FIL - I can’t bare him and his stupid behaviour and I’m close to exploding

[Sovereigns]

I feel like I’m going to snap. I’ve name changed as I’ve spoken to a few people in real life about this and it would be obvious who I am.

My father in law - I’ve never liked him. I don’t know what it is, he has the most annoying face and stupid expressions. He always has to be centre of attention. On our wedding day the person doing the video went over to him and he just stared into it with a stupid grin slowly opening a bottle of wine and it completely ruined the video as it’s so, so annoying. Everyone says so, it’s not just me.

During the summer holidays he’s taken it upon himself to visit every morning to see the kids (unfortunately he only lives a short walk away). He lets himself in through the back door and then just stands there in the kitchen grinning, not saying anything. I’ve started just completely ignoring him until he walks in and speaks like a normal person.

Thing is I can feel myself boiling over with rage. On Friday he came in, stood there not speaking so I ignored him and he suddenly shouted “I’ve Brayed my Bonce!” Baby was asleep, woke up in shock, started crying and I was so annoyed I just snapped and said “Right. Why did you come here then?” Whilst I saw to the baby.

On Saturday DH made a big carrot cake and FIL came in and shouted “where’s my lump?”. DH said we’re not cutting it yet. Later that evening he rang up saying “don’t forget I want a lump”.

Yesterday morning he came around and said “when am I getting my lump?” So I snapped and said “DH will you just cut him some cake please, I’m getting sick of hearing about the fucking thing”. He winds me up more than anyone I have ever met. I’m getting annoyed just writing this post.

This morning he came in - stood in the kitchen grinning with his arm outstretched holding the tub the cake was put in so I snapped “what??? Just put it on the side!! What are you just stood there with it for??”

he put it down and said “right, I assume you’re busy so I’ll leave you to it” and left. Now I’m thinking is it me??

You need to keep your door locked

Yeah I tried that and he just stands there banging on the windows

I used to want to kill my ex FIL so I completely understand, he could incite rage in me like no other human. Lock the door, get some fake hearing aids, tell DH that you're going to end up doing time if he can't set some boundaries with his dad, God knows.... I hear you.

Oh you're going to have to move a long way away....

What does "I've brayed my bonce" mean?
He sounds likey sister's ex-husband, possibly the most annoying person ever to have walked this earth.

You need to move.

I've bumped my head.
I'm presuming you're up north OP?

How attached are you to the area you live?

Lock door, close curtains tell kids to ignore. He can ring and ask if he can come over. Or make sure doors only unlocked when your DH is home abd able to deal with him. He sounds like he needs treating like a child, he certainly behaves like one. Some strict boundaries whilst he re trains his bad habits.

You have 2 options….move, or plan a new patio

And if he stands there knocking at the window, let him. Just completely ignore

Im genuinely not being sarcastic but has he got learning disabilities or something? Is he autistic? Because all of that is so bloody weird! And wtf does “I’ve brayed my bonce” mean?

I assume he has no partner? Otherwise surely he would be home bothering them? I know he's not your responsibility, but is he lonely?

I can sympathise, if I had a choice I wouldn't spend time with my FIL. That said, I have directed him to some activities that 'need his knowledge and expertise' or to take on a new hobby as he 'is still young enough to be really good at it'. That seems to have worked a little. Could you do similar?

He’s really insensitive to atmosphere by the sound of it. Today he finally noticed he’s unwelcome.

Is he retired? Live alone?

Maybe invite him for breakfast on a specific day, Saturdays say, and tell him the rest of the week you’ll be busy getting everyone organised.

He sounds like an absolute weirdo. Who calls a slice of cake a lump?

I have a theory in life that you can work on every emotion apart from irritation. It sounds like you are so irritated by this man that everything he does will now annoy you. I would be exactly the same. From your brief description, it has made me want to kill him! Sorry I have no solutions but you have my sympathy.

Does he need to be the centre of attention usually? Does he think he’s funny?

Waking the baby is wrong, but other than that, what you’ve described sounds like a you problem.
You start by saying you don’t like his face, that’s pathetic and immature. Your DH, if his biological son, will grow older to look like that face.
Doing something he thought funny on a wedding video doesn’t ruin the whole video. “Everyone says so”, really? Or are they pacifying you?
Making the effort to see his grandchildren, how awful. Making a joke about a cake? Yes, a bit irritating to carry on the next day but nothing to cause an argument over.
In some families (such as mine!) it’s normal to pop in and out of each others houses, the door is unlocked. If that’s a problem for you, raise it in a mature way, have a conversation about knocking, or arranging times.
You sound angry and I don’t see how he can be the entire cause of your rage.

She's probably reached the stage where every little thing he does gives her the rage!

Banged his head I would guess.

He’s married to DHs mother, she throws him out for a few hours as he irritates her too. So he wanders around the local shops thinking they’re all his best mates and they can’t stand him either. Honestly he is insufferable but because he’s not outright nasty or abusive nobody feels they have enough to go on to just tell him to fuck off

@Sovereigns
I think you have made the mistake of being too accommodating and then just not being able to take it any longer .
Tell your DH that you are going to have to set some much stricter boundaries and that he needs to chat to his dad. That way hopefully things will improve.

@ContractorQuestion if someone kept letting themselves into my kitchen and standing there staring at me and badgering me for lumps of cake, and shouting and waking a baby, I'd quite quickly find myself pretty rageful too, unless they had very valid mitigating circumstances for it. His face is now associated for OP with the vast annoyance she feels, it's not his face. It's him.

Any chance you’re getting annoyed because your DH might TURN OUT LIKE HIM ? 😬

if all women end up like their mothers … 😂

Is he doing it to be funny and/or for the kids' benefit? I.e. he's Zany Fun Grandad. Do the kids find him funny?

I think that would change how I viewed it tbh. Absolutely set boundaries about when he can come - the popping over all the time would drive me nuts - but if the kids like him and he's been invited I'd put up with it.

Re. the wedding video - can you get a video editor to cut that bit out?

Oh god. Could you tell him you've all got scabies?

Just tell him to text before turning up and when he texts tell him you're busy.

If he turns up without texting you say "Sorry we're busy".