflecting like a maniac. He even 'lost' his phone....twice....

youll be happier without him, go visit family and enjoy yourself. tell them your divorcing so family can help support you.
Make a lawyer appointment to start divorce proceedings, contact child support services for information on financial support for your children.

I'm guessing that, conservatively, if you were able to work full time you would earn around 2.5K a month. You therefore need to point out to your husband that you are already putting £1K into the pot every month over and above everything else, because instead of earning you are giving up your time to look after his children and it would cost a lot more to get child care.

I agree, he's up to no good financially. Your best bet now is to see a solicitor and tell them the whole story. Your H is ahead of you now and you need to play catch up. If he has decided that whatever finances he has that he's wanting to hide is more important than you or his sons, so be it. It's time to protect yourself, and them.

You can do this. You have strength within you that you don't realize you have. Dig deep, you'll find it. You have plenty of time down the road to grieve what has happened. Right now you need to pull yourself together and protect yourself.

Oh bless you and your boys my love.
It is easy for me to say I know, but you WILL get through this.
OP, you and the boys deserve better, much better, nobody should have to live in such a nasty atmosphere. And trust me the children will have been aware.
You are not to blame.
What a brave and strong lady you are, gather your boys close and tell them how much you love them.
You will all be fine.
xxx