To not pay their air fare

[rookiemere]

Please if you recognise me don’t out me.

I am an only DC, after a tough year of hard decline from dementia, both DPs are now in a care home close to me. It costs a lot, but thankfully DPs have amassed a lot of savings so I worked out the other day that they can afford it for around 8 years for both of them - they’re 92 and 87 respectively in poor physical health as well, so this should be enough.

The dilemma is this. DF is from another country originally. He is very generous to his nieces my cousins, because their DF died early under unpleasant circumstances. He has offered to pay their fares, 2 of my cousins have declined but one has made it into an annual trip with DPs covering the air fares, bringing along her DH and staying for too long periods at our house. They aren’t ideal house guests so DH put his foot down and said they couldn’t stay for an extended trip again. Accommodation where we live is expensive.

So anyway last night I got an email saying they were thinking of coming over and when would be convenient and what B&B could I recommend. No mention of air fares, so I thought maybe I should say that as the care fees are so expensive DPs can no longer cover the air fare. TBH I don’t think they should even be asking, but I suspect the trip will be unaffordable for them if they have to pay for somewhere to sleep and flights.

I know DF would get some joy from seeing them, and to be fair to my cousin she is very fond of him and he’s almost like a substitute DF in her mind. Technically DPs could afford the flights, but I need to be responsible with their money. I thought I could maybe suggest a contribution of £1k which would help with the fares, but not fully cover them.

DF thinks I shouldn’t mention it and make them ask if they want it. I think that’s coloured by the fact he finds the DH very difficult to get on with and feels they are grabby - as do I to be fair. He says it’s my money, but it’s not at the minute it’s very much still DPs and I am just enacting their wishes.

So AIBU not to offer the money when it’s been paid for in the past ?

Apologies if I respond periodically as going into work shortly.

That's what I would be doing in your place.

I wouldn't worry too much about what might happen next year. Cross that bridge when you come to it. The situation will be different and undoubtedly worse. That's the sad reality of dementia.

This isn't entirely altruistic - he's done a lot to ensure your inheritance is the maximum it can be. Would he do the same for a much loved neighbour, for instance?

On reflection, I think you are right to offer this year but I would have to tell her it's the last time. It's a long term worry for you making sure there is enough money for elder care. I wouldn't cut modest support to your son because he genuinely needs the help to support his education, the relationship is closer and it can be time limited to the uni years.

I don’t think I’d mention it and wait to see if they do! Even though they’re CF’s, if they do ask then I’d probably pay it this time as your parents can afford it and it would bring your dad joy but once he doesn’t recognise them then the money would stop.
I definitely wouldn’t host them though if they aren’t good house guests. I’m intrigued to know what they’ve done in your home previously!

Not read full thread but OP do not forget IHT on your DP estate. The tax man may not think money spent on these relatives over last 7 years is not liable to the tax.Tell them you will be taxed probably on these payments for flights etc.

As an occasional reader of this website I’d find these so much easier to read without the DPs DCs DFs and DHs. 🥲

@rookiemere Explain kindly that because both parents are now in full‑time care, their funds need to be prioritised for that, so you can’t cover flights anymore. You can offer a small contribution if you feel comfortable, but you’re not obliged to.

It’s factual, non‑accusatory, and protects the care fund. Something like:
“Because Mum and Dad are now in care and the fees are very high, I have to prioritise their funds for that. They can’t cover flights anymore. You’re very welcome to visit, but it would need to be at your own expense. If it helps, I can contribute £1k towards the fares as a one off.”

If you reel really pushed then offer the minimum towards the flight only. When, and if, they do come on their annual trip you should make it clear that due to all the costs now involved you will not be able to make any contribution in the future. If they want to still come they will find a way to fund it and that's not your problem, you have enough to deal with.

You need to come on more often then as most of us regulars are fluent in MN now and read acronyms as pure English 😂

I think you've made a typo in an earlier post which is confusing a lot of people (including me) in which you say your DF thinks you should not mention it and see if they ask. From later posts, it's clear that was your DH, but that might have been missed.

I think you should cover it but say its the last time you can pay....if they ask.

What would? Continuing to fund the visits? Or stopping?

I actually don’t have specific advice because I don’t understand the legal requirements - if it was me I’d be looking for advise from a solicitor or govt agency.

However, I do think OP’s actions are being driven by her personal feelings about her cousin (or the husband) rather than a concern for the legal requirements, or financial factors. Thinking through whether you’d be comfortable with the decision if you had to explain it to your parents I think is a good exercise to get to your motives.

I do have concern if the goal is to protect her inheritance rather than protect her parents financial future. Or just avoid someone they don’t like.

I think as his loved niece and with a clear precedent then sending a contribution to help with airfare to visit for her would survive legal scrutiny.

She's asked for B&B recommendations. That will turn into quite a cost forcing them to eat out for every lunch and dinner so she may be assuming she will be welcome at yours.
I would send links only to places which are near to the care home and/or suggest an alternative if the care home is close to a train station for example.

This 👍
My parents tbh loved the thought of visits but it exhausted them, anything more than 5 mins of small talk was too much. My parents especially my dad preferred few mins facetime a week not 30 min visits. The conversation usually went 'hello binkie, lovely to see you, hope you're fine, catch you next week' about 30 seconds. Occasionally it would be an hour of him telling me about the snooker, golf or tennis. The point being he didn't physically need me in the room just the company.
I think just airfare this year is fine, definitely would not facilitate by having them stay. You and the care home can organise facetiming your dad. Seeing someone's face and smile is the joy. I wonder if cousin sends regular gifts and cards or is the interest only once a year to coincide with a holiday.

I think that is something that may have changed in the last 10 or so years. I know when I did POA for an aunt, the guidance I received with the POA said was no gifts. When my aunt’s cousin died we did send a donation from my aunt to the charity chosen for the memorial collection but I was prepared to refund this money if it had been questioned. I took the view that my aunt would have wanted to send this.

That would also then apply to her own DCs allowance - what’s sauce for the goose and all that.

Or she could suck up her annoyance, accept her parents last known wishes and support her dad to see his family.

If you do contribute then I think you need to make it clear that this will be the last time it happens.

If it brings your df some joy then I absolutely would

The husband has also coped with the impact of OP caring for her parents so he's accepted losses to his own family life from that. Why should OP and her spouse expected to not think of their own immediate family's wellbeing at all, but cheerfully fund trips for more distant relatives?

I don’t know anyone who has actually been challenged on it, but it’s a direct quote from the gov website about being an poa:
—-
Spending money on gifts or donations
Unless the LPA states otherwise, you can spend money on:

• gifts to a donor’s friend, family member or acquaintance on occasions when you would normally give gifts (such as birthdays or anniversaries)
• donations to a charity that the donor would not object to, for example a charity they’ve donated to before

You must apply to the Court of Protection for any other type of gift or donation, even if the donor has given them before. These include:

• paying someone’s school or university fees
• letting someone live in the donor’s property without paying market rent (anything they pay below market rent counts as a gift)
• interest-free loans

—-

For somebody with dementia your DF seems to have capacity so it’s his decision not yours.

Also re the money for your son you are potentially storing up IHT problems if they are not from excess income. This article gives an overview as a starting point https://www.thp.co.uk/gifts-out-of-surplus-income/

Whilst it might have been out of excess income and therefore exempt while they were living at home this may not be the case now covering two sets of care home fees

This is a nasty and absurd reply.

OP’s parents set up a payment to their grandson. OP is continuing this. She is making a contribution to her cousin’s flights.

Sorry but in the real world direct descendants, eg daughter and grandson, take precedence over nieces and their family.

But since they are coming now, wouldn't this be the best time to set expectations now ie that money now has to be prioritised for care and the option of annual visits might need to be self funded in the future. I'd prefer to deal with this head on not let it hang over OP @rookiemere till next year.

I would not mention it. Cheeky buggers though if they do ask for two people with dementia in a care home to pay for their holidays!