AIBU to expect my wife to mention changing her working hours?

[ByScott]

Last week I had a few issues and couldn’t contact my wife so had to call her work.

It emerged that not only had she reduced her hours to .75 but she had compacted them so only works 3 days a week.

She never told me this. Should she have?

Should I mention this to her?

It doesn’t particularly impact on me and had she discussed it with me I wouldn’t have had anything to say about it.

Since you mention stepson, I presume this is a second relationship for her.

You seem to be living somewhat separate lives. Your finances are separate (since you have noticed the 25% drop in her income) and there is less visibility over each other's comings and goings and you both don't seem to take about your days much.

It is odd she did not tell you. Maybe she was forced to drop 2 days and is embarrassed to tell you.

How old is she? If she is closer to retirement, perhaps she thinks this would be a good step down for her.

More pedantry....OLevels went out more than 18 years ago. I sat them, but I'm 60. I think GCSEs were rolled out late 80s.

Has she previously expressed a wish to work part time and you were not supportive?

Don’t bide your time! Why would you do this? Are you going to spy on her and find out what she does the other 2 days? This is all very dysfunctional. Just talk to her! Communicate with her!

Is her mental health ok? Has she seemed burnt out? Do you have joint or separate finances? If separate; is she likely to be able to meet her commitments on a reduced salary?

Why on earth wouldn’t you just ASK HER ? How bizarre. Can’t imagine a marriage where you wouldn’t discuss something like this (unless abuse).

I don’t always discuss these things - as long as money is going into shared pot for bills and childcare/pick ups are accounted for - my hours have gone up and down over the past few years. I mention it if it needs mentioning. My oh just wouldn’t be that interested so it wouldn’t warrant a discussion- so I wouldn’t really mention it unless it was bothering me or I needed him to change his hours/routine with kids. Obviously if it was a dramatic change of finances or I was leaving work or location then I would discuss it.
I would say our communication could be better - we really don’t talk about every little thing. we don’t spend a lot of time on our own together to chat about stuff so she might just think you’re not bothered?
Do you have time out together on dates etc do you take an interest in what she is up to? My oh doesn’t really ask so I wouldn’t bother to tell him.
(we’ve been together a long time and are definitely going through a period of change/recalibration within our relationship).

To be fair, it sounds like it was a colleague who let it slip thinking OP already knew.....I'd think my colleagues partners knew how many hours they worked.

Does she not have a mobile phone? Maybe there's a reason you rang reception first though.

I did GCSEs over 20 years ago. They were never referred to ad OLevels whilst I was in school so it must be quite a bit longer than 20 years even.

mi5 or affair

I had an ex whose partner did something similar - they would leave the house to pretend go to work and spend the day at University College London playing the piano !

I can't remember the circumstances in which they found out, but they - as we would say in the north - "were not best chuffed".

That is mentioned in literally the first paragraph

I don’t mean to patronise but are you sure she didn’t talk to you about this and you just weren’t paying attention?

This happens in my house all the time, wi the anything to do with logistics of domestic and family life, but most notably when I upped my working hours, which required DC to be in nursery an extra day. I agonised over it for weeks and talked it over with DH extensively, and he made supportive noises - but apparently without actually taking anything in because he finds any discussion of schedules and family life too boring to engage with in a full-brained way.

And then he was completely blindsided when he finally noticed, a year or so into my new working pattern, that DC and I weren’t home on Thursday afternoons. He only noticed because of something he needed me to do for him. He claimed I never told him and had been keeping him in the dark for some nefarious reason.

If that was me I would take off the day she is at home not tell her then just casually ask are you not working today see what her response is. Then decide what to say to her about it. Very strange behaviour does her wages not impact the household bills?

Just flipping ask her fgs!!

I love the thought of spending the day at University College London playing the piano...

I would ask her this evening how work was today and see what she says.

She might just say 'Oh fgs ByScott, I told you 6 months ago I don't work on a Friday anymore, you don't listen to a word I say'

She might lie and say 'yeah work was fine'

Or... 'I've been meaning to tell you ByScott...'

Whatever it is, ask and find out.

Speculating now, but maybe at some point they offered her a promotion with pay rise and she decided to consolidate her hours and decrease them and didn’t want to discuss it because you would have said no, work the same hours and bring in more money?

Twice a week, all day ?

I wouldn't dream of making a decision like this without discussing this with my other half - nor would they. It just seemed very odd.

Maybe she just needed time to herself and didnt think it was a big deal. I once did something naughty but kind of necessary. I was absolutely exhausted and needed to leave my job. I had new responsibilities at home and knew financially everything was in place and everyone was in agreement. It was a new chapter in our lives. But I just couldnt bear hanging on a second longer in my job . I was supposed to leave at rhe end of the July but I actually left in June and spent 2 weeks going yo the library. It was very relaxing. I never told anybody. Not the same as your ditustion but maybe she needs time out from everyone.

I'm basing my response here on my knowledge of my father and both my ex-husbands, who all had a constant refrain of "no one told me!" when they had in fact been given all the information, often repeatedly, and simply hadn't listened!

Are you sure she didn't tell you?

Or both?

Yeah, I am sorry, this is super suspicious. She is definitely hiding something - I mean obviously she was hiding the work thing but she is hiding the reason for it.

I hope it's not the most obvious answer.

Her work will probably tell her you called, so I'd just let her know you know before they get a chance to do that. And watch and listen very carefully when you do tell her.

The only reasonable other explanation that springs to mind is that she was burnt out, exhausted, and wanted time to just rest - and felt you would not allow that to happen without a fight. Is this possible?

I did GCSEs 35 years ago! And I think I was about the 4th year of them.