Sick of my wife’s temper

[Seriouslyworrieddad]

My wife has always had a temper but recently it’s next level and I’m concerned for her but mainly our child.

We have a toddler who admittedly is extremely full on - for the last 6 weeks he has been going through a sleep regression and my wife has been completely loosing the plot with him during night wakes.

We had a conversation about it last week and she said she would look into anger management.

I’m away at the moment and my wife is now sleep training our toddler. I called before bedtime to say good night not realising that my wife had put our child down early. She answered the call in a room seperate to where our child was sleeping but it must have disturbed them as the next thing I could hear was our child crying so my wife hung up.

She then preceded to send me increasingly angry messages saying bedtime was a disaster and then called me shouting down the phone saying it was all my fault. I could hear our child screaming and crying in the background.

Thankfully I know my child is asleep now but I’m just getting sick to death of my wife’s temper and worried about her with my child.

Does anyone have any advice please ?

She can't manage a singleton toddler, even though she doesn't have a job and it's the husband's fault that she's shouting at their child????

OP, your wife is not managing the demands well. You will have to try and do a bit more if you can, or consider paid childcare/babysitting during the day if you can afford it.

There'e no excuse for her to be shouting at a small child who won't go to sleep on demand.

It's great that she agreed to "look into" anger management. That means she acknowledges the problem. But don't wait for her get around to it. You do the research, and hand her three or four telephone numbers to get her started.

Sorry I thought they were married. In my experience, marriage means to support one another.

And you know she’s doing all the night time care, every single night, how?

She's sleep training a toddler who has sleep regression. You called and disturbed the child that she had presumably just settled - I'd probably lose my temper too.
You admit you have been very little help as your wife breastfeeding - she's done it all, admit it. I did it all too and the sleep deprivation can drive you crazy.
If you are seriously concerned about her behaviour to your child, you need to go home now, as PP's have said. And you need to be the help, not just offer it.

There's a reason that sleep deprivation is recognised as a form of torture. If you are genuinely worried for your child's safety, you need to get home.

If the dad had been pregnant , given birth , breastfed for a year , was a SAHD and then had no sleep for 6 weeks, then I’d imagine there would be a lot of questions.

If the dad had been pregnant , given birth , breastfed for a year , was a SAHD and then had no sleep for 6 weeks, then I’d imagine there would be a lot of questions.

OP, if you are still reading, please read this post carefully.

You’re away working so there are limitations to how much you can actually do to help , although you can let her catch up on sleep on weekends.
Your toddler is going through some sleep regression and that means she’s had disturbed sleep for a few weeks ?
that is difficult ( I know as I have 3 children and my husband often worked longer hours / worked away )
However it is NOT acceptable in any way for her to be losing her temper, screaming + shouting at a tiny child and then blaming you .
Can anyone be with her to help until you get home ?

She’s at breaking point and needs more rest and more help with the children.

What can you do to help get that?

Hahaha it’s funny isn’t it? Ask her to leave. But then he would have to parent, all day, every day. Let’s see how his temper is then.

Exactly.

This is a great response, really thoughtful. Good advice.

As PPs have said, it is hard to parent a child calmly when sleep deprived, stressed and angry. Plus, the OP's wife is clearly not having a break or time to herself while he's away, so everything will seem magnified to her as she gets no respite.

But obviously this doesn't excuse anger towards an innocent child. I agree that for the poor child's sake, the OP needs to go home, take over, and speak calmly to her.

I also agree that some people are just angry, with a temperament that is easier to enrage but this should never excuse being able to shout angrily towards a toddler or any child.

I don't think OP is gonna come back,

Why are you away? How often do you go away?

As a solo parent myself I fully appreciate sleep deprivation. I've never had a break or night off and my son has health needs, and there have been times, I've "lost my rag" when people called and woke up the baby during bedtime. Might add, the anger was 100% directed at the caller, not the baby but the way this has been worded the post makes it sound like she's screaming at the toddler.

Also, why is your wife sleep training your toddler? Was it not a joint decision?

Whislt completely and utterly indefensible for your wife to scream at a toddler, it does read as though this is your wife's child and you step in to "help."

If you genuinely believe and are concerned that your wife is a danger to your toddler you shouldn't be leaving her to do the lions share of the parenting. You should take sick leave if you're away working and take the pressure off to see if it helps, and if it doesn't quickly, you need to call a doctor and contemplate supervising. There are way to many stories of kids being harmed and should the unthinkable happen you will also be to blame, as you knew about her anger and did nothing.

From my perspective, the title of the thread reads as "my feelings were hurt when I got shouted at" so I'm going to go online and feel better about it.

Facts remain, either do something. Or Don't. But expecting anything to get better because you told her she can't be angry anymore without changing anything at all is madness. We get angry for a reason, it's our job to work out why and fix it.

This is exactly what I thought when I read this. The double standards on MN are ridiculous at times.

He’s asleep 😂 so worried that he’s falls asleep at a reasonable hour.

Oh, this is awful. You have to insist that this bad behaviour stops. Otherwise it won't. What I mean by insisting is that she has to go to anger management classes, and she should also go to her GP. She needs to put her money where her mouth is and phone the GP for an appointment asap. She needs to tell them that she has strong mood swings. I went on an anti-depressant for depression, but it also had the effect of completely smoothing out my mood swings. I had a terrible temper before the medication, and the med made it vanish. Some people say they are too flat on these meds, but for people who feel too much in the first place, it brings you back to a normal level. My med has made it possible for me to maintain perspective and not ruin relationships with my temper, and I'm so much happier and calmer. Of course, medication might not be right for your wife, but just be aware that problems like these can be a brain chemistry issue. I didn't even realise that that was the case for me until the meds made my anger issues vanish. Not just get less, but snuffed out. It was a physical issue.

If it helps, the thing I'm on is escitalopram.

You must INSIST that your wife takes action, SOON. This is really unfair on your child, poor little thing, not to mention bad for your marriage.

I wouldn't go away for at least three months after she has got help.

Here is my 20 cents.

When I had small children I had PND and I didn’t have the capacity to research and find any formal supports because my depression impacted my initiation and cognition. I just felt so heavy. I responded to my children’s needs because I did that in a reactive way: nappy wet =change, hungry baby = feed him. I really couldn’t manage anything that involved planning or decision making. I think that more conversations with her need to be had. She needs ongoing support. Also whenever I found any thing I wanted to do for myself I didn’t have anyone to look after the children so I could never do it anyway. DH couldn’t understand why I wasn’t fixed yet.

Another thing is that when we went from one child to two my DH would “watch the toddler” to give me a “break’ but I always still had the newborn so I never ever actually got a break. He thought he was being helpful but he didn’t actually help me recover. So he was patting himself on the back and I was still exhausted and drowning. Also when you have one you get a mini break at nap time to do the dishes or whatever but with a toddler you are forced to be “on” all the time. Although I admit that I had a high maintenance toddler and a poor sleeping baby. DH also thought if he was around the house he was helping but he never actually offered for me to go out or seemed to do anything proactively. Just asking me if I wanted him to do anything.

I also (not consciously but on reflection I realised this) was more crazy and erratic when DH was there because I didn’t have to hold it all together because having another adult there made me feel like my kids were safe. Plus DH working away while I was so desperately falling apart made me feel completely abandoned. It sounds dramatic but I felt like I was so exhausted and alone and had no one to care about me. It was so difficult reaching out to friends because I felt like such a failure so I inadvertently isolated myself further. My feelings of anxiety were through the roof.

No. Equating this specific set of circumstances to that of a man’s is sexist. It is sexist to not acknowledge the biological reality of this mum to a toddler, after 9 months of pregnancy, childbirth, postpartum, breastfeeding for a year and then 6 weeks of sleep interruption and sleep deprivation. That does not excuse the behaviour, but she is clearly under extreme stress and needs help which she is not yet getting.

This is a very thoughtful reply and a good insight, I think.

I’d be really worried too if it was my toddler. The damage being on the sustained end of a shouting parent is something to take seriously. The SAHM arrangement is not working. Don’t offer help. Think up something appropriate and just do it. Your wife sounds miserable and burnt out. When you step up you’ll realise just how hard it is parenting a toddler 24/7. Can you get urgent time off?

Reset the relationship and let your wife go recharge her batteries for a few days? She is crying out for help. Your son needs you to step in. He’s only little and who else is going to ensure his home environment is meeting his needs? Anger management is all very well but if the stressors aren’t lessened nothing changes.

Speak to your boss tomorrow and get home asap. Herein never let it get to breaking point again. Notice the signs and take steps to lessen her load. If she gets a part time job make sure you do your fair share of housework, childcare and the rest (organising birthdays, Christmas, appointments, paying bills etc). When you do, don’t seek a medal and definitely don’t add the words ‘I did x for you’ - you’re meant to be a Team.

Going forward make time for you both as a couple. It will go a long way to repairing things if you ask your wife what else she needs from you. You telling her she’s a great Mum but clearly in need of a break and that you’re sorry for the times you weren’t there for them both, but you are going to carry much more in future.

The best way you can look after your son is making sure his Mother is loved, rested, seen and not carrying the majority of the strain on home front alone.

I remember this time and it was stressful for me as a SAHM as my husband traveled a lot. He was very involved when there but sometimes when he called, as the only adult conversation and person who cared I sometimes was very frustrated and despairing to him. And yes, angry sometimes. Sleep deprivation doesn’t help.

It doesn’t necessarily mean she’s upsetting your child when they’re together but they undoubtedly pick up on the stress. Do you listen to her? Validate her frustration? Support her? Does she have other support? Is she normally a soothing and loving influence on your son? Are you? Can you access support like a doctor or breastfeeding consultant?

Based on my experience I would suggest that your wife needs a proper 'diagnosis' before she does anger management.

Only that will address why she is angry.

You’re so right, he’s asleep!