Sick of my wife’s temper

[Seriouslyworrieddad]

My wife has always had a temper but recently it’s next level and I’m concerned for her but mainly our child.

We have a toddler who admittedly is extremely full on - for the last 6 weeks he has been going through a sleep regression and my wife has been completely loosing the plot with him during night wakes.

We had a conversation about it last week and she said she would look into anger management.

I’m away at the moment and my wife is now sleep training our toddler. I called before bedtime to say good night not realising that my wife had put our child down early. She answered the call in a room seperate to where our child was sleeping but it must have disturbed them as the next thing I could hear was our child crying so my wife hung up.

She then preceded to send me increasingly angry messages saying bedtime was a disaster and then called me shouting down the phone saying it was all my fault. I could hear our child screaming and crying in the background.

Thankfully I know my child is asleep now but I’m just getting sick to death of my wife’s temper and worried about her with my child.

Does anyone have any advice please ?

So what?!?
I don’t know why everyone is making excuses her. I feel really sorry for her child.

I was responding to the earlier posts that were blaming dad, because he was away. Just read them, bizarre!

From the op

"my wife has been completely loosing the plot with him during night wakes."

"She then preceded to send me increasingly angry messages saying bedtime was a disaster and then called me shouting down the phone saying it was all my fault. I could hear our child screaming and crying in the background."

What did i add/embellish?

I suppose losing the plot may not involve screaming. I'd still say there's no non abusive way to lose the plot on a regular basis with a toddler whose crime is not showing

Edit to add: sorry substitute shouting for screaming at the child

"My main concern is the way she is shouting at our child."

As well as what others have said regarding support/taking over some of the stuff to give her a break, from mine and close family experience two things may be at play:

1. I suffered extreme rage during perimenopause which resolved with daily high-dose evening primrose oil.
2. a close family member suffered greatly from rage and depression two weeks of the four-week menstrual cycle, which resolved with antidepressants.

Both of us had young children at the time and there is nothing to press your buttons like children, I have found. I hope there’s a way for you to find a job that enables you to be more present, it doesn’t work well for family life if a parent is frequently away. Fully get that’s hard depending on your situation.

OP says the child has been sleeping through the night until very recently and his wife has always had a temper. This isn't behaviour caused by chronic sleep deprivation. And, even if it is was, it 's not remotely acceptable for an adult to lose control and shout at their small child. If this was a woman posting, there would be plenty of advice to take the child away and not leave them alone with the abusive adult.

I'd personally say that was extreme and I suspect not what OP wants (although he may consider if he wants to stay in the relationship if he's constantly bears the brunt of bad temper). However, it definitely would be helpful for the OP's wife to talk to her GP, or help visitor or look into mental health support.

Sorry! Wrong end of the stick.

Hollering at an innocent unsettled toddler in the night is disgusting.
No wonder he doesn’t sleep. He is probably picking up on her vibes.
Can you take him somewhere safe, to your parents for example if she refuses to accept responsibility and sort herself out?

I could have made it more clear, but long day, tired and off to bed.

Sleep deprivation is awful but there is something wrong if she’s taking out her anger on the toddler. There were times I was going mad with sleep deprivation but still holding down a job and managing to not scream at a small child.

Basically it’s a sign she’s not coping and should seek some support from a health visitor or GP. Some people on here are such arseholes to dads. Realistically the OP is working, the wife is a sahm- he can’t take all the nights and lots of women can be their own worse enemies re not wanting their partners to do certain things.

Who would look after the child during the night? Does it have to be the next available female, his mother, rather than a father actually getting up with his own child?

Carefully cut to avoid the context that OP had rung and woken their child who had begun to cry and shout out..after she had got him to sleep

It’s a cliche that that thoughtlessness from an absent parent would be enraging..that anger was directed at OP

My OH used to say he was worried about my temper. Funnily enough, when I said ‘take the children then, I’ll have them on a weekend.’ he seemed less concerned. Do more at home and don’t ring at bedtime.

Or he could be there and take responsibility for his child.

You said she had a temper before little one and that's a her problem, as a mum no way would I be leaving a small child alone with her same if it was my dh doing it..one off slip maybe but not the regularity your saying

Yes, this. Why are you away?
Work? Trekking with your friends?

The irony of 'long day, tired and off to bed'.

I don’t think anyone is (or should) excuse her behaviour and it sounds as though mum is also distressed by her rage, and rightly so. People are merely explaining that sleep deprivation can cause people to rapidly mentally deteriorate and can set off a first episode of depression or even psychosis, requiring hospital admission. Sleep deprivation is not a minor thing, and the behaviours stemming from hers are obviously harmful. It is not sexist to note that mum is sleep deprived and dad isnt. It is sexist to NOT notice the SEX differences in how often caring for a child evidently falls differently to a woman than it does to a man.

Dad, you have still not answered - if you and your wife are upset by this then why are you not doing an equal number of wake ups or splitting the nights? If you’re away then can you get a babysitter to do your toddlers bedtime so that your wife can have time to tidy up and get jobs done so that she can unwind enough to actually sleep? Food shopping/cooking/prep/planning/washing - are you doing this or is she?

GP is a good first port of call.

Yes she needs to be getting more sleep if her temper is directly affected to sleep deprivation.

There is no excuse for her behaviour, she needs to do better or OP needs to ask her to leave.

This is an excellent reply. Ignore the man hating shit replies on here OP.

Leave?
She can't leave, she's the only one there caring for the child (even when OP is home most of the time).

I've written a book about my domestic abuse and horrific experiences.. That comment didn't trigger me, because someone who's well rested, well fed and calm is alot less angry. You're trying to find offense to take.. You're reaching. It's obvious what the poster meant..

Sounds like OP is trying to do as much as they can but the wife won’t accept any more help.

Unless they kick her out and restrict access to the child then what else can OP do.

Give. Her. A. Break… she’s at home alll day trust me it’s a hard gig!

What do you mean by “loosing control”? You’re being incredibly passive here.

Is just shouting? What does she say when shouting?

How loud is she whilst shouting? Loud enough for neighbours to hear?

What else does she do when “losing control”?

Please give more context and examples.

You need to be home.

If you were genuinely worried, you'd be there.

A mother would not leave their child with a father they were scared would hurt their child. So why are you leaving your child with a mother that you're scared might hurt or damage your child?

Get home. Do all the night wakings. Get up with the child in the morning. Do bedtime.

If you genuinely think she's bad for your child, get back there and protect you son/daughter.