AIBU to expect my wife to mention changing her working hours?

[ByScott]

Last week I had a few issues and couldn’t contact my wife so had to call her work.

It emerged that not only had she reduced her hours to .75 but she had compacted them so only works 3 days a week.

She never told me this. Should she have?

Should I mention this to her?

It doesn’t particularly impact on me and had she discussed it with me I wouldn’t have had anything to say about it.

This.

@ByScott So what’s your plan with biding your time? For what?

Just talk to her, explain what happened, and talk to her. Don’t play games.

So you never ask how her day was

haven’t noticed less income into joint account

either she mentioned it and you didn’t listen

or something suss is going on

no one would drop days and hours without mentioning it if innocent

you seemed scared to ask her

In a typical marriage, yes she might have said something. But some people are extremely independent in their relationships. She doesn't have kids and she's still paying her way so I'm not sure she really had to tell you. Some people keep seperate finances, others pool everything, so there is a spectrum.

I am genuinely surprised you had an issue that required you calling her at work when she didnt answer her personal phone. Especially when it sounds like the matter could have waited.

If it wasn't so serious that you could simply save face and pretend you'd gotten confused then you probably didn't need to call so I wonder I'd that offers some insight into why she didn't tell you.

For context, I don't think my husband or i have ever needed to call eachother at work in over 20 years.

OP how do you mean “ should I mention this to her “ .
If any of my work colleagues were cutting down from full time to part time , they would mention this to me , not to mind my husband !, ( well if I still had one ) 😂.

It is really weird that she didn't speak to you about it but then it is also really weird that you would have 'said nothing' if she had told you. My DH would want to know why I wanted the change and would be curious about reasons in case it was stress, issues about work load, unhappiness at work. He would also be interested in what my plans were.

I believe that we have a happy marriage where we communicate well. When she has issues usually centred on my adult children she is always completely open with me. She is also comfortable in saying when she is upset but can’t explain why.

We have both joint and personal finances. If she never works she would still be able to contribute financially.

When I said that I would not have commented I mean I would have said that it was up to her; I would have been supported. I would not have been a dick as someone suggested I would have been.

She won’t return to work now until the end of the month.

I am biding my time not in a controlling way I just want to see if anything emerges. I do not want to challenge her.

I have no trust issues with her at all.

Why have you conflated asking her something, with "challenging" her?

That sounds a very unhealthy take on a conversation that needs to be had.

So she’s open raising issues with you but you feel scared to raise any you have with her. How does she react if you do so? Are you reluctant to make her angry or upset if you talk to her?

reducing working hours in secret is an incredibly odd thing to do and is really suspicious. I think you’d be right to ask why but it does feel
like you’re frightened of her response.

and of course there will be many responses deciding you’re controlling, or didn’t listen, or somehow in the wrong. Ignore them

Does she not have a mobile phone? Calling work feels so outdated.

Of course she has a mobile and I left a couple of messages ; she doesn’t always have it on at work. I would not have called her but I had an emergency in a different location and I needed to let her know.

Depends on the job. I don't even have a pocket in my work uniform.

Agree.

So many jobs where phone is in locker/bag. Not meant to have it on us at work.

If you don't mind whats the problem?

Does she make out she goes to work every day?
If this was a man, I'd be saying 'Chechez La Femme'

Go in late one day and catch her out

You both clearly do NOT communicate well. I can’t understand why we wouldn’t have told you. I don’t understand why you don’t speak to her about it. Unless you want to do some digging to see if she is cheating

I don’t understand why you don’t just ask her?! Good grief stop pussyfooting around.

You clearly don't have great communication, why aren't you speaking to her about it?
.
It's not got to be brought up in an accusatory way, just say you found this out and your were surprised that she didn't tell you.

When she has issues usually centred on my adult children

What are her issues?

True, fair point

Not Something I would have kept from my husband. What is she doing with that extra time ?

I work a compressed week and it was fir childcare reasons - now it’s because I’m burnt out and fed up.

I don’t think it needs an accusation, just ask her how’s she’s doing generally and say you noticed it. Reassure her you aren’t upset or anything.

Blame-shifting 🙄

Can you just ask her and update us please? I'm invested to know what's going on here

I am biding my time not in a controlling way I just want to see if anything emerges. I do not want to challenge her.

I have no trust issues with her at all.

One of the most contradictory posts I have read on mumsnet

This smacks of a woman scared of a partner and doing something on the hours that she’s free that she doesn’t want him to know about. Planning her departure? House hunting to rent?