To not pay their air fare

[rookiemere]

Please if you recognise me don’t out me.

I am an only DC, after a tough year of hard decline from dementia, both DPs are now in a care home close to me. It costs a lot, but thankfully DPs have amassed a lot of savings so I worked out the other day that they can afford it for around 8 years for both of them - they’re 92 and 87 respectively in poor physical health as well, so this should be enough.

The dilemma is this. DF is from another country originally. He is very generous to his nieces my cousins, because their DF died early under unpleasant circumstances. He has offered to pay their fares, 2 of my cousins have declined but one has made it into an annual trip with DPs covering the air fares, bringing along her DH and staying for too long periods at our house. They aren’t ideal house guests so DH put his foot down and said they couldn’t stay for an extended trip again. Accommodation where we live is expensive.

So anyway last night I got an email saying they were thinking of coming over and when would be convenient and what B&B could I recommend. No mention of air fares, so I thought maybe I should say that as the care fees are so expensive DPs can no longer cover the air fare. TBH I don’t think they should even be asking, but I suspect the trip will be unaffordable for them if they have to pay for somewhere to sleep and flights.

I know DF would get some joy from seeing them, and to be fair to my cousin she is very fond of him and he’s almost like a substitute DF in her mind. Technically DPs could afford the flights, but I need to be responsible with their money. I thought I could maybe suggest a contribution of £1k which would help with the fares, but not fully cover them.

DF thinks I shouldn’t mention it and make them ask if they want it. I think that’s coloured by the fact he finds the DH very difficult to get on with and feels they are grabby - as do I to be fair. He says it’s my money, but it’s not at the minute it’s very much still DPs and I am just enacting their wishes.

So AIBU not to offer the money when it’s been paid for in the past ?

Apologies if I respond periodically as going into work shortly.

Forget about your cousin and if you are managing their money fgs look into Care Annuity's to cover their care home fees.

Not true. Patterns of gifting established whilst making decisions on one’s own finances may be continued by the attorney.

The situation looks clear to me. Your DF does not have capacity. As POA you must only spend his money to benefit him. Therefore you cannot pay large sums (£!K is a large sum) for relatives to visit from abroad - which benefits them rather than your DF.
Set up Facetime or similar for him to talk to them abroad on one of your visits to the care home.
And sympathies on your situation, and the stress of dealing with it.

I would pay this year definitely, whilst your dp’s still recognize them, this is for their benefit not the cousins. , who knows what next yer will bring.

Regular gifts out of income - which it sounds like this is - are also exempt and don’t count towards the £3k

I'd do it this year and stop when your dad can't recognize them anymore. It's his money, and he can afford it and would like it. Reassess next year.

How often did she actually spend time with/visit him last time? I suspect they'd barely visit the care home this time, or not at all.

If you don't pay for the other nieces and nephews that's a very good precedent.

As POA you have a responsibility to manage their money in their best interests, and to ensure they have secure long term care, especially as their needs may increase further. In your shoes I would outline your position very clearly and then perhaps say that you could cover the niece’s flight so she could spend some time with him but it would be financially irresponsible to extend this generosity further.

Could you compromise by paying for your cousin's airfare but not her husbands? She is your Dad's actual relative so would guess your DF would get most joy out of seeing her rather than her DH.

Then when they are here you could plant the seed of them paying for their own airfare next year so they have a whole year to be prepared & save up for any future trips.

Your husband does not want them in the house, so why are you even thinking about it for a couple of days?
If you do help them with their airfare then make sure that they know this is the last year that this happens. Also make sure they know that you will not be contributing towards their living expenses while they are here.
These people have a cheek. The husband is not coming to see your parents but his own interests. You can always blame the terms of the POA.

I'd probably pay this year but make it clear that it it's the last time that it's the last time.

Based on you saying there's enough money for care fees x 2 for 8 years they've a massive amount of money.
If this is well invested a couple of flights a year is hardly going to dent the interest that money should be accruing annually.

Having been in a similar position I can understand your dilemma. When my mum, with Alzheimer’s, went into a care home we continued to pay for my sister, who lives in the US, to fly over for an annual visit. It meant a lot to all of us that she got to see mum and allowed us to keep in contact. We did have power of attorney and mum had paid her air fare for many years.

The difference was that it was just her airfare as she came on her own and stayed with me and mum had more than enough money for her lifetime as she had savings and her house which we rented out to go towards the fees. She was extremely unlikely to need local authority help with her care fees unless she lived for another 20 years - she was 85 at this time! We did some research online and found reference on the Office of Public Guardians ( who would have hopefully granted us POA had mum not done it) that continue to make regular payments to family is an acceptable use of her money which put our mind at rest.

In the end we only paid for 2 visits during the 4 years in care due to Covid travel bans.

I suggest you provide info re places to stay but wait until she asks for air fares. Then tell her that your parents can only afford to pay for this year so they’ll have plenty of notice that they will to pay next time. I might even tell then what the monthly fees are to make is clear that the contribution is not sustainable. It’s quite possible that by next year your parents won’t recognise them so you could also stress this.

if your father has paid in the past then I don't think you should change the pattern now you are in charge of his money. It's his money and it appears to be what he's always wanted to do so I'd continue until the money actually runs out.

As your DP paid the air fare in tbe past, it seems he should continue to do this.

See info about gifts below

He can give mulriple gifts of up to 3k per year

https://www.gov.uk/guidance/work-out-inheritance-tax-due-on-gifts

Use this to set up POA
You will need a witness
One for health
One for wealth
https://www.gov.uk/power-of-attorney

I would cover it this time but make it clear that you won't be able to do it in the future to ensure that there is enough money to care for them. Allow them to say goodbye at least.

In that case he should fund his own ticket! It is in your DP’s interests to pay for his niece’s fare, but not for her DHs. I’d also make it clear if she comes alone she can stay with you but if her DH joins they won’t be welcome due to his past behaviour.

I'd pay for this trip, then I'd explain the situation re care costs and all that, and offer to fund just the cousin going forward. If they all want to come over then they will understand that they will have to fund the balance themselves. A reasonable compromise maybe?

If they agree to that, then they really do want to see your parents. If they complain, they just want a free holiday.

Speaking as someone who has a parent with dementia (severe) I would absolutely pay the money.

I don't understand when clearly there is a precedent and your parents can afford it that this is even a question. Your father lives in a foreign country and this slice of home may make him really happy (yeah I live abroad too).

This money is a drop in the ocean for your parents care and frankly they are running out of time. You may have POA but it is their money and honestly I don't even know why this is question.

@rookiemere
No. In your shoes. I'd say No.

They can pay for their own air fare and accommodation this year.

You really have no idea how long either of your parents have...sometimes they will very much out-live any expectations and their care needs are never going to be less than they are now and will only increase with time and as they progress through their illness.

You are protecting them. You have POA.

The cousins have had the advantage of free travel from your very generous Dad for years. If they really want to visit and I mean visit HIM then I suggest that they can pay for all of their travel costs this time.

Exactly, you and your son are directly in line for any financial benefit your parents may be able to pass onto you and this is balancing up due to the circumstances you describe. Your cousin is not directly in line. Make them ask and decline if they do so.

Either there's sufficient funds for normal gifts to continue, and DC still gets her trip fully funded as before and DS continues to receive his financial support

Or

There's not enough money to continue with the gift giving, and so DC's trips, and DS's financial support both need to stop.

OP continuing to gift her parents money to her son, but stop the regular gift to her DC is not justifiable. This would be OP using her parents money for her/her son's gain and would be outside what a POA is allowed to do, and would be seen as financial abuse. She could be prosecuted for it.

Neither of these rules have anything to do with care home fees nor how a POA uses the funds they may be in charge of. They are both related to exemptions from inheritance tax.

And the £3k doesn't have to go to a relative. You can give it to anyone, in any amounts up to the £3k.

Regular gifts from income that don't impact on the standard of living are also potentially exempt from consideration in inheritance tax calculations.

If your DF has always covered the costs and there is plenty of money to do so then if you take your POA responsibilities seriously you should obviously continue spending his money in a way that aligns with his previous spending and in a way which will obviously make him happy. When someone doesn’t have capacity you’re not supposed to just start imposing your own judgements on how they should live based on your own values and prejudices. Do what he has clearly shown he would choose to do