Sick of my wife’s temper

[Seriouslyworrieddad]

My wife has always had a temper but recently it’s next level and I’m concerned for her but mainly our child.

We have a toddler who admittedly is extremely full on - for the last 6 weeks he has been going through a sleep regression and my wife has been completely loosing the plot with him during night wakes.

We had a conversation about it last week and she said she would look into anger management.

I’m away at the moment and my wife is now sleep training our toddler. I called before bedtime to say good night not realising that my wife had put our child down early. She answered the call in a room seperate to where our child was sleeping but it must have disturbed them as the next thing I could hear was our child crying so my wife hung up.

She then preceded to send me increasingly angry messages saying bedtime was a disaster and then called me shouting down the phone saying it was all my fault. I could hear our child screaming and crying in the background.

Thankfully I know my child is asleep now but I’m just getting sick to death of my wife’s temper and worried about her with my child.

Does anyone have any advice please ?

I'm so sorry, this is an awful situ to be in.

The behaviour may be hormonal - does it change around her cycle? If so, she may have PMDD or severe perimenopausal/ menopause rage. There are treatments for these conditions.

If it's not linked to her cycle, she def needs anger management counselling and may need behavioural therapy.

What's fair to say is her behaviour needs to change irrespective of the cause.

Take time to arrange what she needs with her.

Keep doing what you're doing, it's a tough situ to deal with.

Sending you the best of everything.

Don’t underestimate the effect sleep deprivation has on any parents dealing with it. My kids are close in age and had horrendous regressions that lasted months on end. I was and still am on my knees, asked for support, never got it, it’s destroyed our relationship. She’s not abusing her child she is desperate.

Text before you call

He said their child was sleeping through until recently though so that doesn’t make sense

This.
You tell her you won’t be putting up with her losing her rag with your child anymore.
She needs to get a job, get your child into childcare and herself into anger management.

She’s not abusing her child she is desperate.

Both things can be true simultaneously. And seem to be in this case. A small child being regularly screamed at, is being abused.

You need to come down hard on her.

Tell her that she either sorts it out or you’ll be phoning SS and getting her help that way.

Parenting is incredibly difficult but I was a teenage single parent, with no help and so no lie ins or second income etc or even anyone to vent to but I never regularly lost my temper like your wife.

It is not an excuse and I’d be concerned for my child.

I would encourage her to stop BF, go to the doctor, get enough sleep and go gym etc but if this carried on for much longer then I’d be prepared to separate and restrict how often she sees the child.

I think the point is if the child is actually in danger (and they could well be), he needs to get the fuck home regardless of the reason he is away.

The thread title is 'Sick of my wife's temper' not regarding his child's safety.

Men and women and Dads and Mums are very different in their behaviour and priorities why do we have to pretend they are the same?

I don't think anyone here has said they don't care about the child.
What we are seeing is a mother struggling alone and a father who is not at home.
Father is the only one on this thread who can do something about this. Whether that's being there or doing more when he is there are our only options. If he does both of these and the anger continues then he needs to take other action to protect his child/help his wife deal with her anger.

What else do you suggest?

YANBU for being concerned about your child and thinking that your wife needs some kind of urgent intervention.

YABU for thinking that the answer is purely anger management or that letting her catch up on a little sleep in the morning somehow makes up for weeks and weeks of disturbed sleep. The most urgent thing to fix is her sleep. You must be the one to wake up with your toddler for the next few weeks. In the meantime, while her body and mind recovers, she can see her GP for some antidepressants as a crutch for this sleepless time and referral for therapy if that is appropriate.

“Get enough sleep”
Do you think perhaps op is the key to that?

She absolutely is abusing her child
There may be mitigating circumstances but screaming at a toddler on a regular basis for going through sleep regression is abuse.

I was just thinking the same thing! The responses on here are absolutely ridiculous.

She may be tired, have had sleepless nights etc but to be screaming on like a lunatic is totally unacceptable.

Childcare and a job aren't going to help with sleepless nights.

Why do you put up with it? And not the i love her answer or for the sake of your child. She clearly cant handle motherhood well and gets overwhelmed easily.
I think maybe therapy could be beneficial for her.

I was a child whose mum was continuously screaming and shouting and basically being a shitty mum.
I have no contact with her and very little respect for my dad for doing fuck all about it. (He should have left and taken me with him)
I’ve also been a single teenage mum to a colicky baby who woke up every 90 minutes. Did I sometimes put him in his cot walk away and have a shower or a cup of tea.. yes. What I never did was scream at him in anger.
This is a full grown woman who has already admitted she needs to go to anger management classes. She needs to take some responsibility and speak to her GP.
This doesn’t sound like useless dad, he is at work and does the weekend wake ups.

That’s not what happened even in OPs description

@Seriouslyworrieddad “My main concern is the way she is shouting at our child. I’m worried about the way she just looses control around them”

But it is all your fault because you are away.

There is clearly a backstory to this. You know your wife’s trauma or MH history. Could this be the cause and need addressing?

The fact that you are posting on MN is a cry for help from you. Talk to your wife, work together to get her the help and support she needs.

I have a sister that has real anger issues, she actually chose to not have children because of it.

This Mum isn’t a single parent though, is she?

No, it's been six weeks, the kid has been sleeping through the night and only recently has been waking up.

I agree with people saying this wouldn't be tolerated of a man. I wouldn't be shouting down the phone at someone when DS was crying, I'd be sorting him out.

Well put @Doubtanny

Unbelievable the double standards on here and no doubt if it was a woman posting about an angry husband the responses would be different. I think you both need a proper conversation but equally getting no sleep is tough so her getting cross about you waking your son up is understandable. Make sure you take your turn at night wakings.

my wife has been completely loosing the plot with him during night wakes.

The mother is struggling specifically with and during the night wakes which is why people are suggesting the first solution needs to be OP stepping in and actually dealing with his child in the night several nights of the week.
There’s not suggesting she’s screaming at her child all day long. She’s exhausted and frustrated and seemingly the only one having to do this 6 weeks later.

Exactly my thought. I hate the sexism and double standards on this site.

I don't think the screaming and shouting is ok at all. OP please look into seeing what support you can ask for if your wife is unable or unwilling to access this. Talk to your GP or any HCP as the first port of call about your concerns.

All his fault because he is away? Loads of people have to work away. How do you think military families cope when the husband is away for months on end. Its his wife's fault. He isn't responsible for her actions.