AIBU to feel put out being asked to bring dessert and ice?

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I will probably get told I’m being unreasonable here but I’m ready if that’s the case 😂 my friend has invited me and my two kids to stay over for the night, it’s been planned for ages, and ahead of next week I’ve been asked to pick up dessert and ice because she doesn’t know what to get the kids for pudding… it’s lovely that she’s having us, but if I were hosting I’d provide food and drinks, not because I have loads of money or anything but I just feel like that’s what you do when friends come over. I would always bring a bottle over to the hosts house whenever I go somewhere, and so maybe this is the equivalent but I don’t know, something about this is making me annoyed and I’m not sure why!

The phrase “love language” needs beating to death with a shovel.

It’s just an excuse for being shit. I’m sorry I don’t pull my weight with the chores and spend all my time in the pub, but my love language is coming home pissed at midnight and passing out on the bathroom floor.

I think this is fine. Even if I was going to a friend for coffee I would pick up (not bake!) a cake to bring.

lol google it

And some people feel awkward not being told to bring something, because they've been brought up that it's rude to turn up empty handed, but don't know what to bring.
She's your friend, you shouldn't be overthinking this so much, give her the benefit of the doubt.

My usual response when I invite people to mine and they ask what they can bring is ‘just yourselves, you’re my guests’. I’m old fashioned then. My friends and family have never come empty handed and nor have I. I’d say that’s normal courtesy but I’d never ask them to bring anything

I don’t think there’s anything odd whatsoever. It’s norm imo to attend say a bbq and bring salad or something else so the host isn’t shouldering all the cost and work

I was 19 when I had my son and wanted him christened but our budget wasn’t very big so we put on a basic buffet but asked guests if they wanted to bring a plate of something it would be appreciated but absoloutely no expectation and so many people did. So many aunties and grandparents loved it making homemade recipes and it was something practical they could do to help us celebrate our babies day

In Australia, it is absolutely standard to "bring a plate" when someone else is hosting. I was a bit surprised at first when I moved there, but absolutely never offended to be asked to bring a plate (though I genuinely did ask what they meant, was I supposed to bring crockery, the first time I was asked - that's a running joke over there but it happened in real life to me).

Can't imagine being put out by being asked to bring one portion of a meal when someone else is hosting you and providing the rest.

And yes, of course you bring a bottle or some beers too - but the host will also provide more alcohol and soft drinks.

Bring a plate is a lovely Australian tradition and works really well. When having a get together, one friend brings her yum noodle salad, another brings chips and dips for pre lunch nibbling, another brings a no bake strawberry cheesecake that she enjoys making, we provide all the meat and main dishes, more salads and bread. I always have too much food in the house anyway so we would never run out - but it's really nice to share the cost and the work with friends who are hosting.

The idea is to have a lovely time together, and this contributes to that.

If I’m “hosting” (I hate calling it that with friends and family I just saying I’m “having people round”) I take care of all food and drink. I don’t expect people to bring anything, unless it’s ultra specific that no one else will eat then they can bring whatever.

I wouldn’t feel put out though if a friend asked me to bring some ice and dessert. I’d just buy some buns or a small cake, and fill up a sandwich bag of ice from my freezer. It would be different if she requested 4 fillet steaks, a bottle of champagne and caviar.

I would be your friend in this situation. I would Abigail had forgotten something like desert. People can be funny with deserts and kids too, like not allowing chocolate or whatever. She is giving you agency over the contentious part of the meal to choose something you are happy for your kids to eat and that they would like .

Hmmmm maybe there's a subtle message here...you always bring cheap nasty wine, please bring a pudding instead 😃

British culture is very much if you are hosting, you are providing the entire meal. Guests bring flowers, wine perhaps chocolates. When I was growing up that's certainly what my parents did and their friends. Personally, I tend to do this if it's a small party but if it's a big group gathering we definitely do the bring a dish thing.

You're. (You are.)

🙄

If you’re close enough to be having the sleepover then you’re close enough for her to ask you to bring a dessert. Hec, me and my best mate text each other to bring a pint of milk or a loaf in when we’re on the way to each others houses!

Your love language is resenting contributing and then hanging shit on your friend on an online forum? That’s a new one!

Surely you were just about to ask what you should bring and had her reply been ‘nothing’ you still wouldn’t have turned up empty-handed?

So when she comes to yours, she is on her own and doesn't stay. You have two kids, and are all staying with her.

Can't you see it's different? Is this a reverse? She could have just bought a big tiramisu or something that your kids wouldn't eat, but instead she is asking you as she doesn't know what kids like or are allowed to have, as some parents can be funny about stuff like that.

It's another one of the threads where I'm thinking: this cannot be real.

It seems a reasonable request unless you are worried ice/ice cream would melt in which case get it in a shop close to her house.

I agree with you- it’s the order it’s happened. It’s the direct asking, not it being in response to you enquiring ‘can I bring anything to help?’

When I host, I never ask guests to bring anything, I expect to provide all courses, etc. Some offer, which is thoughtful, but I decline. If they then bring wine/flowers, that’s a lovely gesture, but certainly not expected. Similarly, as a guest myself, I check with the host, and bring what they need, but would find it odd to be instructed to bring certain things before I had offered. My friends say ‘just bring yourselves’, then I always take wine/flowers/chocolates, etc.

I wonder whether she is anxious about choosing a dessert your children wouldn’t like/you wouldn’t think was suitable. In this instance, she may just be trying to ensure you are comfortable with the dessert. However, I as the host would have still checked your children’s preferences and provided it myself, I used to do that before I had children with guests that did. It’s ok to check with guests if you are unsure, eg if they have allergies.

It’s rude to turn up empty handed so YABU.

Thank you again all, I genuinely appreciate it and it’s not a reverse this is how I see it:

1. if I host people I want to provide everything, if someone asks me what to bring I’ll say “bring a soft drink” but I want to have it covered because I love them and want it to feel relaxed for them. If that’s wrong or an unusual perspective, fair play.
2. if I don’t have the means to host, or if I wasn’t able to provide, I wouldn’t invite someone to stay.
3. i totally agree that she meant it in a way of “I don’t know what the little ones like and I want them to be happy” and at first I didn’t see that.
4. despite being told I’m tight and petty my most, which is fine, maybe I am, I love this friend dearly and unless you know me personally from one small paragraph alone, it’s hard to make such a sweeping judgement.
5. ive never turned up empty handed anywhere, but most often in our friendship we ask on the day “anything I can bring” which is part and parcel of how we are as friends.
6. I do appreciate all the commentary and always find it useful to check in if I think I’m being unreasonable, which clearly I was!

But she said it's because she doesn't know what to get your kids for dessert, so it's probably easier for you to get it anyway.

Heaven forbid that a single person stays over. Shock horror.

Hey, I totally get you. She’s hosting and it’s normal to provide the food - she could very easily have asked ‘what would your kids like for dessert?’ If that’s her concern.

I always ask if I can bring something, and I imagine you do too? And then I wouldn’t remotely mind being asked to bring something specific since I’d asked. I wouldn’t dream of turning up empty-handed anyway & normally take a bottle and chocolates as a contribution. So I agree, if this has been planned for ages and you regularly host her and provide all the food, it’s a bit mean to ask you to bring a course - and ice too, that’s just irritating.

Darling! Is she sharing with me and my husband or staying with my kids in their bunk bed? Come on now!