FIL - I can’t bare him and his stupid behaviour and I’m close to exploding

[Sovereigns]

I feel like I’m going to snap. I’ve name changed as I’ve spoken to a few people in real life about this and it would be obvious who I am.

My father in law - I’ve never liked him. I don’t know what it is, he has the most annoying face and stupid expressions. He always has to be centre of attention. On our wedding day the person doing the video went over to him and he just stared into it with a stupid grin slowly opening a bottle of wine and it completely ruined the video as it’s so, so annoying. Everyone says so, it’s not just me.

During the summer holidays he’s taken it upon himself to visit every morning to see the kids (unfortunately he only lives a short walk away). He lets himself in through the back door and then just stands there in the kitchen grinning, not saying anything. I’ve started just completely ignoring him until he walks in and speaks like a normal person.

Thing is I can feel myself boiling over with rage. On Friday he came in, stood there not speaking so I ignored him and he suddenly shouted “I’ve Brayed my Bonce!” Baby was asleep, woke up in shock, started crying and I was so annoyed I just snapped and said “Right. Why did you come here then?” Whilst I saw to the baby.

On Saturday DH made a big carrot cake and FIL came in and shouted “where’s my lump?”. DH said we’re not cutting it yet. Later that evening he rang up saying “don’t forget I want a lump”.

Yesterday morning he came around and said “when am I getting my lump?” So I snapped and said “DH will you just cut him some cake please, I’m getting sick of hearing about the fucking thing”. He winds me up more than anyone I have ever met. I’m getting annoyed just writing this post.

This morning he came in - stood in the kitchen grinning with his arm outstretched holding the tub the cake was put in so I snapped “what??? Just put it on the side!! What are you just stood there with it for??”

he put it down and said “right, I assume you’re busy so I’ll leave you to it” and left. Now I’m thinking is it me??

I can tell you’re at the end of your tether so shouldn’t have laughed out loud but I couldn’t help it, sorry. Your MIL booting him out because he’s so irritating, so he either comes to yours and stands there grinning inanely without actually saying anything. Or worse he inflicts this behaviour on random people at the shop?! And he hasn’t picked up on the fact that no one really likes him yet? Even your DC flee when he turns up like “fucks sake, Grandad’s here, better hide”.

I realise some people have zero self awareness but he takes the biscuit.

No she doesn't sound like a nasty piece of work. You do, though. She sounds like a woman at the end of her tether.

He sounds absolutely insufferable. Who the hell turns up uninvited every single morning to harass his DIL because his own wife is sick of him and throws him out.

I would need to move, I wouldn't be able to stand it. Why is it always these older men that are like this? Oblivious to how annoying they are. I'm really bloody thankful for my own FIl, everyone who meets him loves him. Sorry OP.

Ha ha, believe me, I have- and please be assured I've made my displeasure known.

OK. You need to tell DH he sorts this out, or you will. And your way won’t be pretty.

He speaks to FIL/MIL and explains nobody is to rock up unannounced or uninvited. If it keeps happening, you are going to move far away. Hopefully the threat will be enough?

I could not live like this, I really couldn’t.

Someone who doesnt know what to do with himself, who doesnt know how to make or maintain social connections but is trying to connect? Someone who cant pick up the cues that tell him he's not welcome?

Your poor DH, it must be awful for him. Imagine having a dad that everyone can't stand, how do you think he feels? His dad is annoying, but he's not a monster. I have an uncle like this, he has a fixed grin and rocks back on forth on his heels. Has poor volume control, and little understanding of social norms. It's actually classic autistic masking, he thinks he's being social, but it comes across as self-important and creepy. He's trying to get on in a world that will never understand him, and vice versa.

You are perfectly entitled to set up boundaries in your home, but it really is your partner's job to do this. If he is autistic he'll need to be told straight, he won't understand hints.

It is so hard when people are as annoying as hell but they haven’t done anything technically mean or nasty. You are trapped and can’t retaliate, as you then seem like an unreasonable wanker.

Get a couple of estate agents in to value the house. Tell DH you can't live that close to his Mum and her husband any longer.

Unless DH intervenes with his NOT DAD, and tells the Creepy Grinning Arsehole keeps his distance you and the kids will be moving far away from CGA and MIL.

As for your DH...well that's really his choice - move away with his loving, tolerant-but-not-anymore wife n kids and a nice peaceful, uninterupted with "lumps" of cake life or stick around with CGAnotDad and MIL.

I'm from up north...never heared this before. The guys an idiot. Tell him to just leave you the he'll alone. Letting himself into your house is ridiculous.

I agree with this.

Some of what your father in law does could be a bit annoying- he sounds socially awkward, tbh. And yes, waking the baby is infuriating at the time- but surely something you can get over quite quickly as long as not frequently repeated. Your responses seem to be totally over the top and at times you sound quite rude, such as you simply ignoring him. You don’t have to like him to be pleasant when he is around, even if he is not your cup of tea.

My sister in law is not someone I would choose to spend time around- and I go through phases of having to see her more often than I would choose, but I can keep a civil tongue in my head and remain polite, even when I’m internally gritting my teeth.

You say you find his face and expressions annoying- that is actually the first thing you mention, not anything horrible he has done or that he is unkind. It’s that you don’t like his face….. I think you sound quite unkind and childish. When he woke the baby, why didn’t you just say something like “could you be a bit quieter, you woke the baby and that’s really unhelpful”? Now you just ignore him? So rude and unreasonable, unless there is some huge backstory about him being a terrible father to your DH, or that they have a poor relationship. Or that he is a generally unpleasant person- as opposed to someone who is a bit awkward at times, and has on occasion been a bit thoughtless, such as when he woke your baby. In which case, I would have thought that you should lead with that, as it would be the bigger problem, not the fact you find his face annoying.

If you don’t want him to come round so often, then I think you need to involve your husband- it is his father and he might be happy for him to come round unannounced, so if you aren’t, you will need to agree a way forward between you. Then, you find a mature, reasonable way to approach the matter- one that doesn’t really hurt his feelings. And stop ignoring him when he comes round, or being snarky and unpleasant- if it’s not convenient, you can politely tell him so, surely?

This is your husband’s father and your child’s grandfather, I think you ought to be able to be better than this- assuming there is not some drip about him being abusive, aggressive, racist/sexist/some other deeply unpleasant characteristic. If it’s none of those things, then your behaviour is unnecessarily unkind. If there is a problem (e.g. the frequency of his visits), you don’t just have to put up with indefinitely and ignore how you feel- but you can resolve it in a reasonable way, with kindness and respect.

This is how I’d deal with it.

Ignore the performance completely and talk to him in a very frustrated school teacher way. At this point, I’d have no qualms about telling him to stop being attention seeking and that nobody is impressed by it.

You could also distract him by getting him doing jobs. If he’s there, he may as well make himself useful.

Reminds me of a nursing comedy drama some years ago with a character like this. One of the nurses got so annoyed by it that she did talk to her like this, the annoying one stopped doing it and turned out to be a completely normal and quite nice person. So so annoying to have to put up with it in the meantime though.

This is a bit much to cope with and to be honest its not an issue you should be addressing - its up to your husband to sort.

Perhaps in his head, he thinks he is helping you in the school holidays and its his sons place to put him right on that.

Oh god, OP, I can't stand my FIL either but yours is so much worse.... I don't say this lightly, but it would genuinely be grounds for divorce for me. Especially as your husband doesn't take it seriously and the man just lets himself into your home!!!!!!

Tell him to stop turning up and let him bang on the window to his hearts content. And draw the blinds of course.

Although that may be the sort of attention they crave

It is an impenetrable problem especially if he has been doing it for decades

Yes if everyone humours them and puts up with it, they will never learn.

He sounds lonely and bored. But that’s not for you to sort out. This would drive me mad as he’s not respecting your space.
I’d say this is for your DH to sort out. Maybe invite FIL over at the weekend when your DH can deal with him.
if he won’t, you’ve got a bigger problem.

It doesn't sound like there's anything nasty or unkind about him. He does sound like one of the world's most annoying men. Socially awkward, doesn't know how to make friends, is too much in most situations.

I'm not sure what I'd do. On the one hand, people like this who can't read a room and wind everyone up the wrong way make me want to create as much distance as possible. On the other hand, people who are kind and love my loved ones and would care for them if I couldn't are people I want to pull closer.

Could you build a relationship with him? Generally people like this are less twattish around their nearest and dearest when they stop feeling they have to perform for an audience.

Funny how people can be so self-unaware, surely he must have seen people not react favourably to his silly behaviour and remarks over the years?

I went to a quiz night with a group of neighbours last year and one of them was similar I think, tbh I think he must have some mental issues, he was hyper, ruined the quiz night for most people in the room - he flitted from table to table and asked the quiz master to repeat most questions, as well as go tell unfunny jokes, over and over, louder and louder because he was trying to get a laugh and none were coming. I can't bear to be around him now, one night was enough so you have my sympathy.

Anyway, tangent over. Lock the back door and if he knocks, tell him now is not a good time and shut the door. Tell him visits are now by prearrange appointments going forward because his behaviour is disruptive to the family (waking the baby) and is coming around too much. Just spell it out to him, or better still, get your husband to do it, it's his bloomin dad! Boundaries all the way, this should've been nipped in the bud as soon as it started rather than you get to the point you're ready to lose it.

He sounds as if he has learning difficulties from the way you describe him. No doubt he would annoy me too, but reading this I feel sorry for him. Imagine everyone hating you!

Then why are you having a go at the OP?

I would be driven nuts if someone let themselves into my house every day without invitation. To me, there's something massively arrogant in their assumption that you want to see them/don't have anything else to do! But I don't think they are being annoying on purpose, they just don't see it and are blind to your social cues that it's not a good thing from your pov.

My in-laws used to turn up unannounced when they had a day off and would stay all day. I had to get dh to ask that they phone first and agree a mutually convenient time. It did help to make them less irritating when I knew to expect them.

The world is divided into those people who don't mind others just popping in and those who consider this to be awful. I'm in the latter camp and it's very difficult when family are on the 'pop in' side!

But you do need to change this before you end up exploding over something tiny and you can't take it back.

You have my sympathy - I love my mum but she does little things that just shred my nerves and I feel myself getting snappy even when I promise myself that I won't. But she sees that it pisses me off and doesn't change! Beyond managing exposure, there's not much you can do.

I think it’s fine for OP to vent here, I mean the kind of stuff she’s described is mad making. No one could cope with that every day, it’s beyond the limits of normal behaviour and consideration for others.

It sounds like a character thing, being oblivious to appropriate social boundaries, possibly fuelled by something undiagnosed, so I don’t think she’ll get far asking him not to perform as it’s what his ‘normal’ looks like (unfortunately 😬)

Sounds like he is oblivious to how annoying he is to others