Sick of my wife’s temper

[Seriouslyworrieddad]

My wife has always had a temper but recently it’s next level and I’m concerned for her but mainly our child.

We have a toddler who admittedly is extremely full on - for the last 6 weeks he has been going through a sleep regression and my wife has been completely loosing the plot with him during night wakes.

We had a conversation about it last week and she said she would look into anger management.

I’m away at the moment and my wife is now sleep training our toddler. I called before bedtime to say good night not realising that my wife had put our child down early. She answered the call in a room seperate to where our child was sleeping but it must have disturbed them as the next thing I could hear was our child crying so my wife hung up.

She then preceded to send me increasingly angry messages saying bedtime was a disaster and then called me shouting down the phone saying it was all my fault. I could hear our child screaming and crying in the background.

Thankfully I know my child is asleep now but I’m just getting sick to death of my wife’s temper and worried about her with my child.

Does anyone have any advice please ?

Why are you away?

Maybe offer to stay home with the baby and let her go to work - she just needs a break. (Presuming you are fully active and present as a dad. If not, i would suggest thay might be a problem here)

How many of the nights out of the past 6 weeks have you done?

It sounds like your wife is making it very clear she’s struggling right now and your reaction is very unsupportive.

How many night wakes do you do? And bedtimes? Do you have a spare room so that she can get some uninterrupted nights of sleep? How much free time does she have for friends, hobbies etc? Do you split the housework, mental load etc. When did she last have a child free night away?

Anger management rather than you helping through the nights, or maybe having the consideration to message before you call?

All of this. Rage indicates she's really struggling with unmet needs. You need to help her get her needs met if you want her to be less angry

Are you away a lot?

Does she have PND? You may feel as though you’re walking on eggshells but maybe she’s mentally drowning. Not making excuses but it’s definitely a possibility. You’ve admitted yourself toddler is full on. A 6 week sleep regression to an already struggling mum is the icing on the cake. It’s easy for you to write posts like this when you’re away from the stress and the situation and probably getting sufficient rest.

She’s lost the plot cos she’s shattered. Do some nights yourself, you’re the father, and get someone in to help.

Rage indicates she's really struggling with unmet needs. You need to help her get her needs met if you want her to be less angry

Do you tell women they must address their husbands' unmet needs if they want them to be less angry?

My advice is go home and take at least half of the pressure off of your wife. Let her sleep.

You need to walk a mile in her shoes.

Does it stem from not sleeping for 6 weeks in those cases? In this case there is a very obvious and clear cause of the anger.

If they are related to extreme sleep deprivation, solo childcare… I would think we would suggest it for any human

So glad to see the previous responses had the same thought.

You need to be at home a lot more and especially take over the night wakings so that your wife gets a good night’s sleep on a regular basis.

Tiredness is by far and away the most likely reason for her temper and the obvious way to fix it is you stepping up. Take your foot off the pedal at work if necessary. This is more important.

My wife is a stay at home mum and breast fed up till recently so yes I admit I haven’t done many nights but equally our chuld has been sleeping through for a year up until recently. I have been taking child in the morning so she can catch up on sleep and did them all this weekend as I could tell she was struggling.

I always offer her help but she never takes it

My main concern is the way she is shouting at our child. I’m worried about the way she just looses control around them.

You need to protect your child who should not be subject to anger and abuse from someone who is meant to be their care giver

I remember having an awful temper when my 4 were little at times and thinking I needed anger management. But actually I was drowning and my husband didn’t get it and didn’t help. He didn’t mean it and thought he was helping but he really really wasn’t.

your wife needs your help and that help is you FULLY taking over for more than 10 minutes. No dipping in and out while getting to keep the luxury of stepping back out again when it suits you or the moment the child goes a little quiet. You probably don’t realise how trapped she is. She can’t just go for a run because baby is finally asleep. She has to be vigilant and switched on every moment of every day. Even when she’s asleep. You need to figure out how to take THAT over. Not just holding the child while she showers or doing the next wake up (which she has to stay alert during anyway because you’ll do the job and walk away and baby wakes up again right after and she’s back on it).

I don’t know what kind of a dad you are but honestly a massive percentage of you are completely clueless. With good intentions but clueless.

And your lack of insight into her rage and implication that she’s a danger to your child says a lot about you.

just do the night wakings. Don’t offer, just get up.

And also if you’re really that concerned then ditch your trip and go home to support her and get her some sleep.

why are you away?

She not coping. She needs you to do more to help with your child.

You can’t really be taking the child for long in the morning if you’re heading to work and also at times are away.
Your child is also your responsibility during your non working hours, you need to be doing several nights a week if your child is so wakeful. “Offering” such a weird way to put it and makes it clear you think so much of the actual parenting if your wife’s job.
Your wife needs some nights to sleep, it’s ridiculous to have sat back watching her exhaust herself over 6 weeks while you get full nights sleep and then judge her at rock bottom.

She needs some sleep. Sort it out @Seriouslyworrieddad !

Possibly because he is required to as part of his employment? Not always ideal, but some people don’t have a choice on if/when they travel with work.

And, yes, it is always as simple as OP to just stop working and let her go to work instead. That might not be feasible at all- but is highly unlikely to be possible in the short-term even if they both wanted that. So, in the short-term- at the very least- the situation has to be addressed.

Honestly, even if she is struggling it is not ok for her to lose the plot frequently, to the point where her husband is concerned about her anger, and especially the impact of that on their child. If a man were doing this, very few excuses would be made- even if there were reasons, it would be expected that it was his responsibility to pull himself together and sort it out. Same applies here- yes, she is clearly not coping for some reason but it doesn’t make her behaviour ok. I don’t think anyone else has to tolerate being an emotional punch bag.

OP, I think that you need to be clear about what you think the issue is- is she struggling with her mental health? Is it an exacerbation if a long standing issue? Is this all new? Because I think that might depend on where you go from here- a big character change is different from someone who is chronically angry and getting worse, in my view.

It is probably also worthwhile considering whether you are picking up your fair share- being honest- and if not, addressing that. If you are, and she can’t see the problem or won’t get help, I think it is worthwhile thinking about whether this is a healthy situation for you and your child.

Has she spent anytime away from the baby any weekend away?can you encourage her to express milk and book her a hotel and some time away, what other support does she have? Friends family etc? She sounds like she exhausted and really struggling.

I don’t think this is normal at all, your going to have to come up with another arrangement if you are genuinely worried for your child’s wellbeing.

If this was posted by a mum about a dad, I can’t imagine these responses would be the same