AIBU to expect a cleaner family bathroom when staying with in-laws?

[Lavendar01]

Husband and I are visiting his parents for a week, and his sister lives there too.

There's a family bathroom that only my SIL uses, and it's got sanitary towel wrappers on the floor, a wet used towel, and clothes piled on the laundry basket or the floor. No handwash or hand towel either.

We both feel this is pretty basic etiquette and hygiene. Are we overreacting?

If you were me, what would you do (or not do)? She has a tendency to react defensively to feedback

Personally I couldn’t bring myself to give much of a fuck about a wrapper and towel on the floor. I’d just grab some hand wash from the shop.
its a relatives house, not an air B&B

Evidently, certain individuals fail to understand how to cater to a guest.

I leave my bathrooms spotless for them to enjoy, as I like my friends and family to feel comfortable.

Wow, some of these posts made me laugh, some typical defensive, aggressive Mumsnet users 😂

There seems to be a clear divide between people with etiquette, manners and consideration, and those without - I'm definitely in the first group.

But to make our stay bearable, I bought a handwash and a hand towel. I then asked SIL, "do you mind if I move your clothes off the floor as they're getting wet the shower door isn't closing right." She replied simply "Yeah, go ahead." I thought she'd atleast offer to pick them up now that I've brough it up.

Our next visit will be in a couple of months for MIL's birthday, and we've already decided to stay at a nearby hotel and avoid the whole mess altogether. Funny because all this time we were plotting how to save money on hotel and get the spare room in the house for that trip as the whole family will be coming together, but this stay has help make the decision

Just go and buy a 50p bar of soap for you to use. Don’t create drama in the house which your MIL doesn’t need.

Because she wants it cleaner and it will be more embarrassing for them if they know she did it.

Well, some individuals enjoy resting in filthy environments ... 😂

Buying your own handwash and towel is beyond the pale. Your SiL is slothful.

At this point, the hotel is the better option!

Why would you think that? This is not my experience at all. The likelihood here is that they don’t care/wouldn’t notice/think if OP wants it clean she should shut up and do it.

Passive aggressive act on her part will be interpreted as merely passive.

Gross. So she's not washing her hands after using the toilet?🤢

I don't go leaping around cleaning in other people's houses, but if I am staying anywhere and the bathroom isn't ok, I make it ok for myself. I do this in hospitals as well, take my own cleaning wipes in. No point in moaning about it.

I'm quite messy in the rest of the house, but dirty bathrooms are so grim. You can clean though with a bit of soap and some loo paper if you get truly desperate, like wiping the hairs up off the floor. Ask me how I know.

Because literally everyone I know would find it mortifying if a guest felt they needed to clean the space they were staying in your home. More so if it was an in-law.

More to the point, any family I decided to marry in to would have that value

Well I think it’s gross and I’d be judging. I also can’t stand nudging or being passive aggressive or anything like that so I’d just be happy to have saved the money off a hotel and I’d clean it myself and buy a cheap hand towel and some soap and scrub the place. I have a friend who has a disgusting bathroom and whenever it’s her turn to host I can’t help but feel a bit bleugh at the thought of needing the toilet while I’m there and having to go in there. I don’t get it. I also don’t get why people are always so defensive about being filthy 😂

It's certainly grim, and not something I'd do if I had guests. But everyone is very different.

I'd probably either get my husband to ask for handsoap and a towel or sort my own.

Imagine the response if the sexes were reversed. People would rightly be calling the brother lazy and no one would be telling the OP to pick up after him.

I'm with you OP and I do think it's disgusting that she leaves sanitary wrappers. While there is nothing shameful about periods, she would have handled the old pad that has been next to her genitals for hours before unwrapping the new one. If you trod on one by mistake the sticky bit would stick to your foot and trail it around the house or you could slip on one . Surely it takes a similar amount of effort to put them in the bin, why chuck them on the floor?

I wouldn't stay in future and I would be telling in laws why.

Some people are gross. You can't fix that - you can just pay your way out of dealing with it if you want to. Sounds like staying at a hotel is the best solution, am not sure what else you want from this really - you aren't going to hint at her and she'll suddenly leap into the bathroom with the cleaning supplies. So either be up front about it, ignore it, leave or solve it yourself.

If you were me, what would you do (or not do)? She has a tendency to react defensively to feedback

I wouldn't do anything except say 'Hey MIL, have you got a couple of towels we can use? Oh and I also I couldn't find any soap - where should I be looking?'

I wouldn't give 'feedback' or drop hints about making them tidy up because it's someone's house that you're staying in, not a hotel, and how tidy (or not) they choose to keep it is entirely up to them. Clothes piled up and sanitary towel wrappers aren't a hygiene issue. Sure, if it were me hosting I'd absolutely tidy up for guests and leave clean towels on their beds for them. But it's up to the host; these aren't people you're paying for a service. They're people who are doing you a favour by saving you the cost of a hotel.

Is there soap?

Dont stay there. I wouldn't expect to use someone else's towels

But surely if its his parents house your husband can just go and say 'oi sis/mum/dad there's no hand wash in the bathroom, didnt you bother to give it the once over before we came?!'

Not that it would ever happen but if one of my family was hosting us and the bathroom was gross id have a word and say erm could you not have cleaned up a bit before we came, this is a bit embarrassing!'

Then again stayed with my bil and sil last year and the bathroom was bloody grim and i didnt feel able to say and nor did my husband but the relationship just isnt there and we'll avoid visiting again tbh.

You don’t say how old your SIL is, but I’m assuming she’s an adult so should be cleaning her own bathroom. Before you go get husband to give them a call and ask if the bathroom has been cleaned, if the answers no, say you’ll be staying elsewhere. Don’t expect this to make you popular!

Do you not think the OP's husband would be capable of just saying 'Where can I find a couple of clean towels?' to his own mother and sister, though?

When I stay at my mum's I just say 'Right, just going to jump in the shower. Can I grab a towel from the airing cupboard?' and amazingly, the sky has yet to fall in.

It sounds like SIL doesn't want you there - and I'm starting to see why.

You said earlier on that a hotel was "not an option", but now it seems like it is, but you just didn't want to pay for it. Yet you expect the house to look like one!

It's her home, not an Airbnb up for review. As for buying a hand towel and soap to "make (y)our stay bearable", you were hardly in a POW camp.

Do they want you to stay? Seems odd that they presumably know how their daughter lives and know you will be sharing, so a cursory tidy for their invited guests seems a minimal hosting duty.

It sounds to me as though she doesn’t want you using her bathroom.

I'd provide handwash.

I would hang up her wet towel to dry and find a hand towel. I'd keep the towels I use separate.

The overflowing laundry bin would not bother me, nor sanitary towel wrappers but I would put them in the bin.

Yes she does: Sister is 30years old.