AIBU to expect a cleaner family bathroom when staying with in-laws?

[Lavendar01]

Husband and I are visiting his parents for a week, and his sister lives there too.

There's a family bathroom that only my SIL uses, and it's got sanitary towel wrappers on the floor, a wet used towel, and clothes piled on the laundry basket or the floor. No handwash or hand towel either.

We both feel this is pretty basic etiquette and hygiene. Are we overreacting?

If you were me, what would you do (or not do)? She has a tendency to react defensively to feedback

Maybe SiL is a chaotic ADHD type who does not mean to be this way but is out of control.

This.
Also I take my own toiletries and towels when staying with family or friends.

I would stop going. It sounds disgusting.

I said that her brother should clean it and then ask SIL to keep it that way too.

i.e. the responsibility of keeping it tidy should belong to those who use it.

This.
I was always made to make my brother&Sil's bed before they came to stay at my parents house (even though I didn't live in the house either). And "run a cloth around the basins". Like hell did my brother do anything before I ever arrived at my parents house.
OP, would your husband clean the bathroom for his sister if it was the other way around?

I always take my own bar soap anyway (I hate plastic bottles) and TBH I’d just tidy it up.

SIL sounds lazy and inconsiderate. I'd be mortified if someone wrote this post about my bathroom (although they wouldn't as I have some basic idea of how to make a bathroom look for guests!).
It's for your DH to deal with. If it were me I'd bring the rubbish to an obvious bin like a kitchen one to throw away, bring in the wet used towel and ask where to put it (e.g. washbasket/washing machine) and ask if there's some spare handwash and a couple of hand towels.
She can take that however she wants to.

This. It's not a hotel.

Maybe she didn't want you to visit? Maybe she doesn't want to share the bathroom? Maybe she simply doesn't feel like cleaning the bathroom right now just because you're visiting? Presumably her brother is also capable of cleaning and obtaining soap?

Why can't you use the bathroom your H's parents use since they're presumably the ones who invited you?

volunteer to clean it! i’m sure they will love that

Further context, how much cleaning does your DH do? Perhaps they are all of the same ilk?

Maybe she's depressed at the breakdown of her relationship and doesn't have the mental resilience for cleaning right now. Or indeed judgemental house guests.

Just buy some soap and ask MIL for hand towels FFS. It's not a big deal.

I agree100% with this.
When going to live with relatives, I'm just grateful that they would allow us to stay and host us.
Instead of moaning, I would tidy up and buy some soap or handwash to put there for the duration of my stay.
I would just use my own towel aswell.
Afterwards, its up to them how they keep their bathroom.

Sounds grim. When I have guests I minimise my stuff in the bathroom so guests have somewhere to put things. I certainly wouldn't leave out everything or my clothes for that matter! I give each guest their own towel to use too. I also leave out a cloth and spray so if anybody wants to give the shower/bath/basin a quick going over between uses they can.

So was I. Quick wipe of the bathroom and the kitchen. Even for family I think it’s common decency.

I don’t understand why most of MN seems to think this woman child is in the right just leaving litter and laundry all over the floor when there’s guests (even if related). It also makes me wonder about her hygiene if she isn’t washing her hands after the toilet, especially after handling soiled period pads (you assume based on new wrappers on floor). Grim.

I think the key thing here is - I do think there's an expectation that whoever has invited a guest does a quick tidy up by inviting them you're extending hospitality.

However there is no evidence SIL is the one who invited them. Therefore this isn't her job. Also, it's her brother - if she didn't invite him I don't see why she has any obligation to clean for him. She's not his servant. It's her home (and presumably formerly his home).

Don't like it, you don't have to stay.

Well, this is not a minor dealbreaker for me.

I don't want to tiptoe around dirty, damp clothing and sanitary towel wrappers.

Urgh. Pigsty.

I absolutely hate staying with other people for this reason. The exception is at my best friend's house, as it's like a fantastic B and B, all clean, with lovely towels, and you feel spoiled. I only stay in hotels now as I'm not fanatical about cleaning but sometimes staying with family is just too close...cheap Travelodge/Air B and B?

I don't think much can be done on this visit, though, just clean it yourself and ask for handwash (or buy some).

It's pretty grotty to have wet towels and litter on the floor of a shared environment though, even if you are family.

I'd bear this in mind next time you visit and tell the truth if they ask why you don't want to stay.

@Lavendar01 I agree. If guests are coming to stay you make some kind of effort. You don't expect them to manoeuvre round laundry, pick up sanitary wrappers or use wet and dirty towels. And you don't usually expect them to bring their own hand wash. But I'm so curious to know where your MIL washes herself. If there's only one bathroom and she never uses it, then what does she do? Does she wash in the kitchen sink?

Where is the chivalry?

Is cleaning a bathroom, alongside having hand wash, too much of an ask?

My goodness.

I'm surprised by some of the responses. I would deep clean before having guests. I think its pretty rude not to.

Very strange to think the sister is normal. Maybe the posters are people who have grim bathrooms and therefore feel defensive ? If guests are coming, you clean the bathroom within an inch of its life. I actually like it because it gives me an incentive to do a deep clean.

Ridiculous. Why should the daughter in law do it? The son if the family should do it.

Is this an adult or a young person? If it’s the latter I’d be more inclined to think ‘teenagers!’ and just get on with it- pick up the papers (it’s only wrappers, not actual sanitary towels!), fetch a clean towel from wherever they are kept and ask for soap. The laundry wouldn’t bother me much.
Even if she’s an adult- yeah I’d have a bit of ick and wonder about her standards, but it does sound like mess rather than actual ‘dirt’ (like as in a dirty toilet and residue on the sink). I would think twice about staying again.

It's your PILs house, so for DH to sort.
DH to SIL or MIL "where do you keep the hand towels and soap for the bathroom?"
If your were not there what would DH do/say?