To not pay their air fare

[rookiemere]

Please if you recognise me don’t out me.

I am an only DC, after a tough year of hard decline from dementia, both DPs are now in a care home close to me. It costs a lot, but thankfully DPs have amassed a lot of savings so I worked out the other day that they can afford it for around 8 years for both of them - they’re 92 and 87 respectively in poor physical health as well, so this should be enough.

The dilemma is this. DF is from another country originally. He is very generous to his nieces my cousins, because their DF died early under unpleasant circumstances. He has offered to pay their fares, 2 of my cousins have declined but one has made it into an annual trip with DPs covering the air fares, bringing along her DH and staying for too long periods at our house. They aren’t ideal house guests so DH put his foot down and said they couldn’t stay for an extended trip again. Accommodation where we live is expensive.

So anyway last night I got an email saying they were thinking of coming over and when would be convenient and what B&B could I recommend. No mention of air fares, so I thought maybe I should say that as the care fees are so expensive DPs can no longer cover the air fare. TBH I don’t think they should even be asking, but I suspect the trip will be unaffordable for them if they have to pay for somewhere to sleep and flights.

I know DF would get some joy from seeing them, and to be fair to my cousin she is very fond of him and he’s almost like a substitute DF in her mind. Technically DPs could afford the flights, but I need to be responsible with their money. I thought I could maybe suggest a contribution of £1k which would help with the fares, but not fully cover them.

DF thinks I shouldn’t mention it and make them ask if they want it. I think that’s coloured by the fact he finds the DH very difficult to get on with and feels they are grabby - as do I to be fair. He says it’s my money, but it’s not at the minute it’s very much still DPs and I am just enacting their wishes.

So AIBU not to offer the money when it’s been paid for in the past ?

Apologies if I respond periodically as going into work shortly.

I have POA DF has been determined not to have capacity and DM can’t really communicate so effectively I have been managing their bank accounts for the past year.

@EthelspagettiI could only let them stay for 2-3 nights max, the DHs behaviour is quite disruptive and DH wouldn’t let them stay for longer than that, in fact I have not mentioned the 2-3 nights as a compromise to him yet.

It’s not true to say I don’t like them @Kipperz. My view is tainted by how they behaved as long term guests , but I have no siblings and my cousins are important to me. I love her, but I am a bit shocked by her behaviour driven mostly by her DH.

In truth I don’t think DPs money will run out and yes I would like to inherit the house so I can pass it or the funds on to DS. That’s what DPs would have wanted as well.

These responses are helpful especially the thought of DF not recognising them for much longer. I think if they ask I should offer something.

Also - make sure you have a plan to set money aside to help pay flights if they wish to visit for the funeral(s). Sorry to be blunt about that but the time they WILL need financial help is when they suddenly need to book a last minute flight for a funeral - never cheap. Once your dp dies, check what happens to bank account - it may be frozen and as executor you can apply for money for funerary costs but I’m not sure if that extends to flying family members over to the Uk. Worth checking.

I'm quite sure that funeral costs claimed from the estate do not cover the costs of travel to the funeral, so forget this. You can get video recordings streamed for people in other countries.

Maybe offer to pay for her to come over but not her DH?

Do you have POA? You’ve not said. If your DF does not have capacity and you’re now making this decision on his behalf, I think you need to tread very carefully as using money for purchases like a cousins airfare may be not only be considered a deprivation of assets but actually financial abuse and a mismanagement of his money. If you don’t have POA and he doesn’t have capacity, then you have no right to give them that money anyway.

Agree with @SummerSally about making the new constraints clear and that suggested message is good. So previously they've had flights covered and accommodation for free with you? I think it's an acceptable step away from that to say 1K towards flights and pay your own accommodation. They are adults and I assume they do other things besides see your dad while they're here. I think it makes sense to talk in terms of this probably being the last time they come in this way. Personally I would not expect them to come over for a funeral.

I think for me, morally at least, it depends how the allowance to the grandson is set up. OP calls it an allowance while he’s at uni, so it sounds like it could be fairly regular. If her parents said “we’ll help you through uni” and then set up a monthly payment that automatically goes out, I think it’s fine to keep that going.
If it’s ad hoc “mum I’m a bit short of cash, do you think grandma and grandad would mind giving me some” and then OP transfers the money, then no.

On them staying with you, I wouldn't even offer 2-3 nights. Just say it's not possible due to other commitments. It's hard work being a carer and you're doing a lot already. Keep your home free of the stress.

@SereineI checked and if they booked the flights soon £1k would cover most of it, except they are both very disorganised and are likely to wait until the last minute and they will be twice the price, hence why I would rather pay a contribution than an open ended amount. Also based on DF favouring this particular niece and offering to pay half only for her siblings ( which they didn’t accept and paid their own fares).
DF is very confused. When my other cousin visited) lovely cousin and her lovely DH who were normal people who paid their own share and didn’t outstay their welcome) he thought it was someone else. But in the moment he would get great joy from
see Dniece.

I wouldn’t risk it. Honestly. Using his money to pay for a nieces holiday is really iffy, I know you could argue that it was something he has shown he wanted, but his circumstances have now changed. He’s in a care home and he and his wife will need their money to fund their care. I think if it ever got flagged with the OPG or social care you would be under a lot of stress and scrutiny about why you thought it was appropriate to gift such a large amount

Could you blame finances for only being able to afford an airfare for your cousin and not her husband. This would solve several problems!

Yes I feel that way too and will take that one on the chin.
DH thinks we should give them nothing but is happy for us to benefit, but he also has done so much for them including getting their house ready to rent in super fast time to help with the care home fees.

I would take advice from Age Concern or similar as it could be classed as depravation of assets or elder abuse.

I came on to suggest exactly the same. OP - offering to pay for a flight for the one blood relative not her entire entourage seems to me to be fair and entirely within the spirit of POA.

I assume she is of sound mind and abilities and can manage travel like an adult.

Ha ha I would love to do that but her H is fixated on coming here repeatedly for reasons completely unrelated to my DF.

Are you recording the money you are giving your son and reporting them to the OPG? Have you looked at the rules around gifting?

@Bridesmaidorexfriend the money gifted to my DS is a regular payment set up by them predating their loss of capacity. It comes out of interest so I think it’s ok from a financial perspective but I will look into that. I don’t want to derail the conversation too much that direction though.

If that's the case and you carry on forking out to indulge them, then I suspect the Court of Protection might take a dim view so be careful, won't you?

I think it’s your responsibility to act in your father’s best interests - if he wants to see them, a contribution to help make that happen is the right thing to do. Agree with you that a fixed amount is better for all the reasons you said.

I am actually more concerned about the money going to your son. Make sure there’s no issue there, particularly if you’re in charge of the finances and making decisions to benefit your own child. Of course it’s awful what the stress of caring has done to you, it’s relentless and exhausting - but I don’t think there’s necessarily a case to pay yourself back via payments to your son. I would get some advice on this before you create a new problem you’ll need to solve.

Well that's her and her husband's problem to work out isn't it.

Your offer is she can come over as the purpose of the visit is to see your dad.

I think if your DP have always paid and no prior conversation has been had about not paying, you can't wait until they ask, that's not fair. If your DF would benefit from the visit and it's likely to be the last time he does, I would be paying, but for her only, and with an honest conversation that you can't pay for future trips.

Thats his problem, not yours. Offer to pay the £1k towards her airfare and accommodation. Make it clear that thats the limit, that they cant stay with you, and also that this is one last time so that he can see her while he still has some capacity. If it will bring him joy in the moment i think thats the right thing to do, how they use the £1k is up to them. If they have enough money for 8 years of dual care home fees 1k to see a favoured relative for the last time is a drop in the ocean and a perfectly appropriate use of his money.

Bringing her whole family for a long holiday at someone else's expense and then being a bad houseguest is absolutely CF territory. Her siblings should have had a word with her years ago.

No one would blame you if you told the niece there were no more funds. Becuase it's the truth.

The compromise I would consider is if the niece came on her own for a very short time purely to visit your parents.

I wouldn’t pay for their flights, i would explain their money goes on care fees and unfortunately they don’t have the funds to pay for their flights anymore.

Sorry, just seen the husband is intent on coming. That makes it easier to say no.

What a tone deaf pair they are.

The arrangement with his niece also predates your father losing capacity, and I think you know if the decision was his he’d want to pay for them to come over. It’s not your money, it’s his money partly to pay for things that will bring him pleasure. To pay for them is consistent with his last known wishes and while you think it’s too much, he clearly didn’t.

Its not a good look to not pay for things you know he would want, while continuing to benefit your son on the basis that that was a pre-existing arrangement while having an eye to your child’s potential inheritance.

You need to put your foot down.

Along the lines of 'Thanks for your message. Currently though we cannot house and feed you all due to our present situation but feel free to book a local Airbnb or hotel, DPs are living at X care home and I can speak to the staff about visiting times etc. Let me know what you decide.'